4 DAYS BEFORE HOLIDAYS

FREEDOM, FREEDOM, FREEDOM

O.K so I have not posted in a while and this is because I want to take some time in my holiday period to really think about what I am writing before I do so. As it is my job tends to be a bit stressful and getting away from it all ensures that I don't become so moody and irritable that my family thinks that I am a old man. Anyway I have been writing for a while and pouring out my most inner feelings and thoughts, that I needed to reflect and ponder what I am about to write next.

I did however start a post on my experience being gay which is going to be long. I probably will break it up into a 2 part post, as I don't want to leave anything out. I also want to discuss my relationship with S. during the period of my affairs and discuss the betrayal, hurts, pains and experience that we came out from. I know it will be difficult since looking back at it I was a real monster, a selfish kid, who just wanted his own way and did not care. Honestly this is the second time I am writing this, last night I had written about the same thing and then my computer just froze on me, I did not even get to save it.

Two revelations occurred in the last few days that really make me know that I am a new man. Since I was a child every time I tried to show love and express it in an emotional loving way my mother and those I trusted would shoot me down. In each case I built up a wall against love and I just suppressed my feelings, so much so that I began not to feel. The outward person would play a game, a facade to others and inside I felt cold. The only time I truly felt anything was when I took up a hobby like stamps, cooking or history. People were to difficult to deal with and I stopped trying to love people. Since January however I have begun to slowly feel again and this is because I really stopped trying to protect myself from the world and placed my trust in God. My trust in Him has really broken that wall I have built which prevented me from having a truly great relationship with God, my wife and my children. It was this weekend when I was with my wife that deep feelings of love and devotion bubbled up from deep inside, feelings I did not feel since I was a happy child playing, knowing that there was nothing that can hurt me. I believe it has a lot to do with trust issues and trusting once again had been a revelation. I could tell my wife that she makes me feel again and I know it's so real.

The second came from reading a blog post today, last night I was thinking about my life and the gay feelings I had. There were so many times that the feelings for men were so intense that it was debilitating, especially since I forced myself to not indulge those feelings. But then there were long periods when I did not have any feelings for guys and during these periods I felt almost normal, sane and free. Now, the post I read today is from a married woman whose husband is gay and in her post she talks about the "Roller-Coaster" ride that she has been through with her husband. I thought that that was so true with me, especially with what I stated. I also could just feel what my wife would have felt with not knowing what side I would really decide I belonged to, gay or straight. The thing about it is, now that it is over and I can look at it objectively a Roller-Coaster ride it truly was.

Another point she noted was all the comments people told her about her husband and the unsolicited advice they gave, but what struck me most was the last peace given by a friends and family of gays and lesbians individual, that your experience and how you deal with it may be contrary and outright against what people say and think but it has to be your decision, your experience and one you know will lead to a happier and more stable situation. Well , this is what I got out of the post and it struck me that the way God brought my wife and me out of this turmoil is one which no one I know would agree with, far less support. I know that it was painful and even brought us to the brink of oblivion but who knew it would result in my wife and me feeling for each other again.

These revelations really made an impression on me today and I look to the future with a whole different perspective. The picture I post here is one I got off the internet and represents the artistic work of one of our nation's most famous painters, Cazabon.