FIRST START

"Beginnings"

Ok! I am sitting at my computer and its 12:13 am and I am thinking... did I do the right thing by setting up this blog? I am not really one for writing personal, deep feelings on a public system and the only two people in the world I pour all my feelings and thoughts out to are God and my wife. As a child I tried to keep a diary of my thoughts but I always lost interest or was so hyper that my attention was on what next to do. As an adult, I kept my secrets close to my chest putting all my good and bad stuff into compartments, in this way I could come back to them some day.

But after 35 years of my life, a life I must add, filled with so many ups and downs, hurts and pains and failures and victories that I can no longer keep them in my head, heart or mind. I am tired as I write this, but, I feel that before I go to bed, I should get some of the things on my mind off my chest so to speak. So I write, more for me I know and for those I love, God, my wonderful and loving wife and beautiful and loving children than anything else.

My experience may not be new, in that, I have read many blogs of those who have had personal fights and have dealt with their internal demons, are getting rid of them or embracing them. I am not here to condemn or give advice, but to give an account of my struggles and the struggles of those I love, which I might add were as a result of decisions I have made. I know I could not write what will follow if there was not a happy ending since I would certainly be a hypocrite, especially when it comes to life changing events in my life that has impacted on others.

So with that said, well, the next stage is to say a little about me. I am a 35 year old guy, name is Daniel who lives in the West Indian or Caribbean Island of the Republic of Trinidad and Tobago. I am married to a beautiful wife and we have two beautiful/handsome boys. We are a mixed couple and live very independently from our families. I am very much into reading, cooking, hiking and love a good fantasy and sci-fi movie and book. I also love research and discussions which are intellectual and constructive. So what would you say is wrong so far? Well, from the age of 14 years old I struggled with homosexual thoughts and after suppressing these feelings and thoughts for nearly 18 years I finally let go of control and acted them out while being married. Yes! I committed adultery and yes I betrayed my wife, hurting her very deeply and destroying her security in trusting me.

In the last three years both my wife and I have gone through a journey from hell and back. My wife most of all has had to put up with loving a guy who was selfish and selfcentred, a guy who became a monster for 3 years. The point is that my wife's love and knowing that I love her deeply is just part of a long uphill struggle to becoming a man. Now I am not on this blog to gain sympathy or support for my actions. I know I was wrong and the decisions I made which I have taken responsibility for were really bad ones. What I really want to write is how I have come out of the depths of hell and to be really one with my wife.

At this point I just want to say that I do know in my being that I am not gay, bi or curious. I have always known that it was a foreign element in my sexuality that needed to be expelled so that I could have a stable life. Yes it was a struggle and for many it continues to be. I am finally freed of these feelings and also know that all I want is my wife, all I feel and think about is her. There are many who will continue to say, "Well, you can never get over those feelings" and my answer is, yes I can and I have. The major issue for me was where my focus lay, I was selfish and I talked about only"ME" and "I" and if that were still the case, then yes I would say that I would never have gotten over it. But for me the main change that helped was shifting the centre of my focus to God and what he wanted for my life.

Being fully a man is liberating, in that I can love my life and my wife and know who I truly am without physical and psychological problems stunting my development into manhood. This is a lot, and I thought I would have very little to say. I once use to be a nervous boy who allowed everyone around me to control my every move, then I became a rebellious teenager who just did not want to grow up and did not care who I hurt. But today I understand the right from wrong for all my actions. Now, becoming a man and taking responsibility is important. My wife most of all deserves so much credit for going beyond what any wife would endure from an hurtful and painful situation.

I can say that our marriage has been tested by all that has been thrown at us and I can truly say we are in a new relationship one that is far better than the old. It is scary at times and feels like courtship when you get those butterflies in your stomach but it's wonderful all the same....