PAIN AND SUFFERING

"WHAT I DID TO MYSELF"

The title of this post is an odd one but I am only writing this because it came to me while I was in my yard today. I was remembering all the pain, physical and emotional I have felt in the last few years. It is hard enough to write about all the things that caused my wife to be hurt especially since I was the one that did it. What I felt I should write is the pain that was within me and which caused so much suffering. Nevertheless, one thing I must say, and that is, I am not writing a post about torture, or one to make people depressed. I feel it is necessary, in order for me to move on, to confront all those things that occurred that made me feel bad and even sick.

Now in so many posts I have spoken about the pain my mother inflicted upon me, how the licks she rained down on me I can still hear at times and feel. That pain has left marks and I still have an image of my mother turning into a monster and trying to eat me raw. I still have physical marks from her, especially from her hands, which picked up anything in its path to make contact with my skin. However, what is worse is the emotional and psychological pain and damage she did to me. The number of horrible words that spewed out her mouth and how retarding they were on my development. The number of times she would literally say that I was good for nothing, a waste and even worse - that I should not have been born - are things that people go to shrinks for. I still remember her telling me I was her punching bag and she did this with so much pleasure that it seemed so unnatural and perverse. Then there was the pain of not knowing if she loved me or, for that matter, if any family member loved me.

I began to build a wall against pain and suffering, to become numb to it. I remember being the outsider in school and not having too many friends because I did not want them in my life - children could be cruel and the people I grew up with were. I always felt and still do that I did not belong to this generation, that I spoke about things, interests and feelings that no one else spoke about. Then I felt as though I did not belong, that I needed to leave this planet, that no one would or could understand me. I once loved a lot and expressed my feelings a lot but when family and friends make fun of you for this you learn to become hard and lose focus on what love was and is. These are the pains I grew up with and they were compounded by my father not being there and a brother who loved ridiculing me and finding me strange.

Betraying oneself is the worst thing and abusing oneself is loathsome. I did this to myself so many times and continued to do it after I got married. Putting myself down to make myself feel better was a way of life and it really made my life miserable. Pain and suffering came with my gay feelings and suppressing it made them worse. I know I never wanted to accept it and I know for me it was something that had to be expelled, not embraced. The hiding and the searching for answers were suffering enough but when I broke my marital vows and experienced gay sex, the result was even more pain. I betrayed the one I loved and in so doing destroyed many things that S. had dreamed and thought about. It really was killing her, what I was doing, and looking back at it now, I still see the pain on her face and the history that has been left behind by it. There is nothing good about it and I will never be proud of it. In fact, it still pains me in that I cringe when I think of what I did. I would also add here that anal sex and everything to do with sex between men is painful and really not good, for me that is.

Then there is the physical side to this as well as the spiritual. The more I hid the fact that I was gay and the secrecy of not ever wanting anyone to find out began to build in myself and I was suffering on the inside. This translated into stress and this began to physically affect me. I began to get headaches and acid reflux, I put on weight fast and lost it fast and the result was that I got sick all the time as my body could not take the stress. I added to the problem by committing adultery and the combination of hiding both my sexuality and my affair was too much for my body. One night I had an anxiety attack, which nearly became a heart attack and I was rushed to the hospital. Nevertheless, I still continued to hurt myself by ignoring the doctor and I added eating badly to the list.

I also had a new problem, my body was not getting rid of protein fast enough and it was settling in my kidneys. It resulted in kidney stones, which hurt me for long periods and when I passed them caused considerable pain. This pain is considered by many to be worse than a woman giving birth. I probably passed a stone at least once a year, but the pain that I got cannot be compared, I believe that this is as a result of stress, so the tests suggest.

So here I am relating about pain and I am sure there are many other people who could write about pain, whose stories are much worse. Pain also is what I was dishing out to my children, my wife and even my dogs; in my frustration and anger I took it out on them, in my distancing myself from God - I know was grieving Him and I know it spiritually disconnected me from his love for a while. I know the devil wanted me to feel pain and he inflicted it on me because I allowed him to, too. I know he had a good laugh at my expense and I do feel ashamed for my actions. I also believe that all my sickness is, in one way or the other, the result of evil and I know the devil would love to take me out of the picture to torment my soul in hell.

The thing is I could go on all night about pain and how unhappy I was and how unhappy I made people feel around me, but I have said a lot already. I know that I am no longer unhappy and I do feel contented, I am much healthier than I used to be because I no longer have that stress that hangs over me. In releasing my mother and dealing with being gay God has really healed me. I know there will probably be painful things in my future but that pales in comparison to what my wife and I have gone through . So out of pain comes health and we do have to remember we have the greatest physician in God and his son, Jesus Christ. I know now that I do not belong to this world but then I am here so I have to make the best of it and of what God wants me to do. I can no longer focus on the negative but what is good and right, which means what God wants, which is always the best for me.