BRAIN OVERLOAD

"SO MANY THOUGHTS SO LITTLE TIME"

What I am writing is more for my wife, God and me than anyone else. I feel sometimes that if I don't express myself then I will explode, or just shut down. For the last few days I have been wondering about my future and if my family and I will be O.K. I say this because there were many decisions made over the last 10 years that really did a disservice to my family and me.

In every other area of our lives S. and I are doing well and on our way to being fully one again. I really love and cherish the new found joy in each other. Yet, in our financial situations we seem to be always at a loss. It is not that we over-spend or make bad decisions but life seems to be playing a cruel game with us. I say this because as I speak we are in the middle of a financial debt that seems out of control especially because all basic goods and services keep climbing in price as we face rising inflation while the income stays the same.

I believe that God is in control of our lives and I do not doubt that He will come through for us, but it is at this time I feel at my weakest. I feel vulnerable and stressed, which is playing havoc with my weight, my health and how I react to my family. There is nothing I can do but wait on God, and even if I have to live in poverty I will serve Him. This is not the problem, it is all the thoughts of how to fix it that are, especially as we have tried everything only to have another basic need unexpectedly increase in cost, affecting the entire society, including us.

I am starting to feel very overloaded and I am starting to shut down. Yet I know that by writing this, it helps in so many ways. I no longer feel good holding things in and writing helps release the oppressiveness of the worries. I blamed myself for the situation we are in; I never in a million years thought we could be in debt with no where to turn. Maybe this post is a waste of time but once I see it on a page and read it back I start to feel relaxed. Anyway, many of those people who called themselves family and friends I know now gave us some really bad financial advice, advice which was more sabotage than help. These people who would not even give the same advice to a client really messed us up and we are reaping the rewards for it because we naively trusted them because of their professional qualifications and personal relationships with us. We've learned what they say about business and family/friends don't mix, the hardest ways.

I must admit that in our excitement and exuberance we really stepped out of what God wanted for us and ended up in a further mess. I also must admit that my past mistakes have contributed to our present problem and I do regret them. I can go on all night grumbling about our situation but what really strikes me is I feel very confident that God is watching and working things out. A feeling deep down just washes over me, telling me that its not to late and its not over, that we will be O.K.

Now, this might be wishful thinking and a hope that is not there, but since God is all good and perfect, He will come through. If he does not, well it does not change my belief or my focus on Him. One thing I know, God, does not make mistakes and He never goes back on a promise. In my deepest darkest moments when I just know the devil is turning the screws that's when I focus on God even more.

One last point I wanted to say, my wife and children are truly a great help in that they make me happy and smile a lot.