MY TRUE FATHER - GOD (PART 2)

MY SPIRITUAL TRANSFORMATION

I used to feel that God was a text book case, in that He was typical of the Bible. All I needed to do was to pray and live a good life not bothering anyone and really resisting the devil and everything would be all right. I never stopped to think that I was getting it wrong or even asked God what he wanted me to do. I believed for a long time that I had to make my life right before I could even dare present myself to God. Also, I interpreted what God wanted me to do and did not listen for a very long time to the quiet voice that was saying hey wake up and listen to me. I felt all the answers could come from either me or from the literal translation of the Bible and in doing so I got myself lost and confused.

In my quest to find God on my terms I became more frustrated and more lost. I began to depend on people around me for answers and in so doing I made people my god, they had power over me. So that when S. and I began working together I was at a spiritual low, but yet I felt that this was only a stage. I knew God had put S. into my life for a reason and our courtship and marriage was also a stage in God's plan for us.

As a child I believed that even though God was all around us that we had to really fight hard to get his attention. As I grew older I believed that God was in a place that you could only access through prayer and meditation, a mystical place on the border between reality and dream. I felt that one had to reach a place in ones life that was so pure and good before ever being allowed in God's presence. This perfectionist idea stayed with me for a long time and it was really me that conceptualized this idea and in doing so I placed a heavy burden on myself, one that God did not place on me.

I wanted to really know God and to serve him and it was after my wife and I got married that I seriously decided to get to know him. The fact remained that up to the age of 27 I was always courting other people’s idea of god, and I was not really going to the source. Looking back at it all I know God had his hand on me and that he was calling me to him. My thirst for him was taking me in a new direction since I just knew the answer was not in any established church or person. I got a lot of inspiration from listening to my wife and her walk with God, for S. her walk with God started as a child. S. listened to the voice of God and really pursued a relationship with him and in doing so He directed and guided her in her everyday life. I saw how happy and contented she was when she talked about her relationship with God and this really made me want to know Him more. S. did not make a move without God's guidance and leading and I wanted this for my life. The thing was for a long time I had developed a stubborn personality one which did not like anyone or anything to be in control. (6/08/2006)

I started this post about 2 weeks ago and had nearly finished it when I accidentally lost most of it. The above is what I was able to recover and what I right now is a continuation of my transformation.

I began to actually realize that God was in control of our destiny the day I was getting married. A lot of forces joined together to break up my relationship with my wife to be, from my mother trying to stop me from getting married to a plot to get the priest to put it off because he had a mass to perform. It is interesting to note that my wife made it from her home to the church literally in 15 minutes, when in actuality it took near to 45 minutes. Growing up I never thought I would get married even though I wanted to. I always saw myself resisting my Gay feelings and living a bachelor life with my parents. What I experienced by getting married was a dream come true, a woman I loved and a new life with that significant other to share with. For me God was making everything come true, what struck me the most it seemed to me that my gay feelings had gone.

Life began great with S. and I really decided to become God’s servant in every way. For a long time my relationship with God was always one way, in that I did all the talking and did not listen. It was only when we were living and working away from home that my view of God changes and relinquishing my control over me was necessary for a true relationship with God. It was only when I had a spiritual experience where all the hail Mary’s and Catholic prayers could not work and I had to really cry out to God directly that things began to change. I so wanted to have that personal relationship and have the Holy Spirit teach me that I sat for hours just listening and becoming frustrated because I could not hear. It was one day while at work sitting watching the ocean and the river near by that a quiet and refreshing breeze struck me. What was odd was the fact that there was nothing blowing for miles around. It was here I really understood that God was not far away and hard of hearing but right next to you talking to you all the time. It was wonderful to just sit and hear the voice of God and to be taught by him, I remember weeks on end just walking and talking to God and obtaining the most complete and fulfilling answers. S. and I soon renounced all earthly religions to serve god directly, we became truly born again in God and his son Jesus Christ.

It was from this point I knew also that the devil would not let up on the attack and within a few weeks my family, friends and co-workers all deserted us. I was not prepared for this since I always felt human fellowship was important. I did have my wife, who was more supportive than any human in the world and who stood by me when all hell broke lose in our lives. I turned to God at these most stressful moments and digested all the Bible said, reading the Bible was like a map to a treasure since the same reading had a new meaning every other day. The first few years of our marriage was good in that my wife and I were really working together with God and battling everything that was thrown at us. I was extremely happy to know that now that I was with God in every way he would really remove the gay feeling I felt intermittently. I think one of the most scary occasions of my life was telling my wife my feelings towards guys, I had kept it a secret for so long yet I knew to have a true relationship with God and her I had to come out with it. When I did tell her I felt better and a weight lifted off my shoulder and I truly felt that God would soon remove it.

My enthusiasm and joy at serving God was great but the problem was I was still scared to let go fully control over my life. On many occasions I would not wait on God to direct me and I would step out and approach it on my logic and my idea on what to do. I allowed my pride and my self-importance to control me and I resented when God would send the correction through my wife, I soon began to be very arrogant and this affected my relationship with God and my wife. Added to this was the fact that the gay feelings were not leaving but getting stronger and stronger to resist. I wondered if this was my destiny, my cross to bear and yet I just knew God could and would remove it. This soon lead to my questioning and wondering over why it had not gone yet. This feeling turned to resentment and then to anger at God because I felt that by now all my dedication and worship should have been enough.

By 2002 I was so frustrated with the oppressiveness of my gay feelings that I could no longer resist them. I was scared to tell my wife as I had said they would go, also I had some serious trust issues and even though I should of confided in the one I married, the one most of all trustworthy I did not. I felt like the worse sinner, especially being angry with God, I felt I was destined to go to hell and wanted to punish myself and God for creating me. I hated myself and despised my body and all I wanted to do was to die. My relationship with God and my wife became strained as I tried to fix the problem without seeking the ones who could help the most, God and my wife. I had also put pressure on myself to be the head of the priestly household, especially to be a role model, father and good boy; this was something God did not ask me to do.

I got the opportunity to go away in 2002 and it was there I came upon many gay couples, to me it seemed so natural and I wondered if this was not my fate. I actually decided there and then that I was going to defy God, my life, marriage and everything I held dear. I did this because I wanted to force God to change me, to stop me and at the same time punish me. I also wanted to hurt myself since I really did not feel worthy of love or to be loved. As soon as I reached back home I turned to the internet and joined a few gay personal web pages. I did feel guilty and I did feel god warning me but I continued because I really wanted to test God and push him. Like any spoilt child I was looking for attention even to my detriment. I even went so far as to isolate my wife and try to destroy her because she loved me. I also wanted to push her away so I would not corrupt her and have her associate with such a sinful person. I know that I really gave in to the devil and I became a very different person, one that my wife could not stand to be around. I became a selfish person, making excuses for what I did and turning an argument against my wife. Because I was hurting I was lashing out and because I could not get to God I lashed out at the one closest to Him, my wife.

I pursued a gay relationship and committed adultery in the process. I am not proud of what I did nor am I writing it here to boast about it. While I was with the a guy called D. I blocked out all of my guilty feelings and really ignored that inner voice that said to stop. I know I was reaching that point of no return and I cried out to God to stop me because I no longer felt good or pleased about being with a guy, but then at the same time I did not want to stop. God used my wife and by her catching me I knew in a way that God was putting an end one way or the other to what I was doing. Through my wife God gave me an ultimatum, either Him or the devil, my choice was Him and my wife. I know I hurt my wife and destroyed all trust and honesty between us. We did talk and after first lying to protect her feelings I opened up. I know deep down inside I loved my wife and she was truly my mate in every way and at the time I did not know how to even think about starting to repair the damage, damage I felt was never going to be repaired.

I really poured my heart out to God and really confessed all my sins and really apologized to Him. I felt guilty and dirty for the things I did and more so when S. looked at me. I know I wanted her and fear of losing her gripped me, but then, it would be a just reward. But then like a true “Prodigal Son” that I was I came home begging forgiveness. S. did what I believe is the one thing that I so respect her for and am so unworthy to be in her presence and that was to forgive me and give me a chance. S. did this because she loved and obeyed God. We sat down getting to the root of the problem, the betrayal, the lies, the hurts but yet there were things that could not be repaired overnight. The thing that struck me the most was the fact that I was a totally different person during this time, one who was pure evil and diabolical, it was here that I truly came to accept that being gay was spiritual and that gay spirits did exist and affect me. I promised to start afresh, S. and I were going to start over in a sense, but even though I had returned to God I still felt that the Gay feelings lingered. After a year of no attractions to men and breathing a sigh of relief I began to experience blinding waves of gay feelings and attractions and I once again got depressed and upset. Why was this happening? What did I do? Did I allow another Spirit to infiltrate my life? How do I tell my wife about this? I feared telling her because this meant I was lying and fooling her. I made up my mind against all that God was telling me to just speak to gay guys and really get this thing out of my system. I said to myself all I needed was one experience and I would be cured. I could come home and live a perfect life free from this pressure.

I really wanted to serve God but again I still had this issue of relinquishing control of myself to God. I feared being vulnerable and also leaving things in a being's hands that I could not see. I knew this was foolish since He had done great things for me that could only be miracles. This time however my wife caught me when I was e-mailing. There was always that inner voice that wanted her to catch me to stop me before I made a terrible mess of everything. Deep down inside the love for my wife was being smothered by that selfish spoilt individual who wanted his own way. I still did not trust or allow those I loved in and I also kept all my problems to myself. By shutting out my wife and her love I rejected it. I began to feel a dark cloud slowly taking over my heart and destroying all that was me. I had accepted those demons in and I also allowed them to change my personality. I don’t blame my actions on spirits alone and at this point in my life I had truly given up fighting. I never truly gave up all my inner fears, hurts and traumatic events to God nor did I want to since I felt that these things made me feel that I was not perfect and I actually enjoyed escaping to that “I am not perfect” excuse. The fact is I needed to accept responsibility and take things to God, I also needed to deal with my issues and be a man. I was still allowing my childish self to rule alongside the destructive programming my mother had done.

I know I loved my wife and I know that I had to face every ugly thing I did to her and myself. For 3 years I had become a monster, I convinced myself that I could love both a man and a woman, that this could complete all the emptiness I felt and more. I was very wrong. Experimenting with men left me at first confused and then I really thought the experience would be great but it was not. I had known in a sense that it would be so since God had shown me and I knew that I would not like it. So in actuality I was one of those doubting Thomases who had to experience for myself. This I did and instead of stopping when my wife caught me the second time He allowed me to experience a sexual encounter with a guy. I know this is a strange thing to write that God would actually allow me to go through with such an action and I was a bit shocked myself. I wondered if this was really God, no God I knew except the devil encouraged such an action. I wondered if I was just convincing myself that this was what I wanted and if I used God as a reason, to seal the deal so to say. I wanted to back out at that point, but my wife and I needed to know once and for all what side I stood for and where we were headed. I can only say that when I met the guy S. and went with him the experience was so horrible and uncomfortable that I really was turned off physically and emotionally. I felt used, raped and abused and I understood why it was that I had to go through this experience and knew also that I no longer wanted to have sex with a man. All the feelings, thoughts and dreams I had about being gay were all brought into perspective and I truly understood how not me it was, how unnatural I felt and how real and true what I had with my wife was. I can only say that this was something I experienced and for each person it would be different.

I came home and told my wife that I no longer wanted to have a sexual relationship with a man and that I understood what God was doing in my life. I knew that I could no longer accept the way I was, that I was sabotaging my relationship with God, my wife and my children. Having to renounce all the evil I did and the get rid of all the demons pulling my strings was necessary if I wanted a truly great relationship with God, my wife and myself. For a long time after that I still wrestled with suppressing my problems, but I needed to let it out before it destroyed me. I dealt with the issues I had with my mother, brother and family and I moved on to dealing with issues of self-confidence and self-destructive forces. My wife was instrumental in bringing out these areas I had to deal with even sacrificing her hurts, pains and the betrayal I had caused. S. only did what God wanted and by and by it broke down that wall of protection I had built to prevent people making me feel vulnerable.

By January 2006 we had come to the next stage, either we were going to be a couple or we were going our separate ways. I was still not opening up to her and really telling her how I felt, while S. for all of our marriage had opened herself to me pouring out her love and fears and everything about herself. In return I spurned that love and her feelings, really destroying every possible avenue for reconciliation and a fresh start. My relationship with God had been very limited in that I only listened to some things and not all he said, I felt guilty and detested what I had done, but I also knew that I could not go on much longer living in guilt. I had a choice put before me, either chose God and stop putting off serving him or go my own way and leave S. and my children so that God could work in their lives. My choice was God and I soon felt a weight lifted, I truly surrendered to him and gave up control of my life. I saw my wife like a new person one that was so radiant and new, which she is. The love for her in my heart and that I had for God overcame the dark black mass I had built up and which was about to take over. I began to open up and talk to S. about my hurts my pains and all the issues. I wanted to hear from her and know her, I knew that she would share her hurts, pains and betrayal with me and even though I was scared to hear it I wanted her and I loved her. I would listen to everything she said and I wanted to answer all the questions that needed to be answered so that if there was any hope of us having a relationship in the future it could start by this communication and understanding. I just knew also that God wanted no issues between us.

I would like to say that the gay feelings I had went away for good with the experience I had, but there were remnants. I still craved the touch of a man, to just feel a guy and be with a guy. I did not want to have sexual intercourse and I did not want a relationship with a guy as I enjoyed sexual relations with my wife and I only wanted a relationship with her. This time I trusted my wife and did not give in to the fear, we decided together that I should go back on and pursue this to the end, which I did. I spoke to many gay guys on many different dating sites and I meet many of them. The thing was that as I chatted and talked to guys my feelings were slowly fading away. I knew that God was doing it and at the same time my attraction to S. was also growing. The guys I met were really good looking but when I meet them I felt no attraction or feelings to be with them. In fact the whole thing left me bored and uninterested and by April of 2006 I came off of all the sites and did so because I no longer needed to experiment or explore gay feelings. Maybe this is a simplified version of what happened but one thing I knew that all the gay feelings were real and were very much part of my life.

In the last 3 months my love and devotion for my wife have increased and my desire for her has no bounds. At the same time I have had to really come to terms with what I did and the pain, hurt and betrayal that my wife feels. I know it may take forever for her to trust me fully but I have seen God really working on both of us. I was that Prodigal Son three times and I know that I am humbled by what God has done and I know I don’t deserve it. Also in a funny way the roles have changed with S. and I, God has really made us see each other from the other side and I for one have a deeper understanding of what I put S. through. I do feel guilty for what I did and I will always remember the monster I was. As I speak the process of change and transformation is ongoing. There are good days and bad days, I know that there are a lot of hurts that S. feels and questions that she has and I am there through thick and thin for her. I love her and no one man or woman can take that away. I can say I love because I truly understand what love is, it is everything from sacrifice and devotion to hurt and pain, but then everyone’s experience with love is different. As I said I once could not understand love for I saw love as a vulnerable thing. By opening myself to exploring love with God and S. my heart is alight and happiness fills me. I also know that this transformation was Gods plan and out of all we have gone through we are stronger in God for it. I know too that my wife depends solely on God and that you must not put your faith in any man, if a person does not want to change no prayer or help you give can work, you have to make the choice alone, as I did. I love God and I will always love him. My relationship with him is so much better and He is so more of a Dad than any parent could be.

Before I end I just wanted to say that this is my transformation and I did not write this to change anyone. Everyone has a different story to tell mine is real and not imaginary. I know many people would read this and say that I am fooling myself or that I was never gay, but I know, my wife knows and many of the people around me know what really happened. I know that being gay is real in the sense that it existed in me and that it is now gone only through surrendering it to God and really going through hell and back.