TO BE GAY (PART 2)

"DESTRUCTIVE PATH"

The path Daniel Gethyn took from the time he made that final decision to have a sexual encounter, I know was a path that would lead to the unraveling of his life, as I knew it. I had reached a point where my mind would and could not work out how to deal with my gay feelings, I still refused to ask for help from my wife and now I just wanted to be alone, to no longer care, feel guilty or remorse for things and thoughts I suppressed from 14 years old. I really decided that I would lose everything and pursue this because I could not take it any more. I wanted to do what I wanted and if God wanted me, He would have to do an intervention. I felt as though something was missing inside; that a part of me was missing and I needed to find it. My gay side I felt was not being met and maybe this was what needed fulfillment. I was not happy with my life and I was very depressed especially since I should have been happy with my wife and kids. Instead, I wanted to run away, to be left alone and to not see the faces I loved being hurt by me. The more I betrayed S. and my children the more I died inside, I suppressed the remorse and tried my best not to feel. Yet, I knew S. loved me so much and was putting up with so much indignity and abuse from me. How much I wanted to repair the damage but could not, how much I wanted to die and find her a really good man who could take care of her properly. I was actually killing all trust between us and the lies destroyed all that my marriage stood for.

I meet a guy called S. S. who lived in North Trinidad, who, I decided to meet; he was an attractive guy who I was interested in. I met him twice, telling my wife I had work related business to see about. I decided I would try out my desires on him if he asked. S. S. wanted us to show each other our dicks and compare how large they were, I found it odd and later found out he was into voyeurism. It was my first time exposing myself to a guy, especially since the only person I said I would do this with was my wife. I was very uncomfortable and could not even get an erection, when he asked me if I wanted to give him a blowjob I complied because I fantasized about this. I always wondered what a penis would feel like in my mouth and the though of it aroused me, so when I put it in my mouth and sucked I was surprised, because I did not find it very stimulating. In fact I was wondering when I would start enjoying it, in the end we were interrupted and I left. The feelings I got after ranged from confusion to remorse. I felt dirty and also sickened by my slutty behaviour, I had never been so bold in sex before and I did not know if I liked this new me at all. I hoped that the next experience would be better but deep down inside this was not making me feel happy, in fact, I tried my best to suppress all thoughts that said that this was not satisfying.

The guy S. S. did not want to meet me again and I went back on the internet and contacted and met about 3 other guys, yet in each case I was not interested or what they were looking for was not what I was looking for. I had lied on my profiles about my name and age, because in Trinidad, giving out your true identity would lead to you being blackmailed or worse losing your job; lying and deception was the name of the game. There were some who were out but when you heard what kind of horror stories they went through you preferred to be in the closet. In fact I was very fearful of my family and work finding out, so much so that I tried as best as possible to keep my identity secret. However, as I got more and more involved in the Gay world I threw caution to the wind and gave out my name and my picture to a few people. I gave my wife so many excuses and I know S. was wondering what was going on with me. I did worry about getting AIDS or some form of STD and I did not want to make love to my wife fearing she might contract it from me. I tried as much as possible to be careful but after the experience with the guy called S. S. I was worried all the time, but did I stop, the answer was no.

My strained relationship with my wife got worse and I did not even want to pray or do the shared responsibilities, more and more S. had become both father and mother to our children and even head of the household. I did nothing in the house but go out and spend my time on the internet, in fact, what I was becoming was an abusive bum taking advantage of my wife's love and devotion. I know from all the fights with S. that I was really hurting her and I was not making it any better. I was killing her slowly and I also know she cried a lot about it and yet I continued feeling pushed to see this out to the end. One way or the other I was going to be done for, death and hell. Then I met a guy called D., he was 10 years younger than me and as I got to know him, I felt we had a lot in common. D. was into having a lot of conversations and I liked his personality, I did lie to him about my not being married or having children because I decided after chatting with him over the internet that I would like to have a relationship with him.

I met him a few times in the mall close to me and after hitting it off, he told me he would not mind getting together with me. I began to compare him to my wife and I really deluded myself into thinking that they were both alike. In fact, I was starting to wonder if I was now complete, that I had my wife the female part I was comfortable with and wanted and this guy D., which completed my desire for a guy. I met and finally told him that I was married and I thought well that was it because he told me he did not want to be with a married guy. That night I really decided that I would stop and not proceed with this anymore because it really was destroying me inside and my wife. Trying to be with a guy was harder than dating a girl, more dramatic, deceptive, emotional and painful. Then D. contacted me and said he was still interested and let's make a go at it, I asked him if he was sure and he said yes. I felt happy and sad at the same time, I was pursuing this, which seemed to make me happy but deep down inside I was not.

D. and I went out on a few dates and to cover myself I told my wife that he and I were good friends and that it was about time I had male friends. I even turned it round on her and told her she was not being fair to me and she was not giving me my space. This was really not fair since S. was always tied to the house and I really did not take her anywhere anymore. When I left home in the night, my children would ask my wife if I was ever coming home. They sensed something was very wrong. In fact looking back now I can see how my selfish pursuit of a gay relationship was having a devastating effect on my two boys, they became very insecure and I caused a wedge between myself and them when it came to having a relationship. In addition, the many fights they witnessed really affected them and my not wanting to listen or hear them caused them to seek S. out instead of me. I would discuss all my frustrations to D. and I really demonized my wife trying to make myself find ways to hate her so I could push her even further away. I really know now that I wanted to push myself away in the process and in doing so, I isolated myself and her from me.

It was on my third date with D. that we kissed and it was actually not too bad, however I did compare it with my wife and found our kissing far superior that with D. D. would ask me every time if it was good and I would say yes but there was something missing and I really did not feel comfortable about what I was doing. I convinced myself that it would get better, that I had waited so long that it had to get better. I found myself with D. in his room and we took our clothes off and touched each other, felt each other and kissed each other but we never had sex. The feeling was good and I did like the physical pleasure it brought, I always wanted to know what it was like to sleep alongside a guy, to feel his chest and his crotch on me and even though it felt good, I found I again compared it with my wife. I did feel far more contented with her than what I was doing with D., but again this was a guy and I felt that it would feel different. I know that D. sensed something because he was always asking me if he was good and what was worrying me. I covered it up by saying I had a lot on my mind and that I was worried about my wife catching me and what she would do. D. and I had a lot of conversations and this was fun and I really felt that things were o.k., for the first time in my life, but yet again how could it be, having to deal with balancing a marriage and an adulterous affair.

I remember asking my wife if it were possible to love a man and a woman in the same way, I knew the answer would be no and deep down inside I knew it was not natural. I was slowly losing all sense of reality and my spiritual connection was lost at these moments, in fact, I was becoming very debased and illogical. Inside my heart was still aching and I could not understand why, I did everything to suppress my pains and concentrate on how much pleasure I was getting from a guy. I would admit making love to S. was different as my focus was elsewhere and I really felt like I was corrupting her. Yet when I did make love I was in the moment and I did not ever thing that I would prefer a man. However, there were times when I was with D. that I had to close my eyes and imagine I was with my wife. Then the night came when D. and I decided we would have anal sex, I bought the condoms and the lubricant and after we went out he carried me to his room. We took off our clothes and he put the condom on and he lubricated my bottom, then as he was sitting I got on top of him and he tried to penetrate me. The experience was painful and it was not going anywhere, in fact, he tried a number of times and in every case, he got nowhere as it was painful for me and I really made my case about the sickening feeling I was getting . We finally stopped, he never really penetrated and he said we would try another time, we ended up masturbating each other and I went home very unhappy about the whole thing. I actually sensed that this would happen and the masturbation was no better that when I went to the bathroom to do it myself. In fact, I really could say that sexual relations were so more natural with my wife and certainly not painful. I sat down wondering what the hell I was doing and when would this stop. From here, a lot of things changed, as I was desperate to prove to myself that choosing to follow up on my gay feelings was worth it and also begging God to stop me. I actually wanted S to catch me at this point and I began to get sloppy in hiding things. There were many times she would ask me if anything was going on between D. and I and I would lie and say nothing was happening. I know too, that S. was giving me the opportunity to tell her but I kept closing doors in her face since I knew it would be a painful truth I was telling her and I still wanted to protect her from the devil I had become.

The relationship with D. began to change since I found he kept talking about other things including his studies more that he talked about us. I also talked more about my life and not us. I desperately tried to hold his interest having him masturbate me while driving or parking in dangerous places and again masturbating. However, I began to feel like a slut and I also felt I was making a fool of myself and totally humiliating my wife. I also felt D. was using me for rides and money. I even did the most disgusting thing by taking my wife to help me pick a gift of a teddy for D. In my obsessed mind, I wanted to bring the two halves together and having S. pick a gift for D. was like combining the two, also my wife’s likes and choices were the best and I superimposed those on what D. would like. In the end, I convinced myself that both had the same taste. This was utter nonsense when I look at it now and it was also an attempt to hold on to a dying relationship with D. Finally I got my wish, when S. could take it no longer, God took her to an email I had sent to D. which was very devastating since I talked about my wife in the most negative and hurtful way.

It was while at work I got the call I was waiting for and knew was coming, S. just asked literally how long was this going on for and like all husbands who are caught in an affair I lied and told her it was not what it looked like and nothing was going on. I remember leaving work and heading home panicking and wondering what to do and what to say. There was nothing I could do but lie or tell the truth and yet I still wanted to lie to keep S. from fully knowing what I had done and getting hurt. However, when I got home S. was so angry but calm and I knew God was also guiding her, she was hurt and like anyone who has been betrayed they lashed out. I tried to lie and say it was not bad and I did not have sex, very stupid I know since adultery is adultery. I know I did not want to leave but I asked S. anyway, I remember everything, S. poured out all that she felt and how could I do this to her. I really felt like the devil and knew that I had destroyed the one thing I loved. S. said that if I wanted my marriage and her I had to get over my cowardly behaviour and tell my mother what I had done. Now I had feared this all along, that is, anyone knowing about me, but I knew I loved S. and I would do anything to save my marriage. So I did something S. told me later she thought I would never do and I called my mother and told her. What surprised me was how my mother wanted to know if I loved the guy and not how S. was doing. S. had called D. and spoken to him about the affair and asked him if he knew what he was doing. Now I had lied to D. and told him that I did not have children and I was again bold when S. suggested to me that if I were really serious about us I would really end the affair with D. This I did willingly since I wanted my marriage and S. It is very interesting to note that before I would have done anything to be with D. but when it came down to the crunch I knew where I belonged and that deep down inside I wanted out of the mess, all I needed was ultimatums, but then why did it have to come to this, why did I have to be forced to do the right thing. Also, in one phone call from my wife, all my gay feelings left me as though they were never there.

Now, I want to take some time in another post to talk about my adultery so what I write here is about my gay feelings and experience. At this point S. and I sat down and I talked, S. wanted to know what was it that led me to this and I really could not answer since I was at a loss. I was also deep in remorse and feeling very sorry for myself. I could not answer a lot of questions and added to which I did not want to since I felt I had to protect S. from the truth. The only thing was that God was in the picture and He really showed her in many different ways what I had done, so in the long run I just said yes to everything. A few nights later, I was really feeling hopeless and wanted out, I called S. and we talked all night, in the process and a lot of crying I felt a lot of resistance and my inner self fighting against what I really wanted to do, that was to be honest. I really began to pray about it, renouncing my gay desires and all that I was. I felt a weight lift off of me and I actually could for the first time in years feel free. At that moment, I just knew that a gay spirit had been influencing me and slowly taking over, but I also knew he had a willing partner in me. I could now explain that suppression of my real me, the way S. looked at me and said that it was not her husband, the childlike immature individual and the hurtful person I had become. There were many days that I could not explain my actions far less what I did and there were many questions I could not answer because for the life of me I did not know why I did it. But from what I have said so far you can see in so many ways the person I had become was so unnatural, unreal and not very nice. It was a person I did not like but felt controlled by. The only individual that could help and did to get rid of this spirit was God. The Spirit even had a name, which was “Hector” and this spirit was a domineering, controlling and fornicating being that was just out to hurt and cause destruction through me. It explained why there were long periods of time when I did not feel gay feelings and when I did. I understood that that spirit was there for a long time and it also explained why it was that in every generation in my family there was that one person usually the most gifted and intelligent who became gay. I recognized it as a generational spirit one passed down to the next generation. It was after really renouncing it and crying out to God that I felt free from gay feelings.

I made a promise to S. that I would tell her if it came back and I would be honest with her from now on. I did feel that I was free and that I could devote all of myself to S., I came off of all the gay personal site and S. and I told every one we knew so that the devil could not use the fear of people finding out. Many people were supportive or just could not believe that S. would stay with me and many secretly were happy that I had hurt S. In fact, I look back now and really recognize the many family members and friends who were angry and even jealous that S. and I wanted to work it out. Today they no longer speak to us and we are very happy for it. I was happy to be once again free to love S. and also to try to repair all the hurts, betrayal and mistrust I had caused. I knew also I was that Prodigal Son come back home and that God had forgiven me. I knew also it would take S. a long time to even share with me far less trust me, I knew it would be a long uphill battle to win her back. One thing I did know was I loved her and the children and I would do anything to save us, I also knew that she was the only one for me and we were really meant to be together. I remember S. asking me about this and it was the one thing I was sure about. Yet even though I was assuring S. of the fact that all my gay feelings had gone deep down inside I was still not to sure, I kept wondering if it could come back and I was really scared of allowing a spirit in and becoming a monster again. Nevertheless, I ignored this and I even did a blood test to make sure I did not contract an STD, it came back negative to the relief of S. and me.

For a full year everything seemed o.k., there were many obstacles to overcome but with God we were getting by. However, I still wanted to deal with things on my own and be the hero and man S. would be proud of. I had destroyed the image of an honest good husband and betrayed all positive things about me that she had though I was capable of. I refused to allow myself to truly surrender to God and here lay the doorway for the devil to enter. S. was quite aware that there was the possibility of me doing it again and it was S. who kept saying it could, but I refused to see it or recognize the signs. Then after a year of freedom from gay/straight conflict, I began to have erotic dreams about men. I did not know what to do since I had promised it would not come back, to tell S. now meant that I had lied or fooled her into believing I was free. I could not believe it was a spirit this time and I was really wondering if it could be truly biological, or was I fooling myself into believing I was really serving God. I made up my mind this time to have one sexual experience, one that would prove once and for all that I did not like it, that it was unnatural for me and that it was all in my head. I already knew I did not really enjoy it and I knew my wife satisfied me in so many ways that a man could not, but I had to know. I was really angry and felt God was playing with me or worse that I had given in a second time to the devil and I was damned. So many thoughts ran through my mind and I did not dare go to S. for fear that this time she would leave me for sure. I really misjudged her and it really said I did not trust her, how could I have a relationship with this wonderful woman if there was mistrust between us. I decided that once I had the sexual experience I would come home and be happy knowing I was right and I was not gay, that it was all in my head, I did not need to tell S. I said. Yet, somehow I was listening to a voice that was not mine one that was very deceptive but thought it was me and once again I accepted it and made some really terrible decisions, decisions I alone can take responsibility for. So, I went back on to the internet and joined a lot of personals, this was the second time I was committing adultery and again hurting my wife.