INTERRACIAL MARRIAGE AND DISCRIMINATION

RACE AND MARRIAGE

As this post makes clear, my wife and I belong to an ever growing group of couples who are not marrying within their racial and cultural group, as expected by family and society. We belong to two different ethnic groups but do not even notice the difference as we married for love and not for colour. However, there are many in our society who hate the idea that such unions as my wife and I exist. S. and I have had to face a lot of discrimination, prejudice and stares over the years and I want to take some time here to say something about it. The problem does not just exist externally but internally with family members expressing their views on why we should not be together.

As a child, my parents never really discussed race or even the fact that there were other people who were not the same colour as I, probably because they thought I would not understand. Whatever the reason, I just took it that God made everyone different and that made them even more special. In fact I never thought of it as strange, or a threat, as most racists do. The people I mixed with belonged to a range of ethnic and religious groups and it was never a problem or an issue. I must admit a lot of this had to do with my dad, who did not confine us to one section of the ethnic population but took us all over to meet his friends who were of different races and religions.

Yet, as I got older I did hear some comments from my mother that made me cringe. For example, I remember her telling me that she did not want us coming home telling her that we were getting married to an African person since she could not comb cane-row. This comment shocked me since I had always come to believe that my mother did not have a racist bone in her body. Then other comments followed including the one that African people were prone to ignorance and violence, you could be friends with them, even bring them home but you could not marry them. I began to realize that the family I belonged to was not only racist but they were very sly about it.

In the process of reasoning I came to understand that my grandmother did not like East Indian people and my great-grandmother favoured lighter skinned family members. I tended to ignore these pieces of information since I knew I was not like that. By the time I was 17 years old I was dating girls of all different races and I never once thought that it was a problem. I grew to appreciate everyone and saw the diversity and mix as very important in advancing and understanding togetherness.

It was when I began to study for my first degree at University that I learned that there was a tradition in my family to whiten and this really was something new to me. I come from a very mixed ancestry and about 5 generations ago a plan was set in motion that members of the family who were dark should try as best as possible to marry people of lighter skin, understandably back then my ancestor obviously felt life would be better for her descendants the lighter they were. This would result in each generation becoming whiter. When I found this out I was taken aback a bit, but the more I thought about it I realized that it was true. My grandmother had encouraged her children not only to marry lighter skinned people but also into the most prominent families. The thing is, I know they did not expect my dad to do the opposite with tradition.

When I meet my future wife S. her race was not an issue. I found her to be the most beautiful woman, every thing about her was fantastic, and today she is even better than ever. But back then the only fear I had was the acceptance from my family. I would admit that I did listen to them a lot and was controlled by what they said. Strangely enough when I brought S. to meet my grandmother she liked her, but I must add we were not planning to get married yet. I was a bit relieved when she died, because if I got married my grandmother would not have approved, not that I was happy she died. It was only when S. and I declared our intention of getting married that all the racist comments came out.

At first I observed that when we went to family gatherings we were literally ignored or shunned and family members even looked down on us. But the worst came from my aunt. One day she dropped me to pick up my car at the mechanic and on the way she tried to use quiet persuasion to try and prevent me getting married. She noted that the two of us were from different backgrounds and cultures and we should realize that just did not work. I could not believe it. Here I was sitting in a car with my aunt, hearing the most racist statment of my life and what made it worse was the fact that it was directed towards me. I loved S. and nothing they said would deter me from marrying the one I loved. Even my mother tried to make comments about the marriage to be and this could also be seen on their very sour faces at the reception, I just knew they did not approve of the match. I did not care.

The pressures inside the family circle were bad enough but added to it were the pressures from within the society. The first dose of racism came from a University lecturer. On a particular day, S. and I were walking past his office when he stood in the doorway of his office and stated that we were a corruption and an abomination since we were intermixing the races by our being together. I really could not understand this prejudiced statement until I learned later that he was an Indian Nationalist and did not like Indians mixing on any level. He died a few months ago and I am not sorry that such people have left the earth, they breed more hate and evil by the things they say and do.

After my wife and I got married we were bombarded with such comments as, "Where did you meet your husband, certainly he is not a Trinidadian?" Or they might just say, "So what part of the States or England are you from?" You see, no self respecting caucasian man from Trinidad would marry someone of East Indian ancestry. In this it was made quite clear that stereotypes existed which I never encountered before. Also, people would say S. married a white guy for money or position when that was not the case. Of course, many of these statements were made behind our back, no one was brave enough to say it to our face.

It was even worse when we went to England. There the Pakistanis and Sikhs looked down on us for daring to even be together. I remember one time we were on the subway when some Sikhs were watching us. Now, it is not the watching that bothered me, it was the look of disgust and murder in their eyes that struck me. When my wife and I had our children, people always considerd her the nanny or the maid, because the children came out fair and looked like me a lot. When they realized that S. was the mother they looked shocked and disdainful.

These are just some of the most racist and prejudiced things I have noticed because my wife and I are together. I know a lot of it is due to jealousy and hatred that we make it work and that we love each other. I have learned that people who are usually racist are some of the most unhappy people, that they are selfish and have huge insecurities. I also know that to be racist really locks one out from entering heaven or for that matter hearing God. I am very proud of my family and what God has put together and what other people think is of no consequence.