MY TRUE FATHER - GOD (PART 1)

"GOD AND ME"

It really struck me today that before I go any further I want to take some time out to really discuss my journey to God. God has been my guide all of my life and really there is not a single thing that I have done in the past that he was not in control of. I dedicate my life to him and I am ever in his debt, you see he has done miracles in my life on more than one occasion. My relationship with God is always ongoing and there is a lot still to go.

From an early childhood I enjoyed reading the Bible and wondered about this Almighty figure who did so many great things. I grew up in a strict Catholic family where the rosary was said every day and every weekend we were in church. I would sit and ponder all the frescos and statues in the church and just wonder what the heck I was brought into the world for. The stories of Adam and Eve, Noah, Moses, Daniel and Jesus all intrigued me and I would sit for hours just reading it over and over. My great-grandmother had this huge old Bible with pictures and I would sit staring at it. I had a lot of questions about who God was and what he wanted me to do. I really felt that since he made me that I had a special purpose or better yet he had a mission for me to do.

As I grew older I really got interested in Youth groups, going to church more, listerning to the mass and really wanting to understand my faith. Yet, the more I dug into the Bible and God I felt a contradiction with what I was hearing from the priest. The thing was I never questioned what I was being taught because to do so was to doubt God and the church, it was considered a mystery that only God could understand. This made me even more curious about God and I dived right into church. I enjoyed First Communion and Confirmation and learning about the love of God and his forgiveness was inspiring. What was even greater was the sacrifice his son Jesus made for all our sins, to me this was an humbling event and I wanted to be just like Him.

The only thing was I was beginning to feel held back by the church, when I told my parents I wanted to go to church more often they felt something wrong with me but then when I did not feel up to going to church on a weekend I was berated and literally condemned to hell. The more I looked at the church the more not like Jesus it became, the priest would fall asleep in mass, read the wrong reading and berate parishioners for their children's crying. I know Jesus would not have done that. I could not understand why I had to go to confession when no where in the Bible did anyone go to anyone else. I wondered if God was deaf, especially when we had to pray to the saints especially since Gods first two commandments contradicted this. For me it was a contradiction, but I put it down to my misunderstanding.

I use to pray every night saying the whole rosary and falling to sleep in the process, I forced myself to keep up and say it as well as to speak to God directly. When I began to have Gay feelings I literally thought I was the most evil person in the world that I had allowed myself to give in to the devil. I was so fearful of going to hell that I begged God everyday to take these feelings away. I even on two occasions went to confession for it and on both occasions the priest said it was a common temptation that we had to resist until we were strong enough spiritually that it would go. However, the feeling never went and I felt tormented, I even felt that this was my cross to bear for life and vowed to never give in to this temptation.

In the meantime I became interested in other people's religious beliefs and wondered about how God was worshipped by those people. I was intrigued by my Seven Day Adventist neighbours who spoke God and Jesus so different from The Catholic church. I was very interested on their interpretation of the Book of Revelations but then my mother came along and banded us from having any dealings with them since they would corrupt our beliefs. For me getting closer to God would mean all my problems would go away, I always felt that I was an evil child since in my mother's house I could do no right. It seemed to me when I look back at it I was the seed of Satan to her, I remember sitting at the end of my bed and asking her why it was I was so prone to doing bad things and her answer was she did not know why. In my mind my mother really made me feel like I was destined for hell, especially since the Gay feelings would not go away.

After I reached 18 I became very religious in that I focused on what the church wanted and not on what I wanted. I really moved away from the focus on God and really put my self in the hands of those who I felt understood God the best. I joined many Youth Groups, attended a Life In the spirit seminar, C.O.R.E. retreat and a host of groups that really made me feel for a time close to people who could help me understand God and myself. It also helped me keep my mind off of my mother and my Gay feelings. However the closer I got to understanding God the more I questioned the faith I was born into. I could not understand first of all why my parents felt something was wrong with me for wanting to know God and spend time with him. Another rethink was the amount of people who I had met in the church all had problems that the church were unable to help. I never openly questioned my church leaders and felt ashamed for questioning.

I decided that the best way to get closer to God was to become a priest and I started counseling sessions to prepare for this calling. I felt this was what God wanted since on two occasions at a Life in a spirit session I was told that my calling was to preach and heal. On the contrary, I really felt a strong feeling that I was destined to get married and I seriously wanted children, So in the end I chose University and never regretted it.

I have always felt that in those days God was watching me that even though I felt lost at times and confused He had a plan and that this was just part of it. I always felt that I would be a good boy if I kept myself pure, so I surrounded myself with good Christian friends and made vows to God to not do a host of things. However I understand now that this was not the best thing I could have done. It was during my university years that my whole belief system changed and I began to really focus on God and his word. I really needed a new focus to take my mind off all the problems I was facing at home and emotionally.

I studied the history of the Catholic Church and what I really learned disturbed me, especially the fact that the more understood the more aware I was that they were really not living by God's word. It really struck me that every part of the Bible was opposite to what the church I was born into represented. I found it hard to pray at night especially to Mary or the different Saints, I preferred to direct my prayers to God directly. I really found church no longer fulfilling and I actually felt happy when I did not go. However, the fear of mom finding out that I missed a few weekend services really made me feel like I was truly delinquent.

The thing was my gay feelings made me feel as though I was dammed to hell. I had read the Bible and really felt that the destruction of Sodom was as a result of Homosexuality. I really loved God but what the church said about those feelings really caused me to pull away. I could not believe that God who created us and loves us would just condemn me. I felt really good when I prayed directly to him and as I read more, especially the life of Christ I just knew inside of me that God loved me the way I was and that He would take those feelings away. I just knew also that he did not make anyone conflicted with their sexuality, God did not torture people.

When I met my wife S. I felt the needed to reacquaint myself with the Church, S. and I became the model couple at service. However the more I went the more I felt like a hypocrite and I began to feel depressed. I felt happier just talking to God, reading the Bible and confessing my wrongs to him directly. The problem was that the feelings I had for men never went away even when priest had told me it would. I continued to be a good Catholic even after I got married, but a number of events that occurred while my wife and I were at work really changed my whole spiritual outlook on life. What I know was God was ready to move both my wife out of an old system into a new.

These memories are the first experiences I had of God and my next post would contain how God transformed my life.