OBSERVATIONS ON BEING GAY

"PERCEPTIONS OF HOMOSEXUALITY "

I have written a lot about my struggle with gay feelings and this post is just some observations from my experiences talking and interacting with gay men in Trinidad and Tobago. I am not passing judgment but relating some troubling things that I have observed. I know that God does not make a person gay nor does he want a person to struggle with it as though he enjoys the suffering of the person he created. I know too that God loves us all and he is not condemning me, as so many people are quick to do. As He is love, it is this love that overwhelms and destroys not only the gay spirits but once we surrender to Him, he removes every part of those feelings from our lives. I know many are skeptical about this and for a long time I wondered if he really did take away these feelings since I struggled with it for a long time. I had grown to believe that it was my struggle and my cross to bear in life and it was my duty to resist the devil and, as they say, "he would flee from you". However, it does not work like that and the way God works is very different from how our logical brain thinks.

I know many like me would like these feelings to go right away but I found it is a process and God really dealt with me by peeling away layer by layer all that was built up over the years. By and By, as I am sure you have read, he got rid of one thing after the other. It was only then that I could really understand how it was he worked and you know something, it was the only way that these feelings could go. Nevertheless, at the time all I could think about was my selfish desire for it to go now, and like any child who could not see the results right away I threw a tantrum, blamed God and got angry with him. The result was that like any child I wanted to teach Him a lesson for not giving me what I wanted, when the way He dealt with it meant that I would have no lingering feelings. I took every which way of dealing with it except surrendering to God and He allowed me to do everything before He said, "Okay, now are you ready to try it my way?".

Currently people look for all the answers elsewhere and really forget that we have a great physician in God. We no longer want to believe that God can do it; then there are those who want a quick fix and if it is too long in coming, we tend to give up and look for another cure or physical person to help us. The quick fix or immediate cure is what we want and we would sell our soul to the highest bidder to get it. Also when it takes too long we tend to generally move towards accepting it and then embrace it as normal, even saying that this is how it should be when it is not. We tend to silence, even kill that quiet voice inside of us that is saying, no, hold up, this it is not normal and we should not accept it. I can write this since I have gone through all these stages in my search for a way out.

Now, for a long time I could not accept that homosexuality was a spirit/ demon. I believed that it was just a temptation that you accepted and gave into, I for one never heard anyone especially Christian people ever mention that it could be demonic or that it could be that a person really listened to a spirit and accepted it. I did a lot of reading about being gay and all I read was that it was a vice or a biological/genetic anomaly. Yet, I always felt growing up that it had to be more than that, God did not make mistakes and to think that would mean that God was not all powerful and infallible. I know that he is a great God and that my anger and frustration at him was more out of him not taking it away than thinking he could not. I had read the Bible over and over especially about the destruction of Sodom and I just could not believe that it was just about homosexuality that he destroyed the city for. It was not until I really began to surrender to God that my eyes were opened to the fact that being gay is just a symptom of a deeper spiritual problem and that it is giving yourself over to evil and truly turning your back on God that really leads you to hell.

A lot of people would not even know when a Spirit is influencing them far less believe that demons exist, but the same way there are angels there are demons. Also this is not a physical war we are fighting but a spiritual one and every means necessary is being used, so why not a corrupting spirit, one that twists what God has created and gets a person to believe that he is really gay and interested in the same sex? But, let's go one step further, the person has to convince himself that it is from him and in him that these feelings are happening, he must get confused and think logically that this is normal that God must have made you that way. This grand design results in a person first resisting then giving in to the voice he/she thinks is their logical brain thinking. Once hooked and the decision is made to go ahead and try it you then convince yourself that this is what you want even though your whole being is crying out for you to stop. Like me. I resisted and then was weak enough to give in to that voice that said go ahead, test God, get him angry with you, dare him to fix it or stop you, which I did.

That was the day I really accepted that Spirit in and from that day my personality changed. The change was very noticeable to my wife since the lovable man she knew became cold and dark. I became an abusive and depressive person, one who was selfish and did not care for others. I noticed it myself and could not understand for the life of me when I became so uncaring and hurtful. Being selfish, to me saying I wanted everything and people must understand the suffering I am going through, that I should be allowed to go out and experiment, that my wife should put aside her feelings for me and that everyone should hear me, I accept the new me, like it or not. I wanted people to approve of what I was doing and looked to those who would agree while I blocked out those who showed concern or told me how destructive it was. I can write this now because I saw what I was becoming and all the time the true Daniel way slowly disappearing and what remained was a manipulative, self-seeking and dangerous person. The acceptance of my generational spirits, ones placed there in my life as a sacrifice for a family bent on power and wealth, was supposed to kill me in the end. But, my example is one way a spirit may affect the picture. I have come to realize that these spirits were sent to attach themselves to the most spiritually gifted, most talented people who had a lot to offer once they gave their lives to God, but then that was the devil's mission, to convince the world that homosexuality was a normal part of life and that people should curse God for making them feel conflicted.

Since I have been free of these spirits I have been trying to piece together a lot of what I have done and said and if it were not for God and my wife telling me, I would not believe that I had done such nasty things. In fact, I at one point came close to totally turning my back on God and being lost. Now these are some observations I saw in myself, but I have noticed some other things about homosexuality that I want to mention.

Now, while I was online chatting with gay men in Trinidad and Tobago there were many troubling things that played on my mind. There were many guys including myself who lied about who they were and I wondered how you could really start a relationship with anyone when it is based upon deception. This deception went way beyond the meeting point and I could not see how this could be good. Many guys who were chatting were not looking for a relationship but what they call "sex buddies" many of whom were happy just to have sex and move on to the next guy. There were no strings attached and no connections, it felt so inhuman and emotionless, unreal and scary. I wondered how anyone could be so cold and what about the dangers of STD's or AIDS. Then there were those who just wanted a notch on their belt, who believed in domination and control. These did not care about the feelings of others but wanted to hurt others in sex for physical and I suppose emotional satisfaction. It was scary what I was finding out and a world I really did not fit into, except that my new personality and the way I was becoming really did.

There were many men who liked to rope in guys and then use them to get money, or if they could blackmail them, into giving them things. Some guys, I was told, were dangerous. As for those who were emotionally involved, in that they were looking for that soul mate or long term relationship, well, in all the cases they spoke about how betrayed they were by guys who used them and moved on. I chatted with many of these guys who would give up all control of their lives to find that one person and in doing so opened themselves to being abused. The result was that they were emotionally scared and became reclusive and even suicidal. In some cases they became so obsessed that they stalked the person who broke up with them. This is what I observed and it was something not very positive or good. Yes, there might have been some nice people but overall looking back at this I saw nothing good about it and I should know since I was in the midst of it.