SELFISH ME

Stunted Selfish Kids Must Go!!!


After reading my first ever post I felt good, in that I actually could say I can open myself up and not hide what really counts inside. Dealing with a problem is very important and going around it, which I used to do, really made things worse. The fact that all my life I have been selfish did not mean that all my selfish ways would go all in one night, even though I was fooling myself into believing this. Take today, for example. I was so impatient with my kids and really shouted at them to behave, when being a kid and acting wild and carefree is so natural. Yet when it came to my wife, who has the patience of more than the population of the world, and who I really upset today, I was asking her to be more patient with me. In fact when you think about of it and after all I have put her through it was really hypocritical and unfair, especially with the example the same day of not having patience with my kids.

After an argument which really upset the whole balance in our household, I recognized a number of things about me which I not only accept as things I do but really as habits and internal thinking which I can call a "Selfish Kid who wants his own way" trait. In fact my wife who knows me well pointed it out to me, which I might add she has done so many times that it's really unfair especially when I don't recognise the problem. How can I expect to be receive patience myself for the things I have done when I won't be patient with others, that selfish child who thinks of me first and not the feelings of others really destroys and causes a distance to widen every time he throws a tantrum..

Another thing which I have noticed in me is when my wife is frustrated and gets really tired and expresses her out of sorts feeling in her tone, I take it to be an attack on me. Again, after about six or seven times of my wife explaining that its not about me or directed to me, I still process it as a problem I created. Now, this is an insecurity about myself, that, once observed, shows another aspect of that "selfish child". I realized that my preconceptions of what a good husband and father should be resulted in strict parameters being set upon myself by me. I have to accomplish it at all costs to the extent that I alienate my wife and children and cause more harm than good. Good intentions, but really a mess in the making.

So sitting and thinking and talking to my major and only source of answers, God, I really understood that an "immature selfish child" still lay within my basic personality, out to sabotage any progression which was made in becoming a man. I allowed that child to develop, as a defense against the world, which clashes with the real man who is developing.

So after recognizing and accepting the situation as it stood, I made a commitment, a promise, a resolution, that I would discard that stunted, little child for the man I am becoming. I know that God brings these things into focus so that they can be dealt with; a true man cannot have lingering selfish traits popping up and causing rifts and insecurity. Worse yet, if, they play out as though the past has come back to impact the present.

God, my life, wife and children deserve more than that. So I say good bye to old little "immature child" and hello to that brand new man.