WHO GAINS IN A MARRIAGE?

GAY HUSBAND OR STRAIGHT WIFE?

I have been reading a lot of blogs recently and I observed something that my wife and I talked about a few times in the last 3 years. A lot of people ask the question about who gains from a relationship and what does the other person get out of it. For a long time I used to think that once you got married there was a sharing of both people and it was give and take, but that's not what the world believes in when a couple gets married. This is especially so in a marriage where one of the spouses is gay. I know because for a long time while exploring my sexuality everything was about me, only me and nothing else but me.

A lot of women who have found out about their husbands have been so traumatized by the whole emotional rollercoaster ride that it leaves them numb and trying to recover. In fact I know their lives are never the same; in fact they can no longer go back to a restore point or a new point for that matter. When they seek advice there are so many people who want to give it without even trying to understand what is happening. I find it a bit sad that when wives want to stay in a marriage where the other person is gay they are ridiculed, worse, they are looked down upon. A lot of people try to dissuade them and when they can't they attack them. There is no respect for their choice and there is certainly no forthcoming advice, since they are shunned and cast out for not leaving.

Of late I have noticed that a lot of women who were once married to or still are married to a gay man are asking the question, why did they get married in the first place when they knew that they were gay? Now, this is a really good question and one that I would encourage. However, the answers that these women get really show how selfish people are. I know because when it was me I gave a bunch of answers which were really about me. Here is the list:

I wanted to get married.

I liked her and we communicated well.

She is the only one that made me feel like a real man.

She completed me.

I loved her.

She made me happy.

She was the only person I could see myself with.

These answers are good enough and I am not doubting that is what people felt, I know I did. The problem is that they are all selfish statements, its all about what that person could do for them and not what they brought to the marriage. The question that should be asked is what did the man bring to the woman? how did he complete her life? and what are you now doing to improve her life now that the situation is in the open.

I have noticed that a lot of gay husbands become very self absorbed, the focus is all about their needs and their wants. Their wife is second place even though they say she is first. I have also realized that the guy's obsession with his new found sexuality is so important that anything the wife does and says is a hindrance to him pursuing what he wants. This selfish attitude leads to him saying that she should understand his suffering and pain as though his pain is far worse and that her own is insignificant. It's as though these men lash out at the wife for marrying them, for not allowing them the freedom to abuse her, to put her love in a dusty cupboard.

I observed this because I behaved like this for a long time. It was only when I truly submitted to God and the scales were taken off my eyes that I really saw how immature and childish I was behaving, how much I was hurting the one who loved me unconditionally. So why did you get married and who gains and who loses?