OBSERVING REALITY

OUTSIDE LOOKING IN ! ! !

I was sitting at my desk today thinking of my wife and wondering why I was not home all cuddled up with her in bed. I really wanted to chuck my job and look for something new to do. The people I work with really reminded me of mindless drones, running around looking as though they were doing things but in actuality they were not. I used to believe that I made a difference in my job, but here was the problem, for when I took all the responsibility for life on my shoulder I realized that I am never satisfied and I am always looking for something else to do. There is nothing constructive about my work, in fact the staff has lately degenerated into a bunch of gossipers and scandal makers. People's lives have become so robotic at work that they really become a statistic on the record books.

I know I do my job well enough and as my wife tells me I am a workaholic, which mind you I do admit 100%. Today however I was sitting at my desk listening to the people around me and I just knew I did not belong there. I use to say this on and off that I was different, but today it really struck me that there was a gulf between me and other people. The difference was that my focus was on what God wanted for me and how he wanted me to approach it. Gossiping and spending time in useless conversation really did not bring any upliftment to my life or for that matter glory to God. I did feel guilty when I got involved in destructive conversations and then God would pull me up which I am always grateful for. Today however I began to realize that I was noticing for myself the uselessness of these conversations.

O.K. so it sounds like I am rambling here but I am not. The point is today I stepped back from my present to take a good look at me and my surroundings. What did I notice, well for one thing in the scheme of things I was a spot in the world, but with God I was everything and what's more I was special and loved. The next thing that struck me was the fact that God has a plan for me and even when things looked really grim it is a part of his plan in brining us to that wonderful place. I really thanked God for bringing me out of my pit, my hell, my dungeon and what's more he loves me.

I started off my day kissing my wife before I left and burning the image of her sending me off. S. looked so beautiful standing at the gate and I really miss her when I leave for work. At work I count the time down before I leave for home to bath in her smile and her presence. I know in my being I love her and I am in love with her. Chatting with her on the phone really made me happy and helped me through the day. This was another of my looking at reality from afar. I enjoy my great love interest, hobby and day dream, that is my wife.

All these thoughts and wonderings came to me after my last post on my wife. I really found all the feelings I had for her once again and I really can express it in so many words. I know too from today's contemplation that the job I am in is not my last and that God has a greater more fulfilling one for me. The thing is I am in the place I am for a reason and one of these days God will bring me out of it, that's the realization that really made me happy today. I don't have to worry and I don't have to work towards pushing myself to be better in something that is no longer getting me anywhere.

For a long time I did things as I said on my own terms and never allowed God to be the centre of my life. I did not allow myself to submit to him fearing that if I did he would not come through, you see a lot of people including me don't want to trust someone they cannot see. The thing is when I took charge of my life I always tended to mess it up. It was only by releasing my fears, my control, my selfish nature and placing it in God's hands did everything work out, really having the guts to leap in faith. Mind you the way God works is never by conventional means or the way you think He would. Talking about God is a lot more liberating than anything in the world and He is a feature of all my posts. That fact is I would not be here today if it were not for him, because when I was in my darkest hour, my deepest pit and when I was on the verge of suicide he pulled me out.

This is what I was thinking about today especially in light of the fact that I can truly say that I was once Gay. I know I have spoken about this and plan to speak about my experience in upcoming posts but I was thinking about it today as part of my life. In fact for a long time I denied that I was Gay, instead I said to myself and my wife that it was just alternative feelings that I was dealing with. It was only recently that I accepted that Gay I was and Gay I am no longer. Sitting at my desk and while driving home this afternoon I was studying how God brought me through a journey from my struggle with being Gay to being very contented with being straight and loving my wife fully and completely and without regrets. I can truly come back to earth knowing that there is no lingering feeling for wanting a man and I am fully and completely a whole person who is not torn in two directions. Now, there are a lot of people out there who would say that I was never Gay, I was fooling myself or that it was out of vice, but they are not me and they did not go through what I went through. They were certainly not my wife, nor did they feel the hurt, pain and betrayal I put her through in my embracing being Gay.

Now I have read a lot of blogs, articles, web pages and the whole mass media on being gay and I have noticed something very important that I have found out and that no one ever mentions or even contemplates. That is that being gay is not what God wanted for people, that He does not make people gay and that it is a spiritual attack. Now I only mention it here since it was on my mind today and it was something that I was contemplating. I know because it was only when I really cried out to God and submitted to Him that He was able to liberate me from the feeling of being Gay. I want to dedicate a post to this and not confuse things more than necessary.

The thing is this is a blog about my life and I am writing about my experiences. After coming back to earth this afternoon I wanted to write what I was thinking and feeling. As it is I came home to a beautiful wife and wonderful children God gave to me as a gift. I really want to spend my time with them and enjoy what God gave me till I die.