TO BE GAY (PART 1)

"GAY DESIRES"

I have been thinking long and hard about this post and I am really depending on God to carry me, Daniel Gethyn through to the end with this one. The reason being that a lot of pain and emotional hurt bubbles up to the forefront of my memories, especially since it has hurt the one I love the most, my wife S. I know I was gay and as I noted in a previous post came to terms with it and accepted that I was since 14 years of age. For a long time I did not want to admit and accept it, because I felt that to do so would entrench me into a category and a sexual orientation that I would not be able to escape from. I know this is not true and I am living proof that a person can overcome being gay, not by oneself but with the help of God. I also know there are many skeptics out there and many will try to say that, "it's in my head", "you can't escape it", "it's biological" and that "I was never gay in the first place" and a host of other explanations for why I was not, even the one that it "was vice and you just wanted to try something new", but my experience was real and what I write below is my experience of being gay.

One point I should clarify is that I believe and know from experience that Homosexuality is a spirit and it does affect people, I know since four particular gay spirits, each having a name, influenced my life. Yep, and now people will say I am mad, out of touch with reality and suffering with multiple personalities. The fact remains I am not here to defend myself but to relate my story and how with God's help I was able to overcome being gay.

O.K. now that that is out of the way, let's start. In a previous post I spoke about my gay feelings up to the point where my wife and I were about to get married and I touched upon the subject in my relationship with God. Here I want to proceed with my experiences from that point and relate to you each aspect of my life. The next question is where to start, I think it best to say that after I got married I did not have much of a struggle with gay feelings for about 2 to 3 years. I was very happy with knowing that my wife could satisfy me and I her, my full attention was on making my marriage work and spending time with my new wife. As I said, I always wanted to have a wonderful wife and a beautiful happy family and this was the start of a wonderful dream I had. S. was the best of the best and I found her beautiful, exciting, intelligent and fun. I did not worry about my attraction to guys because S. filled up all my mind and needs. Experiencing lovemaking was out of this world since I had waited until I got married to explore sex and it was a wonderful experience. I however, did fear that the gay feelings would rase its ugly head and mess up what I had and this made me feel at time insecure as I wondered if I would lose sexual desire for S. or worse when I least expected it, I would be totally swamped by gay attractions and desires that I would no longer be attracted to S.

Life was good for a while. Like all couples, we had our ups and downs in the first few years but what made it worse was the fact that both of us did not have any positive support from our respective families. We went through hell with them, and this is putting it very mildly. I settled down to enjoy my wife and start a family something I had always dreamed of and wished for but thought was a distant untouchable desire. Now, I know I did not rush into marriage nor did I marry S. to hide the fact that I was struggling with gay feelings. As noted in many other posts of mine there were many deep-seated issues I was not dealing with including trust issues and I did not communicate, as I should have to my wife. In so doing, I broke one of the first vows I had made to be honest and it was devastating to S. I felt responsible for being head of the household which I always grew up believing a man should be and added to this our financial situation when we got married was not the best and I was taking it on to such levels that I worried morning, noon and night about it. As noted I also was not putting my faith in God's hands, trying to take on all the responsibilities on my shoulder without involving my wife in anything.

Ideas of escape from my life started to pop into my head but I felt guilty about it and suppressed these thoughts. Things changed when our first son was born and I was really happy and looked forward to our family and really making it. It was just when I had begun to believe that everything was all right with me that I began to have dreams of being attracted to men and having sex with them. When I awoke from these dreams, I use to believe that it was the devil tempting me to see if I would give in, but I just prayed about it and left it in God's hands, never really dealing with it or talking to S. about it. These dreams began to become more regular leading to "wet dreams" which lead to me secretly going and cleaning myself and not saying anything. I felt really guilty for not being able to stop myself from having these dreams and I did not understand why after I placed the problem in God's hands that I was still being tormented by this.

I know I began to withdraw and got very depressed about it and still I would not say anything. Sometimes I would tell S. about one of the dreams and say it was probably the devil testing my faith but that was all. I know this was becoming a problem and in my frustration I lashed out at S. so much we had major fights. I felt dirty at times and this got worse as the feelings for men got stronger. When I watched a movie or a show where a man was naked or had his shirt off I would get very aroused, to the point that I would have to hide an erection, this occurred when I watched “Queer As Folk”. I felt something had to be very wrong with me since I was attracted and wanted my wife and at the same time wanted a man. I was so confused since I know I was not attracted to any other woman and did not want anyone else, yet I was being pulled in a direction that led down to a deep dark place. I cried out to God so many times about it and at the same time, I hid all this from S. hoping beyond hope I could still suppress and that one day it would go away. It did not and instead when I went out and a good-looking guy walked by I would check him out feeling all these physical attractions towards the guy. Sometimes this occurred when S. was with me and I really began to not only feel guilty but also dirty, to me it said that I was straying and committing adultery in my mind. I would begin to fantasize about men and being with them sexually, I desired to have anal sex and to give a guy a "blowjob". I wondered what it would be like to kiss a guy and to sleep with a man, and the more I suppressed this the more it would come to the forefront of my mind.

The result was I pulled away from my wife, not because I did not desire her because I was attracted to her and could have sexual intercourse without a problem but because I felt that all this was contaminating her in some way. I did not want to corrupt her because I had placed her on a pedestal, but in doing so I had made her in my mind such a untouchable subject that I was never worthy of her. I began to belittle myself, putting myself down for everything I did, this reached proportions that S. noted that I was abusing myself. Nevertheless, I actually seemed to think that if I made myself not worthy it justified my actions and feelings. I began to become so angry with myself for not resisting the temptations and I got angry at God for not taking it away, for so long I had kept it in check, I never allowed my desires to bear fruit and I really felt it was unfair since it was affecting my happiness.

Many selfish thoughts were running through my mind and I was starting to believe that I was fighting against myself and my nature. I really wondered if this was not my destiny and I should just give in since I was probably going to hell anyway. Then in 2002, I got a chance to study for 6 weeks in the United States, this offer was a scholarship and it meant I would be away from my wife who was pregnant with our second child. I really began to be selfish and give in to all those inner demons, which prodded me to think of myself and to look after number one. I began to feel numb and really hate myself and in doing so, I began to hate everything that was good around me. I wanted to push my wife away because I wanted her to leave me, I was no good to her or myself and I really thought she could do better. While away I felt liberated and free, independent and bold but not in a good way. I saw a lot of gay couples in Washington and in other parts of the United States and I really began to convince myself that it was a natural thing to be gay, maybe it was really biological. I snapped inside, I was angry with God and myself, my wife for marrying me, with the world, my parents, I wanted to be selfish for a change and I wanted to experience a sexual relationship with a man. I made up my mind that when I was back in Trinidad I would actively but secretly pursue a gay relationship and also keep my wife. I felt that I would just experience one relationship with a guy and then I could devote myself to my family, maybe then all these feelings would go away.

There was that inner voice that was crying out for me to really think about what I was doing, yes I felt guilty about it and yes I hated myself for even thinking it, but I felt I was already on a destructive path and I had to carry it out to the end. I knew deep down inside that this was unnatural, that this was not the true me, I felt like if I was being squeezed out of my body and this dominating other side of me was taking over. Once I accepted this new path I began to die inside, I felt as though a dark cloud was enveloping my heart getting rid of my love for God, my wife and everything I held as good. Yet I made the decision, I chose to do this act and I took responsibility for all my mistakes, betrayals and sufferings I caused.

In the United States, I actively went on the internet because I learned that it was here you could secretly communicate with gay men. I checked out a number of gay personal pages but never joined any. When I came back home I had it in my mind to join a few of these web sites and just chat with guys. At this point I was still fighting myself and the gay feelings but I was giving into them, I no longer wanted to fight and yet I still did not really want to give God the control in my life to really get rid of it. I also did not speak to my wife about it and in so doing separated myself from my family and home. I told God that I was going to pursue this and if He wanted to stop me to do so. I also picked further fights with my wife trying my best to push her away and for her to leave me. I did not say anything and instead got more bitter, cold and resentful. I was always turning a fight against S. trying to make her the enemy and this was emotional abuse. Its really hard to admit that I was abusive and so spiteful to the one I loved, but in a sense I was also doing it to me. I began a cycle of self-destruction and I was spinning out of control. I know my wife saw a totally different person and she noted that she did not know where the man she married had gone.

The gay feelings got ever so stronger to the point that I felt pulled to act. I secretly joined such sites as Gaydar, Outpersonals, and Face-pic and posted profiles that of course were lies. In Trinidad, a person who is gay has to be careful since our society does not openly accept gays and there are many laws against homosexuality. So an underground had developed where the gay men work from these personal sites, it gives gay men and women independence and freedom to explore there sexuality and not be caught. I took advantage of this and contacted a lot of gay men in Trinidad; in fact, I was so surprised that there were so many gay men in Trinidad. I was excited and actively chatted and checked out a lot of guys. I felt also guilty and so much unhappiness about what I was doing yet I was also suppressing my conscience and not allowing that voice that said this was wrong out. I secretly went on at night and when S. was not looking and when I was finished I would wipe everything off the computer in the hope that no evidence would show, but I also knew that one day God was going to expose me because I also knew I belonged to him. Deep down inside I knew He would stop me and what I was doing was really testing Him, in fact, I was defying Him, lashing out because I wanted it gone on my terms without giving him control over my life.

Looking back at what I did I feel very ashamed of myself, especially knowing the pain I put S. through because I wanted my way. S. did nothing to deserve this and there was no time that S. ever contributed to the slide into hell. What I did was to drag her with me, something I wanted to protect her from but in doing so, I made things worse. By trying to protect S. I lied about everything and deception became the order of the day, what was worse was the feelings of remorse that I suppressed to make myself not feel. I became a cold fish and not even human. I watched a lot of gay porn sites and got very excited and aroused by the pics of naked men and men have sex. I would get so aroused that I went to the toilet where I would masturbate to calm down. After I had done this, I would feel so guilty and berate myself for being such a fool, coward and a bad person. I would tell myself that I could not help myself and this was better than going with a man, but the fact remained I was fooling myself and it was just one step further towards my exploration of homosexuality.

Chatting with gay guys became like a hobby and I began to pay so much attention to it that my wife noted that I was not even interested in her anymore; this would lead to me trying to convince her that everything was o.k. and it was just a new experience wanting to have male friends. The arguments got worse and I really detached myself from my family and home, I wanted to get away or escape, I wanted to do what I wanted and I did not care who I hurt, not even myself. A lot of our arguments would lead to me saying I should leave but I did not want to make the move because deep down inside I preferred that S. was the one to reject me. I felt if she hated me it would be easier for me to leave because I already felt so unworthy of her love. I did deep down inside want her and my family but it seemed that that dark cloud was smothering every little that was left of my love and caring.

Every minute of my being felt tortured by this dual feeling for men and women, I wanted my wife and I could not keep away even though I was separating myself, sexual intercourse with my wife was great and I never ever felt that I wanted her less. There were times that my pushing her away was due to my not wanting to hurt her or give her a disease but even so, my desire for her would lead to intimate moments. At the same time I was driven to have a encounter with a guy and I pursued it, after a lot of talking with guys I realized I was most attracted to White and East Indian guys. I really found then good looking and was really aroused by their bodies, face and personalities. I checked out a lot on the different sites and set up e-mail and messenger sites to contact and get to know them. Finally, I made the decision what took me over the edge, my decision to meet them and see where it would lead.