CONSORT

"MY WIFE"

I have been really tired of late and took some time out to sort out myself. Now that I am back I want to dedicate some time to "My Wife". S. is part of me in every way and loving her really has made me a whole person. Life without her would be dull and boring and not to mention not worth living. God is the centre of my heart but my wife is also in there. I know that I have hurt her in so many ways and building back trust and romance will take a while. I plan in the next few posts to write on how we met, our marriage, my adulterous actions and our rebuilding from scratch.

S. has been the corner stone of my life even when I was trying to push her away, but my heart did not let me. I know S. is a special woman one who has time and time again proven herself to God. I know in so many ways I don't deserve her and yet I do. For a long time I was a very selfish person not allowing anyone to love me or to get a handle on me. I did not want to feel vulnerable and at the mercy of anyone. I pushed love away even in the wonderful package that God gave me in S.

To push her away I did everything to make her see that I was not worthy and she should get rid of me. In the end it was God and her love that melted my walls and gates that I had carefully built up. S. has made me "feel" again, to love again and to hope again. The warm feeling I get inside when she is in the room can only be balanced by the feeling of burning passion I get when she touches me. Loving S. is so liberating and encompassing that no one can understand that personal feeling but me.

As I write S. and I are on a new journey one that God has set us on. This journey of exploration is about the two of us and the new love, the new relationship and the new unity God has put together in us. There are days when S. is at a low especially since I have done so much in the past to destroy her confidence in herself. I see the hurt and pain, the hate and love and the insecurities and fears she has. I am dedicated to our love and know that it is real, it is S. that I love no other. I can express this till the day I die but it is only in living it that it is real. I am the one who is now on the flip side of 3 years ago. I have to learn to wait for someone who has to rebuild love, romance, confidence and trust in someone who rejected it completely.

I know God gave me the choice either to leave or to stay, staying meant the uncertainty of S. not wanting me again and yet knowing and trusting that God would repair all. So things have come full circle in a journey that continues. I stand by my wife and I am here when she wants and not there when she does not want. i know also that I am the man God made for her as she is the woman God made for me.

My being gay never had a chance since my love for her overpowered it. I know that in the past that my gay feelings were real and that it nearly overpowered me. The thing is I have a more stable and wonderful life with S. I know if God had not miraculously taken away those demons and feelings, my life would have continued to be a miserable one because it could not compare with what I have with S. even in the worst moments. I know this because for the 3 years I went out and explored those feelings I never felt happy or contented. It is only when I am with S. that I do.

This is just an opening post on my wife who as I speak sleeps all wrapped up in a blanket. My love for her is so overpowering and being in love with her has renewed me and made me a true man. The thing is there are many people out there who would say that there is too much of a gulf, that it would be better to start a fresh new life, but I know there is no one out there like S. and I would prefer to be alone and miserable.