MY TWO BOYS

GOD'S MOST SPECIAL GIFTS

So it's 2:31a.m. and my wife and I had a wonderful day at the beach with our two boys. I am looking at them now and I really smile to myself at how well they are growing up. I am so proud of them and in every way they are special. Now every parent would say that their children are special and they are proud but just thinking of how much they are gifts from God really makes you sit and ponder the scheme of things. I say this since I see two gifts given to my wife and me on loan; this loan is really delicate since we have been entrusted with a special job to raise these children and empower them with God's virtues and talents.

I grew up thinking that I would never be able to have children since I probably would not be able to function properly in a sexual way. I know, a very stupid thing to think but throw in the belief that I was probably gay and my fears were real. When I met my wife S. a lot of my fears went away since my attraction and desire for her was first of all real and a relief. I was so happy that I could have normal sexual relations with her, desire her and enjoy every bit of it. This was a gift in itself and I knew also that sexual intercourse was truly a gift. Many people like me grow up hearing that your first encounter with sex should be done within marriage because its a special thing that you share with some one. I obeyed this not really understanding the true meaning of it. I made a vow with God at 14 years old that I would wait till I was married to have sexual intercourse and even though there were many girlfriends and close encounters (down to my underwear in a car) I was able to hold out. Mind you many people just did not believe me when I said I was a virgin or they would say that I was gay, but I did wait.

Making love to S. was the greatest thing I have ever experienced one which can never be shared with anyone else and one which cannot compare to anything and anyone. I did fear that making love to a man would take away my desire for my wife and so all sorts of fears played in my mind, and even though I committed adultery with men, I never lost my desire for my wife. It did however make me feel a bit insecure about love making and I did want to stop making love with my wife in case I picked up a disease and to protect her from me. Yet, the more I stayed away from her the more I desired her and I could not during that time keep away. The fact remains that I loved making love to my wife and our love making, which has gotten better since then proved to me that there was nothing wrong with me.

There were times in my life that my mother really made me feel that sex was dirty since she would say horrible things like "men’s bodies are so disgusting" and "that thing between their leg is poison and should be cut off". It was these statements that really made me feel that I could never satisfy a woman, something my wife tells me never happens with our love making. Thus when we became pregnant about 7 years ago with our first son you could well imagine how excited and relieved I was. The interesting thing about this was the fact that with both our boys God had put it in me that they would be both boys and he also gave me their names, which, proved to me that God was really in charge of them and we were just custodians.

I was so happy to welcome our two sons into the world and I did not know whether to hug, hold, kiss or pray. I was worried a lot during S's pregnancies since they were not easy ones and I added more stress on her with my behaviour. In both cases S. had to have a C-section and I really felt at times that I was the one who put her through this. I have read that many husbands when they see the trauma of their wife having a baby that they no longer want to make love to her for fear of another traumatic birth, but I can't say this. In fact, my wife being pregnant really turned me on. So our two boys came into the world. N. and J. were the splitting image of me with a little of their mom thrown in. They were and are the most beautiful mix or blend and all I can say is I was wonderstruck.

Raising children can only be compared to a scientific experiment where everything could go wrong but you have to really be directed by the best mind, God, to get it right. I did not want to make the mistakes my mother did even though she cursed me with "I hope you have troubled and hyper children so you can feel how I feel." Mind you my two boys are a bit on the energetic side and a handful, but never trouble. I enjoyed holding them, feeding them and changing them. I remember when they had colic I held them to my chest for hours and I would not give up those memories for the world. Taking care of them is a joy and even though I get frustrated at times I know I have a great job being a dad.

However it was not always like this. My selfish nature and my giving in to my demons really affected my relationship with them for a part of their lives that meant the most. I felt incompetent at times to be a good father and I put a burden on myself to be the best and in doing so I did not go to God or my wife for the support or the help. In my frustration I took a lot out on them and as I look back now on this I feel disgusted with myself. S. literally had to become mother and father to them while I explored my gay side and I treated them as burdens instead of ones I love. When I did realize what I was doing I felt ashamed with myself, feeling it was better I had nothing to do with them. I remember when I was out with a guy and I came back late S. would tell me how much they missed me and if daddy was coming home. Back then I did not want to hear these things and I feel ashamed for such acts. Then there was my shouting and treating them as adults who should know better, never as a equal or my own. Many times my wife had to intervene to save the children from me and I thank her so much for doing so. I know I was not a very nice person during that period and I cringe every time I think about it.

Today I really think before I act and I am learning so many great things about my children. All the advice my wife has given to me on how to approach our children I take into account before I interact with them. I remember what it was like when I was a child and use that knowledge to have fun even when an occasion is serious. I look back at all the memories of their, first words, the first walk and first food and I also look at the time we have spent at the zoo, the beach and drives. I enjoy their smile, their chats and their antics, they know more in their short lives that I ever did at that age. I look at these gifts from God and I am so happy that my wife and I are one, not only because of the children but because of the love we share and give. We are really guided by God in raising them and if I have to do it all over again the only thing I would change was my behaviour and attitude when I was being selfish and unkind.

S. has been so instrumental in their lives and such a great mother, to me. I so honour her and love her, I don't think I could ever repay her for her dedication to God and our children. N and J. are the greatest gifts that God could ever give and this after my wife. At one time I was not an equal partner and S. had a lot to deal with, especially with very energetic boys, but then S had to deal with a third adult child which would make anyone go mad. I love my family and would not leave them for the universe, I want to be with them because I love them and I also know that God is the head of our home and I chose to follow Him willingly

I would admit there are times when I slip up and unlike my mother who has never said sorry, I admit my mistakes an apologize to them and don't repeat the mistake. I tell my children I love them and I am not afraid or ashamed to hug and kiss them all the time. They remind me of me in so many ways and I am proud to take them everywhere with me because they are part of me. With my wife we make 4, a true family. There is little else to say but that my relationship with them is so much more better than it used to be and I know I am happier for it.

For a long time I feared that my gay feelings would influence my children, I thought that they would have to face what I went through. I really lived making sure that they did boy things and this was not fair to either them or me. I knew that if I did not overcome my pains, confusion, frustrations and desires that my children would face it in some form, either having to chose the life of being gay or ridiculed because their father was. But I have really spoken to God about it and I know that his hands are on them, I am here to guide and I do what God wants in their lives and thus I no longer worry. I also know being gay is a spiritual experience one that I had to break on my life and my children’s. I know they have a great purpose and they will become great men. I can not be there to direct their lives all of my life and I know their struggles, their experiences and their future is made by them and their choice to follow God or not. They are truly His Special Gifts. Now, you may not agree, you may even be down right condescending but I am not here to write about lies just what I have come to learn.