TO BE GAY (PART 3)

"EMBRACING MY VALLEY OF DARKNESS"

My story is nearly at an end but it is far from over. The last of this is Daniel Gethyn embracing his fears and hurts and becoming a man. I must say that for many including me facing your darkest fears is something that we would prefer to run from. However, taking them on with God is so much more of a relief and you become bold and fearless in the face of the adversary. I could not come out of this without God nor could S. and I be one again without Him. I am ever in debt to my wife for being so obedient to God and sticking by my side through all the hurt I put her through, I can never repay her in this life time but I could only be her true and honest mate.

When I went back on the internet for a second time, I was really devastated especially since I swore to myself I would never do this again. I wondered how many chances God gave a person and if I could be forgiven for this a second time. One thing I knew was I did not want a relationship because I had a great one with S. Therefore, I again joined Outpersonals, Face-Pic, Gaydar and some new ones like Metrodate and Adultfriendfinder. I first met a guy called S. C., who I hit it off with and he sounded very attractive. I was very deceptive and lied very good, I was able to convince him that I was interested in more than just a hok up and I talked about how much I wanted him even though at this point I was only thinking of having sex. It seemed so easy to play to peoples emotions and I had realized from early, including in me, that a lot of gay guys are desperate for the love and attention, to the point that they could be easily minipulated by other men. I had told S. C. about being married and having children and this was O.K. with him, but i started to recognise that he was a bit demanding and obsessive. Even before my wife caught me a second time I was getting warning signs that S. C. was a bit "Stalkish" and I was looking for ways to get out of the chating with him.

I had begun to approach being gay very differently than before, I was obsessed with how I looked and I kept trying to lose weight. My obsession with weight led to me losing it very fast and S. noticed it right off. I did not have to wait long before S. caught me, since this time I sent her an email from one I had set up for chatting with guys. I know deep down inside God had me make that mistake. I remember S. sitting me down in the Computer room and asking me about it and I as usual being a fool denying it when she had the evidence. S. was again betrayed and again I was lying and fooling her, she wanted me to explain the e-mails to this S. C., which I could not because I really had no feelings about it even though the words I used sounded so true and deep. I remember S. telling me I used such words on her in love letters, but one thing I knew was those were real words and I never lied about how much I loved her. When I told S. C. that i could not meet with him or have a relationship, one he desperately wanted and which I did not want to have, he got very upset. I do understand and it really looked like I was playing him, in the end I used the excuse that my wife would not let me go and I could not leave my children. I did make my wife look very bad as though she was unfair and would use blackmail to keep me trapped. This was unfair because it was really painting my wife in the eyes of other as a manipulating and conniving woman, which was not true and showed my disrespect for her. This was an issue that really hurt her in the e-mails she found and one which I know I used to get rid of this guy but did not mean, however, I was thinking only of myself and not the feelings or reputation of my wife who had done nothing. S. C. became very abusive after that tracking me down on different sites and e-mailing me and even calling me to get together with him, in each case I said no, and after a while he stopped. Honestly, I was not being nice to anyone and was very selfish.

This time around, S. could and did not want to hear me out and I could understand that. S. noted she would only wait on God to tell her what to do. I expected the worst and prepared myself for either a marriage where we only took care of our children or a divorce. I looked to the future and saw myself in a number of gay relationships ending up with me dying of AIDS or killing myself. I did not think I had a good future especially since I had rejected God and my marriage for a second time. However, S. wanted to know as well as I on which side of the fence I stood so instead of stopping what I was doing I continued. S. did not want to know and yet she did. I met two guys after that one called E. who wanted to masturbate the first time we meet and who had found out that my brother was going around telling people that I was gay. One thing I recognized was that a lot of the guys in Trinidad are into a lot of games and many of them are into dominating other guys and getting a notch on their belt. I really did not enjoy this act and I felt very used, for one thing, I never got an erection or was able to “come” as they say. I came home disappointed and yet happy that I felt nothing and I told S. about it. There were a lot of arguments and fights as I still wanted my own way and my selfish desires were ruling my head. I was not putting S. needs first or thinking about her, as I should. I could understand now when she said then that I did not love her or care to serve God.

These are really fighting words and I went out to prove that I am Gods and I would serve him fully, but I was a stubborn guy with a one track mind, I could only think of my desires and how I could fix things. I was again aroused by naked men and gay sex acts and I desired to become a dominated guy by some man. I was surprised at what I wanted in my profile I said I was versatile yet I wanted some guy to dominate me in sex. This was very new and I did not like how it felt since I was an independent person very self-assured and who took charge of things. However here I was wanting a man to be in control of me and I did not fight this new urge, I even liked my wife S. to dominate me which she did not marry me for. I allowed guys to tell me what my body should look like, down to even shaving myself because it would be attractive to a guy. My wife recently told me that seeing me do that killed any feelings she had left for me and that she thought that our relationship was at an end. A lot of things were playing out and I was starting to backtrack from wanting to experience a sexual encounter in case I liked it and decide to be gay.

I then met a guy on Face-Pic called S. T. who I struck up a conversation with, we spoke for a few weeks and he noted that he did not want a relationship but a good sex session. I meet him and he seemed cool enough, we showed each other our dicks and felt each other up, but then I felt odd about having sex with him right there in the car. I said goodnight and took my leave, we promised to meet again one night to have sex. In the mean time, I chatted with a lot of guys but I began to really lose interest. I know that it was really me who was being a coward and not going through with it, even when the S. guy called one night for us to meet I told him I was not interested. I even started to get off some of the sites I was on, but then my wife intervened and God used her to really show me how I was sabotaging myself and what God was asking me to do. I really wanted to be free of this once and for all and I contacted S. T. again and a week later he called and I meet him in a car park. I got into his car and we took off our clothes, now I did not feel good about having sex in a car since there have been many cases in this country of the police arresting and charging gay men for buggery. He felt me up and he then put on a condom and lubricated my bottom, he then entered me. I had told him about how it hurt the last time but either he forgot or he did not care because it began to hurt when he tried to penetrate me and when I told him, he tried harder. The pain was so intense that my stomach began to wrench and I wanted to vomit. I then told him to stop and he seemed not to want to, luckily, I was forceful on the issue and instead I gave him a blowjob. I always wanted to know what sperm tasted like and when he came in my mouth it tasted like raw egg, I began to heave and vomit and had to use tissue to put what I brought up in it. I came home knowing two things, one that the experience was horrible and that I was not made to be gay. The experience cured me of ever wanting to have sex with a guy far less give a guy a blowjob. In every way, my wife was far superior and better and I more than appreciate and respect that, it was just very sad that I had to find out by committing adultery twice.

I told my wife what happened and how I felt and that I was really over this because I was so disgusted at how I felt and what it felt like. S. and I really sat down and talked about our future, there were a lot of hurdles to over come and it would take a long time. Even so, I continued to block out what I did and not answer questions S. would ask. I would become defensive and tell her she should not bring up what I did since it was too painful. I really was belittling her feelings and by not discussing it made it seem trivial. After we prayed about it, I recognized once again that I had a second spirit attached to me and whose main goal was to make me into a dominated and used individual. Its mission like all spirits was to destroy my relationship with God and my wife. It too had a name, and called itself “Thaddeus”. Once it was expelled, I felt lighter and more confident than I ever was before, yet I as did S. knew that it might not be over. I still was hoping that it was but only time would tell, this was the second time I was being a prodigal son.

Within a year like clock work the feelings for men returned but this time it was just curious feelings to hug a guy and to touch his chest. I still dreamed abut giving a guy a blowjob and once or twice I had urges to give it to a guy instead of him giving it to me. For most of that year I struggled to serve God and rebuild a relationship with my wife because I just would not submit to his authority. Now my wife is a spiritual woman and does not make a move without God and within that year she grew to be so strong and independent in God that she did not even need me and rightly so. God gave me so many ultimatums through her and in each case I disobeyed or did my own thing. I was just rebellious and stubborn but once I was told that I could not serve him of my own free will something snapped. I had tried every which way to get rid of my gay feelings without God and in the last attempt had to really embrace my demons to put the issue to rest. This time I was not going to allow myself to sabotage myself, I truly submitted and began to open up to God and my wife. I told her how I was feeling that I was getting thoughts of men again but that this time they seemed controllable. S. and I knew God had brought it up to be dealt with, so I went back on to the internet, but this time I had God and my wife at my side.

Every decision I made was with God, I joined about 10 personal sites including some new ones like Guyparty and Adam4Adam, and as best as possible told the truth, I even put my picture. I got a lot of mail and chatted with a lot of people but there was no one I truly felt attracted to or thought I could be with. I had a lot of dreams of guys but I never got a wet dream or felt the need to masturbate except once. I met a few of the guys, I found them attractive and I chatted with them but I never felt aroused by them or the need to be with them. One guy called D. M. came close to being the perfect image of what I wanted in a guy but he became very needy and so passive that I felt that a person could take advantage of him. In the mean time my desire for my wife and my response to her was growing overshadowing any feelings I had for guys. It reached a point that while I was chatting with a guy I would be thinking of her and wanting her. I would fantasize about her and really look out for her at home. All of this occurred since January and I must say that I desire her more and more every day. I was getting very bored with checking out men and I actually felt the few sites I paid for were a waste of money. It was in April that I truly recognized that a naked guy or two men having sexual intercourse had no effect on me and of my own free will and of course checking with God and my wife I came off each in stages. God even gave me the opportunity to tell a lot of the guys I had met and been with over the last 3 years that I was truly over this, in this way I had closure.

Today I do not have to worry or fear that I would have gay feelings again, I know that I am not interested in men, good-looking or not. I am not aroused or have a curiosity for any thing sexual for a man. In a way what God had me do was far more successful in helping me over come my torture and suffering that I had since 14. There were two more spirits in my life one called Jerome and another Roussel both of whom were very ancient and were hand me downs from many generations ago. These Spirits were passed down as a sacrifice to the devil to keep the rest of the family prosperous while the person plagued with homosexual thoughts would suffer. Now, as I said many who read this would think well he has got to be mad and if I were of this world I would think so as well. People would scoff at what I have to say or just say it was all made up, but God is my judge and I know there are a lot of people out there who know it's true, but most of all my wife knows it's true and she is more important than what others think. Therefore, this is my story and my experience do with it what you want and think what you want to think, but just know that once Daniel Gethyn was gay.