GROWING UP

"Late Teens and Early Twenties"

For the last few days I have been swamped at work and taking some time out to really put my thoughts together. Relating my past has really brought up a few things that were painful and having to write it here has helped to confront them and deal with it. I really used to let fear rule my life, everything in life I would worry about to the point that it affected how I dealt with people and it really affected my health in the form of stress. At one point in my teenage years I wanted to run away from home so I would not have to deal with my family or others around me. I actually packed my bags and was ready to climb out my bedroom window, but fear and wondering where to go put me off. Right after that, depression had reached such levels that I wanted to end it all and have no more confusion or pain. I thought of suicide many times and once I took about 12 paracetamol tablets, but all it did was give me a headache. After that I really felt foolish as no one would really miss me and in a few years no one would remember Daniel. Then a friend of mine tried it and nearly succeeded, her reason being she was too fat and no one took an interest in her. I actually felt for the first time in my life that it was not the way to go, that I needed to prove to the world that I was important and that I could make it.

Ok well I had planned to write tonight but it seems my body is rebelling against me. Hopefuly I can finish what I wanted to say in the morning. (mind you this was on Tuesday 25th April)

Lets see, its Friday night and at last a hard week of work is done. From the age of 17 onwards my way of dealing with things was to hide them and put on an act and to place all my problems into boxes so that "one day" I could deal with the issues. The image people saw of me was very different from the one inside and even though I was not comfortable with it, it did work. It is very funny that up to this day my mother still believes that she knows me so well. In fact the only person who really knows me is God and to a great extent my wife. I tried to surround myself with very religious friends and moral people so that I could keep my feelings in check even as I was exploring my interest in understanding God.

I really only started dating seriously at 17 and my relationships were always good. In fact I treated my girlfriends as queens and was truly with them. My desire for a guy never popped up or was an issue during these periods and I even felt as though those issues were really gone. I always believed in waiting to make love on or after my wedding night and it was another one of my vows I stuck to. I would admit there were times when intimate moments could have gotten out of hand but then the girls I dated had their heads on their shoulders and also wanted to wait. I also believed in making good friendships before dating and getting serious, because for me every potential relationship could lead to marriage. However I did not feel secure enough to tell any of them how I felt when it came to the alternative feelings. In all I probably had around 10 girlfriends between 17 and 23 years of age all of whom I can say are still on good speaking terms.

My most serious relationship was with my second girlfriend, who was my age and had a great personality. D. and I were so into each other that after a a year and a half we were talking about marriage, mind you I was only 18 and was on cloud nine. Then she went away and met some one and we broke up over the phone. My world around me crashed and I could not eat or sleep for weeks, in fact I cried myself to sleep a good few days. My mother said that girls like that are not worth it and that's why you should only date and not get serious. This pissed me off since I was really in love and I wondered if she ever had any emotion. But one thing it did do was to really make me close myself to being loved and experiencing love to the fullest. In fact I decided not to open myself up like that again to anyone. This I did until I meet my future wife S. a woman who melted my heart.

All of the girls I was with were not covers for my alternative feelins in that I never acted them out and as I said I never thought of them when I was with a girl. Yet because I stayed a virgin until I got married people thought something was wrong with me - I was either gay or lying. I know my dad was worried about it and on two occasions he invited me to a "whore house" to have "an experience", mind you I was neither interested nor wanted such an experience. I enjoyed long courtships with lots of dates and presents; it took me long to get up the nerve to kiss a girl or to hold hands but once I did I was really into it. It felt great sharing your life with someone special and yet there was that feeling that there could not be a whole sharing since no one would really understand how I felt.

At the same time I was experiencing my exploration of courtship I was starting to find my place in the world of school and work. I did well in history, geography and biology and these were the areas I excelled in, I finally found my place and decided to dedicate my life to teaching since I knew how much trouble I had in school from horrible, impatient teachers. I knew I could make a difference. I went on to do my Advanced Levels in London Exams and then moved on to University. I loved to do research and studying became a way of escape for me; in fact, I dived into history since it helped escape my thoughts and life around me. Understanding history helped make sense of the world, and I liked the knowledge of knowing dates, people, places and events, something I was good at and which my parents could not touch. At this point in my life I also picked up the hobbies of stamp collecting, book collecting and hiking, hiking because I loved nature and knowing my environment and also because the hard trips were like therapy and penance.

I felt also very disconnected with my family and I had nothing in common with my brother. I had more in common with only one friend, A., who was was born on the same day as I and who I got to know well without dating. We actually sheared our darkest feelings with each other and felt understood, but we drifted apart and by my twenties I was back to being a loner, which I was comfortable with.

When I did have bouts where the alternative feelings were overpowering, I would get very upset and depressed. There were many times in school that good looking guys would arouse me and out of shock and fear of the dreams I would have about being with them I would consciously surpress everything. When one of these guys touched me I would be fearful of being aroused right there and tried my best to be as normal as I could. It was hard but then I always felt it was unnatural. For me the idea of being gay was something that really made me feel dirty, violated you can say, since in all other things I felt straight. I hated myself for feeling that way and also that something was wrong with me. I knew that God created man for woman and to say that he made me that way was saying that he made mistakes and I just don't believe that. So I would sit in my bed at night and cry asking God to show or tell me what was wrong or where I was going wrong. Many thoughts of what it might be went throught my head from entertaining perversion to some problem of socialization process my parents were not aware of. But the cost of it was tearing me apart and it only made me go into myself and become more shy, yet I did do a great job in surpressing it and keeping it under control, but it continually lurked beneath the surface and I was always fearful that it would burst into a flood I could not control. I did have about 3 male friends in my life who never knew how I felt but I did not have those feelings for these guys, they were good liming partners and I could speak to them about life without discussing my alternative feelings. This however did not stop my dad from wondering and expressing his fears about me being gay and being with these guys.

In my second year of University studies I would meet a girl who would change my whole outlook on Life and who I could really say could help me truly bring out that man in me. S. was a sexy girl in one of my tutorals that I did not think I had a chance with, she was so pretty that I thought she must have a boyfriend. So I looked from afar hoping that one day she would be single and interested. S. was someone who I could really see myself sharing things with and I started to share my books with her when no one else got to use my books. Then one day in the middle of the library I blurted out to one of her friends how I felt about her and well let's just say I will write more in a next blog. But note that this was going to be my future wife.