ADULTERY

"BETRAYING & REBUILDING"

I would admit that writing this particular post is not as easy as I thought it might be. In fact, I have put this off so many times, because the hurts and pains of betraying the person I love are still fresh. S. and I are still in the process of overcoming the most fundamental destruction of trust and a whole string of vows I made when we got married, including truth and love. I never though in a million years that I would betray my wife and in the worst ways, neither did I think I would ever betray the vows I committed to when I got married. However, I did break them and during that period of my life hurt the only one after God who cared for me the most. The pain and betrayal felt by S. went to the core of trust, comfort and love she had for me and it really shattered the ideal she saw in me. It also showed that a man who had the potential to be a great man of God could really reach rock bottom and come close to destroying the great gift I received in S. and my children. Yet, in one decision, I was willing, no, choosing to throw the gift of happiness away.

Now I am not writing this post to defend my actions nor to give an explanation or reason for what I did. I am writing this as a continuation of my life story and as a process of healing for both S. and I. I believe in some small way that writing this not only brings closure but also brings S. and I closer together.

When I was a teenager, I used to hear my mother and her friends talk about so many husbands who had mistresses, or what we call "deputies". I wondered why it was that these men married and then broke the vows they made to their wives. I heard about the pain and hurt it caused not only for the wife but also for the children involved. In school, it seemed to me that every other person in class had parents who had split up and I wondered if this was a new trend in life. I still believed that since my parents were together that neither my brother and I would become one of those statistics. I know I was a little too proud that "we were not like other people", but I believe that it was unfair to look down or to feel superior because of this. I did not wait long before it happened to me.

I know in a past post I related how I came to be the one who found out about my father's infidelity. The revelation really did not affect me right away as dad was never around that much and I never felt close to him. I did understand that he had betrayed my mother and like it or not he went out side of marriage, lied to mom and us and caused a lot of hurt to mom. Well, this is what I thought way back then, especially when my mother would cry about it or really lash out at us and speak about dad with a lot of hurt and pain in her voice. No one deserves to be betrayed like that and putting aside that my mother was not really a nice person, dad should not have done what he did if he was not happy, but then who am I to judge since what I did was worse. My dad left us for a year and visited occasionally, but before he left I always remember him coming into our room and lying about why it was he was leaving. I felt then that he should have told the whole truth including the piece that he and mom just could not get along, and his affair. I am surprised by the fact that I felt no emotion about it and all I said to myself was that when I got married I would never do that to my wife. I made a vow never to do this because I saw how devastating it was.

It was devastating since from then until I got married, I saw and felt the backlash from my mother. C. was constantly bitter and constantly saying that men were worthless, untrustworthy and were good for nothing. Dad bore the brunt of her anger and hurt which was understandable, but as the years rolled by she got even more bitter and she began to take it out on me, since in her mind I looked like my dad and I was her punching bag. I could say this since C. told me so many times. I remember mummy telling me that men could not commit and they were destined to be unfaithful, I really took this to heart since she constantly mentioned that I looked like my dad and his family and I would one day do the same thing. I made a conscious decision to prove this wrong; I believed that I could be more than faithful and that not all men committed adultery. After a year of dad being away he started to court my mother again and really pour out how much he regretted what he did to her. He bought her expensive jewelry and gifts, which was a way he showed how much he loved her. However, my mother's reply was that he needed to be punished and she would take him for every thing he could give her. Up to this day, and it has been more than 20 years, she still keeps him far away from her emotionally and they both sleep in separate beds. In fact, because she has never forgiven him she constantly reminds him of the infidelity he committed which I know plays on his guilt.

This is what I saw adultery as being and I really wondered if I was not destined, since I was a man, to do what my mom said men did. Now, the cult of "Machismo" really plays a major role in Trinidad and many men feel it is their duty to prove that they are virile and they do this by having many women. It is something they boast and brag about, so much so, that it is inculcated in every generation. I had made a vow not to have other women on the side; I always believed that if you could deceive your girlfriend and have another woman when you said you did not also meant you could continue this practice after you were married. Many guys found it fun to play this dangerous game of keeping the 3 or 4 girlfriends they had from knowing or catching them, "the player" or "horner man". I was very disgusted by this growing up and I could not understand if it was natural for a guy to do this or if it wwas peer pressure. Deep down inside I wondered again, was it normal to break one of God's major 10 Commandments, was I going to do such a thing to my wife? I thought to myself that I was a devoted guy and when I was with a girl I never looked at another woman, however I did look at guys but I told myself that it was not straying but resisting the cross I bore.

A few years after my mom and dad got back together, one of my uncles was caught by my aunt with another woman. My Aunt R. had been married to P. for many years and I really did not like him because he was one to flaunt money in your face and really look down on you. He treated my aunt as though she did not have a brain - berating her in public or when family was around. To show off, he would speak badly of people and there were many times the whole atmosphere would be tense. When he was not around, the family would talk about how annoying he was or how badly he was treating my aunt. There were many times we would spend time over by my aunt and my brother and I would find stashes of porn magazines and movies. They would be just right there in the open and later when he got internet, well you could just imagine what was on it. My mom once confronted him about it telling him to at least hide it from his children and hers. I remember everyone saying that with his obsession with sex, magazines and videos that he was going to be looking outside for excitement soon. They said this since he was no longer paying attention to my aunt. To make a long story short a few years later my aunt caught him with a woman and she told him to get out. However, he begged to be let back in and promised that he would change and not do it again. This did not last long since within a few months she drove to the woman’s home and caught him red handed. That was the end of their marriage, but what struck me the most was how devastating it was to my cousins who up to now have not gotten over it. In fact, many of their problems in maturity and socialization stem from the trauma. I really did not want to put my children if I had any through that and I really felt that I would not be capable of such deception, lies and hurt, but deep down inside I wondered if it weren't impossible for all men not to be weak to this flaw.

So when I got married in 1997 I was very proud of the fact that I had never "horned" anyone I dated, especially my wife. This was to change and I feel like such a hypocrite for saying that I would never do that. The decision to commit adultery and to hurt my wife was not one that I can explain with one word but I can say that my selfish nature had a lot to do with it. I know that my not talking or communicating my problems and allowing them to fester was also part of it because I had caused a distance to grow between my wife and me that resulted in me detaching my feelings from her. Also my concept of life was really messed up and I really can say that because I did not understand or care to understand what love was I was not prepared to share that love with anyone. This resulted in a cold and heartless individual who, when the pressure over his gay feelings could not be held in check anymore, snapped. I also know that I felt unworthy of S. and felt sure that she could do better; this made me want to do anything to push her away. Pushing her away in my mind meant doing the one thing I said I would not do and that was to commit adultery. Nevertheless, it's not as easy as that. I really had reached that point that my selfish childish feelings, ones I had suppressed for years, I allowed to be free. I did not want to share and I certainly did not want to care for anyone else except me. Every decision I made was done without including my wife - nor did I want to. I wanted my own way and S. was an obstacle to me being happy. I did also feel a loss, an emptiness, that something was missing, something that S. I felt could not fulfill.

For so long I had been a good boy, allowing myself to follow God without really submitting. My selfishness and my stubbornness developed into a rebellious and very angry person who really resented God and his love. I wanted as much as possible to rid myself of all the love and caring that he offered since my problems were not being taken care of. S. represented what God had to offer and I wanted out of my life because I really was on a destructive path, one that would lead me to hell - which mind you I felt I was heading towards anyway. So all these pieces came together in a lethal cocktail and I went against every vow and promise I made never to hurt, deceive or horn my wife. Deep down inside, that inner voice cried out for me to stop, telling me that the repercussions were disastrous, but I did not listen, I was hurting and I wanted to lash out and who better to do that to but my wife, the one who loved me the most. In my effort to tear myself down I tore S. down with me. I destroyed her trust in me and made her to some extent doubt God. I did what no other demon, family member, friend and enemy could do and that was to betray and hurt her. I felt guilty, very guilty and I hated myself even more. I told myself that my mother was right, that I was destined to do this, that I always was, and I would always do it again. What was worse in my mind, I did it with a guy, to make myself feel better I tried to make S. look like the enemy, and I did everything possible to get her so angry that she would lash out at me and do things that would justify my hating her. What added to this was my perception of women, it was my reasoning from seeing my mother in action, that women were all the same - that they would be cruel and unforgiving as my mother was. I really felt that S, could turn into my mother and I too was transferring all my anger and hatred I had about my mother on to S. as though she were my mother.

I know I said a lot of hurtful things and did a lot of selfish things. I could fill up two or three posts on what I did, but much of it can be found on the posts I wrote about my gay experience. I hurt S. so much that I destroyed everything she loved about me. How could she love someone who did not even know what love was, who could betray her and lie to her like that. I was a spiteful individual, one who said very nasty things to make her hate me. What husband, or for that matter, man, would do that to the person they are suppose to love. In doing this, I made her cry, I made her ache in her heart and I made her come to the point of hating me. What really was the buffer was God and his promise that we were meant to be together, but I would not take up my mantle of authority and become the man God said I would become. I had given into fear, fear that I could not be a good husband, fear that I was such a sinner that I could not be forgiven and fear that I could not become what God wanted me to become. I had made the decisions and the thoughts were all mine; being selfish became very overpowering and S. became a combatant and collateral damage.

I know deep down in my heart, even after all the hurt that I caused, that I loved S. and it was the only thing I held on to while I was confronting my demons in the last three years. I did want her but how after all of this could she love me again? I know I was truly sorry for all that I had done but how could I prove it, the fact that my track record did not prove this out was an obstacle that I felt could not be overcome. I first tried to do it out of myself, to really try to prove to her that I could be trustworthy and to prove my love. I had to know love, to feel love and to truly share love and I had to first start with myself. It was only at the beginning of 2006 that I truly surrendered myself to God and that wall I had built up to protect myself from being vulnerable began to tear down. I gave myself to God and I opened up to S. in a way that I had not done in my life. By doing so that spark and warmth I felt in my heart grew. Yet, my expectations and wants for my wife were unrealistic in the sense that I wanted her and loved her and, in a way, wanted to show her all of this and wipe away what I had done. S, needed to heal to really trust again, I understood that I was not the model of respect nor did I have trust down to a science. I really trusted God on this and listened to S. and really understood, whereas before I would not and could not. Once upon a time, we were so in sync with each other and then it was lost, now S. is getting to know a new man, and I a new woman.

I know how devastating what I did was and I do take responsibility for it, for a long time I felt sorry for myself and was always telling S. sorry. It did not change the fact that I committed adultery or that I hurt her in ways that I still am finding out from her. I do regret it but somehow I know that God is making a miracle out of the two of us, I know that our story is important and that our love is rising out of the ashes. I know in the deep core of my being that I love my wife, S. is not the enemy but a part of me and I love her. There is a lot of growing to go and every day is a new experience, a new exploration of our love. I know S. makes me feel again and I know God is building her up and creating in her a new love for that man of God he is creating. A lot of pain, suffering and torture occurred, all by my hands and yet somehow I know God would have it no other way in bringing his children together. One thing I can tell you and S. could as well, is that all through this, even when I refused to hear God, one thing that came through clear was that he had joined us together and we could not separate ourselves except through him.