BROTHER DEAREST

“My Mother's Only Son”

Honestly, as I write this post, I can truly say that my brother and I do not have a relationship and to tell the truth I don’t know him that well. To me A. was someone I lived with, more like a roommate who once you leave college you remember off and on, a sad fact, I know. A. and I were the only 2 children/boys my parents had and we were total opposites when it came to everything. In fact, piecing together life with my brother has been a tough order but one I had to unravel to have healing in my life. The major thing that comes to my mind when I think of A. is our physical fights and disagreements.

A. was born 2 years after me and in the same month as me. The only thing was A. was the same star sign as my mother and had the same temperament as her. As noted in another post the only things I remember about him before the age of 5 are what my mother told me. He was a very cautious child and did not go to every and anybody, which was unlike me. He cried for my mother a lot and did not eat every and anything, in fact, my mom found it hard to feed him since he fussed about what to eat. A. was a good observer and watched before he actually attempted anything. From early my parents had given him a teddy which he held on for dear life and which was his comfort zone till he was well into his late teens. I remember defending him against people who made fun of it. A. also sucked his thumb which like the teddy was something he carried into adulthood so much so that his thumb had become flat and double-jointed. As noted my mom had said I use to crawl into his crib and paste him with the lipstick and bite him which lead to punishment. I remember one story that my mom gave that once after picking us up from my grandparents my brother realized his teddy was missing and he cried until dad had to go back late at night to retrieve it.

I do remember a few good moments when A and I played together and had fun. However our pranks usually ended up turning into serious fights where we would physically beat each other up. There are so many stories of us biting, kicking and cuffing each other that to relate all would fill volumes. The most serious ones included me banging my brother into the bed head, him using a sling shot on me and bursting a vein, me chopping him with a cutlass and A. chopping me with a kitchen knife. As a child we once were spying on chickens so we could bother them; when it was A’s turn to look I was coming off some bricks when one crashed down on his finger destroying his finger nail. My mom blamed me for it saying I deliberately hurt him out of jealousy. I knew it was a mistake but up to this day she still tells the story of my “wicked” act towards my brother.

On another occasion my brother was climbing a plum tree when it broke and he fell out of the tree and broke his fall on my head. In the process he broke his hand and my mother blamed me for allowing him to climb the tree and breaking his arm on my head. It was clear to me that everything that happened to my brother was my fault, my responsibility. From early my mother would go on about how much my brother looked liked her and behaved like her. Mom would say that I was spoilt and A. was traumatized by this, since she said that he felt unwanted and uncared for. Mom said this was why he was so reserved and that she had to overcompensate for this. Yet in the process she pushed me aside and dedicated all her time to him. So in this case I was the criminal and not the plum tree, responsibility for it was mine. A. was taken to the hospital and a cast was put on, but the problem was that the hospital gave him the wrong medication and he became very sick. This was because he was allergic to the drugs. The doctor was called in and the drugs changed. I was very upset and felt responsible even though it was not my fault

My mom found all the differences between us and exploited them, this caused further division. From early, around 13 or 14 years, I saw in my brother similar traits as mom, he held grudges and waited till I had forgotten and took revenge. One example was where I had relieved myself in the yard, something my mom got angry with and when I had done something to him he used it against me. By this time we were totally different people. My brother liked mechanical things and he also loved taking them apart and rebuilding them. He loved riding his bike and skateboarding. His adventurous spirit drew people to him and he had a bunch of wild friends. I, on the other hand, was always in my room reading and even though I had a bike my mother had to force me out of the house. Usually she had to beg A. to take me along and I could see he resented it and I was cramping his style. We would get into fights on the street with friends and this led to further separation in terms of brotherly love. On one occasion A. rode his bike and mud splashed into my braces and I ran home to tell mom to deal with him. C. said she did not have time to deal with it and I said I would, in my anger I ran out of the house and did not realize that the door was closed. My hand went through the glass which nicely filleted my arm. I still live with a scar that reminds me of what anger does to me.

Yet there were moments when my brother and I got along. When it came to people saying bad things about our parents we would join together to defend them. Once my brother stoned a guy for bad mouthing my mom and I defended him. In another case a guy was attacking A. and I got enraged and kicked the boy into a drain and picked up a large rock to smash his head. My brother and others had to stop me. There were a lot of outings to watch movies by friends or to catch birds and fish where my brother and I collaborated. Once he was skateboarding and a car swerved into him, he fell and became unconscious, I remember becoming very concerned and upset over his state, till the doctor said he would be ok.

These were some of the moments I remember that stand out, most however is the anger I felt when he did me wrong and how happy I felt when I got him back… mind you when mom got involved I always felt that I was the one who got more of the punishment. Once, my brother and I were running around my grandmother’s dining room table when we hit her porcelain Ming Chinese vase, which fell and broke. The punishment other than licks entailed our first salary going to pay for it, yet all eyes fell on me.

By my teenage years the situation got worse; we stopped playing together and while I loved history, cooking, reading and staying to myself, A. was outgoing and always out. Now I was never upset about it until my mom kept throwing in my face that I should be more like him and look up to him. I regret not being that role model and being there for him but I was a young boy and I know I was not supposed to be responsible for him, I was not his dad. Mom began to confide in A. and tell him stuff about me and in the same way she talked about him to me. A shroud of suspicion developed and we both could not trust each other. I felt pure hatred and resentment from A. when he looked at me and in return, not understanding why he hated me so much, I felt anger towards him. This went on until I got my driver’s license and for a few short years after that I felt like my brother and I would be able to bond and get along.

When I got my driver’s license I literally became a new person, I really opened up and left my room behind me. In fact, my brother and I were able to move from roaming the neighborhood to driving all around the country. My brother and I went to different schools and unlike me A. was able to go through school without too many problems. Most of the schools were prestigious schools and A.’s school friends were a wild bunch. A. and I began to hang out and I made friends with his friends, we did a lot of wild things, some I am not proud of and some that were a little dangerous. My brother and I talked a lot during this time but it was all about the next lime or who to date. I never felt like I fit in and there were many times my brother looked like I was cramping his style.

It was during this period also that both of us started to date. Our first girlfriends came from the same crowd but even though we were serious I felt that the girls within the group were not for me. Then I met my second girlfriend and got so serious that hanging out with my brother became less and less important. Our routine changed to where I dropped him by his girlfriend and I went by mine. As I became more interested in D. as I will call her here my circle of friends changed to those I considered my age and whom I felt represented my style. Then D. and I joined the church youth group and surrounded ourselves with a totally different group of friends. My brother became very angry with me and mom told me once that A. felt I had deserted as well as abandoned him. Mind you I did feel that I had let him down but part of me also felt that I had become a glorified driver. There were occasions just before my brother got his license when we hung out but they became very tense moments. One time our mom told us not to go to Maracas Waterfalls and we disobeyed her. While there the car was broken into and we decided to tell mom that it happened at another place. We took an oath never to tell, when we told mom the brunt of the responsibility for the event fell on me. We were punished and mom told me later that A. told her the truth. I was so angry since it came across as though I was the villain and A. was manipulated by me.

There were some moments when I did feel close to A. like the time he confided in me about his first time with a girl or how he felt about his girlfriend. But these moments never lasted long and A. would become his usual cold self with me. I could not go into his room or borrow his clothes and if I did he would quarrel and complain. Yet at times he would borrow my clothes without asking and it seemed ok with everybody. A. had no problem being able to get mom to have parties yet if I asked she would complain and make it seem such a problem. The few times that she did quarrel with him I actually relished since I felt he got away with murder. For example when I got into a serious accident and my mom nearly disowned me for it, locking me out of the house and banning me from cars, it seemed like the end of the world. But a few years later when my brother hit 3 cars around the savannah I don’t remember him ever being buffed and soon after he got another car. Mom always told me that A. was the more sensible one, the more mature and helpful. This was thrown in my face to the point I actually stopped bothering to try. Everything became a competition, for example buying a gift for mom became a battle between who could get her the most expensive gift. I even got the impression that my gift was less valued that A.’s

When I was in A’Levels, many of A.s friends came and told me that my brother despised me and he actually went around telling people he did not have a brother. I felt very hurt about it and actually wondered what I had done that was so horrible to him. When I went on to University and my brother began to work I started to see less and less of him. His next girlfriend kept him away from home and his new circle of friends comprised a group who to me were only around him to use him. A. always had the tendency to show off and to really exploit a situation. The prestigious school he had gone to intensified in him a snobby attitude that he was better than everyone else; in fact my mother had the same attitude. A. was into the fast life: boats, cars, fame and reputation things which many strive for, but the thing is he also tended to rub it in where it hurt. If I were to try to enter a conversation or chat with them I was seen as the outsider and looked down on. At one point A. even told me I was a boring person and that my conversations were so limited and narrow minded. I was surprised at this since I was more of the intellectual than he and his conversations could only revolve around certain topics like mechanics.
When I met my future wife S. he seemed very pleased for me but looking into his face I saw only hate and coldness. At this point he had truly become my mother and spouted everything she said, in fact I felt it was his mission to protect her against me. I deluded myself into believing they liked my future wife but then I always had a suspicion that all of them were talking about me behind my back. I had ample evidence of this because there were pow-wow sessions where my mother and A’s friends would discuss his girlfriend and how stupid he was, I must admit I was part of these sessions but looking back at it now it was despicable.

A. and his second girlfriend L. went around for nearly 8 years and my mother in all her efforts worked on my brother to get rid of her because she felt she was not good enough for him. C. put on so much pressure that my brother had to bend and in the end gave her up. I believe one of the reasons why mom did not like her was because L. did not take mom on and mom could not control her. My brother’s girlfriend and future wife was hand chosen by his friends and mom and was her idea of a perfect daughter-in-law. In fact it was as though my brother married a clone of my mom.

A. tried to screen his friends from me, I don’t know if it was a fear that I could take them away but it was something both my mom and A. did and were proud of. I fear that because both of them could not influence me on my future wife they became very jealous and hated her. Both my mom and A. conspired to try to ruin our marriage, A. complained about the wedding and even though he knew I did not drink gave me a toxic combination on my bachelor night that resulted in symptoms resembling alcohol poisoning. Even after when my wife and I separated ourselves from mom he took her side and never once contacted us to see how we were doing in fact to this day other than ironic occasional presents for his nephews there is no contact. Even when we again started talking to mom, whenever we did visit he always looked at us like if we were aliens and never stayed around long enough to chat- as though we had a disease.

Since my wife and I no longer have any contact with my brother the only news I hear about him comes from my dad, who gives me unsolicited reports. A. is not all that perfect as my mom leads one to believe. Most of his enterprises tend to sink and usually result in my dad and mom bailing him out. At one time, one business enterprise had to be taken over by his friend and is , according to my dad, now flourishing. Even though A. now works for my dad and is poised to take over, my dad still has not retired, perhaps because he still feels A. is not ready. I must admit this has vindicated me since for a long time I felt he was better than me. Many of A’s ex-friends have come back after years to say that A. went around bad mouthing me, he told many people that I was gay and they said he was a gossip and was full of empty talk.

For a long time I had felt really guilty for not being a better role model or a brother that A. could look up too. I used to feel really guilty for being angry or hating my brother especially considering some of the pranks I used to play. For my part I buried a lot of what I related here and as usual put them in boxes to deal with later because confronting them hurt to much. I wrote my brother once on my feeling, telling him about my regrets and hurts and that I was sorry for all the hurts I put him through that were really my fault. However I did write that I can’t be responsible for all his problems and how his life turned out was not my fault or responsibility. This was the impression I got as the reason for his hating me. I never received a reply and silence did give me the answer. For a long time I felt it was something that I could deal with and by doing this it got worse. I really turned to God who has in the past year helped me to bring everything up and deal with it. Letting it go and not allowing it to fester helped me give up all my feelings of hurt, pain and anger. I love my brother and don’t hate him. I used to look for friends who would represent a true brother because deep down I really wanted a brother and friend. Today by releasing A. to God and really dealing with issues, I am free to say that whether I have a brother or not, God and my family are the only important things in life.