MY TWO BOYS

GOD'S MOST SPECIAL GIFTS

So it's 2:31a.m. and my wife and I had a wonderful day at the beach with our two boys. I am looking at them now and I really smile to myself at how well they are growing up. I am so proud of them and in every way they are special. Now every parent would say that their children are special and they are proud but just thinking of how much they are gifts from God really makes you sit and ponder the scheme of things. I say this since I see two gifts given to my wife and me on loan; this loan is really delicate since we have been entrusted with a special job to raise these children and empower them with God's virtues and talents.

I grew up thinking that I would never be able to have children since I probably would not be able to function properly in a sexual way. I know, a very stupid thing to think but throw in the belief that I was probably gay and my fears were real. When I met my wife S. a lot of my fears went away since my attraction and desire for her was first of all real and a relief. I was so happy that I could have normal sexual relations with her, desire her and enjoy every bit of it. This was a gift in itself and I knew also that sexual intercourse was truly a gift. Many people like me grow up hearing that your first encounter with sex should be done within marriage because its a special thing that you share with some one. I obeyed this not really understanding the true meaning of it. I made a vow with God at 14 years old that I would wait till I was married to have sexual intercourse and even though there were many girlfriends and close encounters (down to my underwear in a car) I was able to hold out. Mind you many people just did not believe me when I said I was a virgin or they would say that I was gay, but I did wait.

Making love to S. was the greatest thing I have ever experienced one which can never be shared with anyone else and one which cannot compare to anything and anyone. I did fear that making love to a man would take away my desire for my wife and so all sorts of fears played in my mind, and even though I committed adultery with men, I never lost my desire for my wife. It did however make me feel a bit insecure about love making and I did want to stop making love with my wife in case I picked up a disease and to protect her from me. Yet, the more I stayed away from her the more I desired her and I could not during that time keep away. The fact remains that I loved making love to my wife and our love making, which has gotten better since then proved to me that there was nothing wrong with me.

There were times in my life that my mother really made me feel that sex was dirty since she would say horrible things like "men’s bodies are so disgusting" and "that thing between their leg is poison and should be cut off". It was these statements that really made me feel that I could never satisfy a woman, something my wife tells me never happens with our love making. Thus when we became pregnant about 7 years ago with our first son you could well imagine how excited and relieved I was. The interesting thing about this was the fact that with both our boys God had put it in me that they would be both boys and he also gave me their names, which, proved to me that God was really in charge of them and we were just custodians.

I was so happy to welcome our two sons into the world and I did not know whether to hug, hold, kiss or pray. I was worried a lot during S's pregnancies since they were not easy ones and I added more stress on her with my behaviour. In both cases S. had to have a C-section and I really felt at times that I was the one who put her through this. I have read that many husbands when they see the trauma of their wife having a baby that they no longer want to make love to her for fear of another traumatic birth, but I can't say this. In fact, my wife being pregnant really turned me on. So our two boys came into the world. N. and J. were the splitting image of me with a little of their mom thrown in. They were and are the most beautiful mix or blend and all I can say is I was wonderstruck.

Raising children can only be compared to a scientific experiment where everything could go wrong but you have to really be directed by the best mind, God, to get it right. I did not want to make the mistakes my mother did even though she cursed me with "I hope you have troubled and hyper children so you can feel how I feel." Mind you my two boys are a bit on the energetic side and a handful, but never trouble. I enjoyed holding them, feeding them and changing them. I remember when they had colic I held them to my chest for hours and I would not give up those memories for the world. Taking care of them is a joy and even though I get frustrated at times I know I have a great job being a dad.

However it was not always like this. My selfish nature and my giving in to my demons really affected my relationship with them for a part of their lives that meant the most. I felt incompetent at times to be a good father and I put a burden on myself to be the best and in doing so I did not go to God or my wife for the support or the help. In my frustration I took a lot out on them and as I look back now on this I feel disgusted with myself. S. literally had to become mother and father to them while I explored my gay side and I treated them as burdens instead of ones I love. When I did realize what I was doing I felt ashamed with myself, feeling it was better I had nothing to do with them. I remember when I was out with a guy and I came back late S. would tell me how much they missed me and if daddy was coming home. Back then I did not want to hear these things and I feel ashamed for such acts. Then there was my shouting and treating them as adults who should know better, never as a equal or my own. Many times my wife had to intervene to save the children from me and I thank her so much for doing so. I know I was not a very nice person during that period and I cringe every time I think about it.

Today I really think before I act and I am learning so many great things about my children. All the advice my wife has given to me on how to approach our children I take into account before I interact with them. I remember what it was like when I was a child and use that knowledge to have fun even when an occasion is serious. I look back at all the memories of their, first words, the first walk and first food and I also look at the time we have spent at the zoo, the beach and drives. I enjoy their smile, their chats and their antics, they know more in their short lives that I ever did at that age. I look at these gifts from God and I am so happy that my wife and I are one, not only because of the children but because of the love we share and give. We are really guided by God in raising them and if I have to do it all over again the only thing I would change was my behaviour and attitude when I was being selfish and unkind.

S. has been so instrumental in their lives and such a great mother, to me. I so honour her and love her, I don't think I could ever repay her for her dedication to God and our children. N and J. are the greatest gifts that God could ever give and this after my wife. At one time I was not an equal partner and S. had a lot to deal with, especially with very energetic boys, but then S had to deal with a third adult child which would make anyone go mad. I love my family and would not leave them for the universe, I want to be with them because I love them and I also know that God is the head of our home and I chose to follow Him willingly

I would admit there are times when I slip up and unlike my mother who has never said sorry, I admit my mistakes an apologize to them and don't repeat the mistake. I tell my children I love them and I am not afraid or ashamed to hug and kiss them all the time. They remind me of me in so many ways and I am proud to take them everywhere with me because they are part of me. With my wife we make 4, a true family. There is little else to say but that my relationship with them is so much more better than it used to be and I know I am happier for it.

For a long time I feared that my gay feelings would influence my children, I thought that they would have to face what I went through. I really lived making sure that they did boy things and this was not fair to either them or me. I knew that if I did not overcome my pains, confusion, frustrations and desires that my children would face it in some form, either having to chose the life of being gay or ridiculed because their father was. But I have really spoken to God about it and I know that his hands are on them, I am here to guide and I do what God wants in their lives and thus I no longer worry. I also know being gay is a spiritual experience one that I had to break on my life and my children’s. I know they have a great purpose and they will become great men. I can not be there to direct their lives all of my life and I know their struggles, their experiences and their future is made by them and their choice to follow God or not. They are truly His Special Gifts. Now, you may not agree, you may even be down right condescending but I am not here to write about lies just what I have come to learn.

FROM FEAR TO FAITH

"I AM BRAVE"

Yesterday I had the inspiration and energy from God to write about a part of my life I was really scared to talk about. I feared so much what people would think or how my wife would react to it. However as I wrote and released all those doubts and indecisions I began to feel confident in knowing that this was and is my life and it really happened. I don't expect everyone to agree; heck, people may be down right nasty but that's O.K. This blog has helped me open up, not only here, but in my relationship with my wife and my family. I really enjoy when my wife reads what I say because I no longer have secrets from her and I don't want to. S. is part of me and we share in everything. I value her comments and her help in everything I write and say here.

I have read a lot of different blogs over the last few months and I can truly say that there is no one blog that I can relate too. Most have some of what I went through but I have come to realize that my wife and I are very unique in our experience. When I began this Blog I was very nervous and scared of exposing myself to the world, but who I am is very bold and strong and confident in knowing that what I write and the experiences I had are not to be hidden or white washed. I do hope by writing this blog that those who suffered what I and my wife went through would know that they are not alone.

My name Daniel Gethyn is one of many names that mean my real name. I am truly Daniel and it suits me. So I am glad to meet the world and all those people who are out there. I am brave, strong and ready to face what life throws at me. I have a few more posts to write on my life and I now know that I am not scared to share them. Really walking off a cliff and throwing fear to the wind does pay off, especially when you have nothing else to lose and place everything in God's hands.

MY TRUE FATHER - GOD (PART 2)

MY SPIRITUAL TRANSFORMATION

I used to feel that God was a text book case, in that He was typical of the Bible. All I needed to do was to pray and live a good life not bothering anyone and really resisting the devil and everything would be all right. I never stopped to think that I was getting it wrong or even asked God what he wanted me to do. I believed for a long time that I had to make my life right before I could even dare present myself to God. Also, I interpreted what God wanted me to do and did not listen for a very long time to the quiet voice that was saying hey wake up and listen to me. I felt all the answers could come from either me or from the literal translation of the Bible and in doing so I got myself lost and confused.

In my quest to find God on my terms I became more frustrated and more lost. I began to depend on people around me for answers and in so doing I made people my god, they had power over me. So that when S. and I began working together I was at a spiritual low, but yet I felt that this was only a stage. I knew God had put S. into my life for a reason and our courtship and marriage was also a stage in God's plan for us.

As a child I believed that even though God was all around us that we had to really fight hard to get his attention. As I grew older I believed that God was in a place that you could only access through prayer and meditation, a mystical place on the border between reality and dream. I felt that one had to reach a place in ones life that was so pure and good before ever being allowed in God's presence. This perfectionist idea stayed with me for a long time and it was really me that conceptualized this idea and in doing so I placed a heavy burden on myself, one that God did not place on me.

I wanted to really know God and to serve him and it was after my wife and I got married that I seriously decided to get to know him. The fact remained that up to the age of 27 I was always courting other people’s idea of god, and I was not really going to the source. Looking back at it all I know God had his hand on me and that he was calling me to him. My thirst for him was taking me in a new direction since I just knew the answer was not in any established church or person. I got a lot of inspiration from listening to my wife and her walk with God, for S. her walk with God started as a child. S. listened to the voice of God and really pursued a relationship with him and in doing so He directed and guided her in her everyday life. I saw how happy and contented she was when she talked about her relationship with God and this really made me want to know Him more. S. did not make a move without God's guidance and leading and I wanted this for my life. The thing was for a long time I had developed a stubborn personality one which did not like anyone or anything to be in control. (6/08/2006)

I started this post about 2 weeks ago and had nearly finished it when I accidentally lost most of it. The above is what I was able to recover and what I right now is a continuation of my transformation.

I began to actually realize that God was in control of our destiny the day I was getting married. A lot of forces joined together to break up my relationship with my wife to be, from my mother trying to stop me from getting married to a plot to get the priest to put it off because he had a mass to perform. It is interesting to note that my wife made it from her home to the church literally in 15 minutes, when in actuality it took near to 45 minutes. Growing up I never thought I would get married even though I wanted to. I always saw myself resisting my Gay feelings and living a bachelor life with my parents. What I experienced by getting married was a dream come true, a woman I loved and a new life with that significant other to share with. For me God was making everything come true, what struck me the most it seemed to me that my gay feelings had gone.

Life began great with S. and I really decided to become God’s servant in every way. For a long time my relationship with God was always one way, in that I did all the talking and did not listen. It was only when we were living and working away from home that my view of God changes and relinquishing my control over me was necessary for a true relationship with God. It was only when I had a spiritual experience where all the hail Mary’s and Catholic prayers could not work and I had to really cry out to God directly that things began to change. I so wanted to have that personal relationship and have the Holy Spirit teach me that I sat for hours just listening and becoming frustrated because I could not hear. It was one day while at work sitting watching the ocean and the river near by that a quiet and refreshing breeze struck me. What was odd was the fact that there was nothing blowing for miles around. It was here I really understood that God was not far away and hard of hearing but right next to you talking to you all the time. It was wonderful to just sit and hear the voice of God and to be taught by him, I remember weeks on end just walking and talking to God and obtaining the most complete and fulfilling answers. S. and I soon renounced all earthly religions to serve god directly, we became truly born again in God and his son Jesus Christ.

It was from this point I knew also that the devil would not let up on the attack and within a few weeks my family, friends and co-workers all deserted us. I was not prepared for this since I always felt human fellowship was important. I did have my wife, who was more supportive than any human in the world and who stood by me when all hell broke lose in our lives. I turned to God at these most stressful moments and digested all the Bible said, reading the Bible was like a map to a treasure since the same reading had a new meaning every other day. The first few years of our marriage was good in that my wife and I were really working together with God and battling everything that was thrown at us. I was extremely happy to know that now that I was with God in every way he would really remove the gay feeling I felt intermittently. I think one of the most scary occasions of my life was telling my wife my feelings towards guys, I had kept it a secret for so long yet I knew to have a true relationship with God and her I had to come out with it. When I did tell her I felt better and a weight lifted off my shoulder and I truly felt that God would soon remove it.

My enthusiasm and joy at serving God was great but the problem was I was still scared to let go fully control over my life. On many occasions I would not wait on God to direct me and I would step out and approach it on my logic and my idea on what to do. I allowed my pride and my self-importance to control me and I resented when God would send the correction through my wife, I soon began to be very arrogant and this affected my relationship with God and my wife. Added to this was the fact that the gay feelings were not leaving but getting stronger and stronger to resist. I wondered if this was my destiny, my cross to bear and yet I just knew God could and would remove it. This soon lead to my questioning and wondering over why it had not gone yet. This feeling turned to resentment and then to anger at God because I felt that by now all my dedication and worship should have been enough.

By 2002 I was so frustrated with the oppressiveness of my gay feelings that I could no longer resist them. I was scared to tell my wife as I had said they would go, also I had some serious trust issues and even though I should of confided in the one I married, the one most of all trustworthy I did not. I felt like the worse sinner, especially being angry with God, I felt I was destined to go to hell and wanted to punish myself and God for creating me. I hated myself and despised my body and all I wanted to do was to die. My relationship with God and my wife became strained as I tried to fix the problem without seeking the ones who could help the most, God and my wife. I had also put pressure on myself to be the head of the priestly household, especially to be a role model, father and good boy; this was something God did not ask me to do.

I got the opportunity to go away in 2002 and it was there I came upon many gay couples, to me it seemed so natural and I wondered if this was not my fate. I actually decided there and then that I was going to defy God, my life, marriage and everything I held dear. I did this because I wanted to force God to change me, to stop me and at the same time punish me. I also wanted to hurt myself since I really did not feel worthy of love or to be loved. As soon as I reached back home I turned to the internet and joined a few gay personal web pages. I did feel guilty and I did feel god warning me but I continued because I really wanted to test God and push him. Like any spoilt child I was looking for attention even to my detriment. I even went so far as to isolate my wife and try to destroy her because she loved me. I also wanted to push her away so I would not corrupt her and have her associate with such a sinful person. I know that I really gave in to the devil and I became a very different person, one that my wife could not stand to be around. I became a selfish person, making excuses for what I did and turning an argument against my wife. Because I was hurting I was lashing out and because I could not get to God I lashed out at the one closest to Him, my wife.

I pursued a gay relationship and committed adultery in the process. I am not proud of what I did nor am I writing it here to boast about it. While I was with the a guy called D. I blocked out all of my guilty feelings and really ignored that inner voice that said to stop. I know I was reaching that point of no return and I cried out to God to stop me because I no longer felt good or pleased about being with a guy, but then at the same time I did not want to stop. God used my wife and by her catching me I knew in a way that God was putting an end one way or the other to what I was doing. Through my wife God gave me an ultimatum, either Him or the devil, my choice was Him and my wife. I know I hurt my wife and destroyed all trust and honesty between us. We did talk and after first lying to protect her feelings I opened up. I know deep down inside I loved my wife and she was truly my mate in every way and at the time I did not know how to even think about starting to repair the damage, damage I felt was never going to be repaired.

I really poured my heart out to God and really confessed all my sins and really apologized to Him. I felt guilty and dirty for the things I did and more so when S. looked at me. I know I wanted her and fear of losing her gripped me, but then, it would be a just reward. But then like a true “Prodigal Son” that I was I came home begging forgiveness. S. did what I believe is the one thing that I so respect her for and am so unworthy to be in her presence and that was to forgive me and give me a chance. S. did this because she loved and obeyed God. We sat down getting to the root of the problem, the betrayal, the lies, the hurts but yet there were things that could not be repaired overnight. The thing that struck me the most was the fact that I was a totally different person during this time, one who was pure evil and diabolical, it was here that I truly came to accept that being gay was spiritual and that gay spirits did exist and affect me. I promised to start afresh, S. and I were going to start over in a sense, but even though I had returned to God I still felt that the Gay feelings lingered. After a year of no attractions to men and breathing a sigh of relief I began to experience blinding waves of gay feelings and attractions and I once again got depressed and upset. Why was this happening? What did I do? Did I allow another Spirit to infiltrate my life? How do I tell my wife about this? I feared telling her because this meant I was lying and fooling her. I made up my mind against all that God was telling me to just speak to gay guys and really get this thing out of my system. I said to myself all I needed was one experience and I would be cured. I could come home and live a perfect life free from this pressure.

I really wanted to serve God but again I still had this issue of relinquishing control of myself to God. I feared being vulnerable and also leaving things in a being's hands that I could not see. I knew this was foolish since He had done great things for me that could only be miracles. This time however my wife caught me when I was e-mailing. There was always that inner voice that wanted her to catch me to stop me before I made a terrible mess of everything. Deep down inside the love for my wife was being smothered by that selfish spoilt individual who wanted his own way. I still did not trust or allow those I loved in and I also kept all my problems to myself. By shutting out my wife and her love I rejected it. I began to feel a dark cloud slowly taking over my heart and destroying all that was me. I had accepted those demons in and I also allowed them to change my personality. I don’t blame my actions on spirits alone and at this point in my life I had truly given up fighting. I never truly gave up all my inner fears, hurts and traumatic events to God nor did I want to since I felt that these things made me feel that I was not perfect and I actually enjoyed escaping to that “I am not perfect” excuse. The fact is I needed to accept responsibility and take things to God, I also needed to deal with my issues and be a man. I was still allowing my childish self to rule alongside the destructive programming my mother had done.

I know I loved my wife and I know that I had to face every ugly thing I did to her and myself. For 3 years I had become a monster, I convinced myself that I could love both a man and a woman, that this could complete all the emptiness I felt and more. I was very wrong. Experimenting with men left me at first confused and then I really thought the experience would be great but it was not. I had known in a sense that it would be so since God had shown me and I knew that I would not like it. So in actuality I was one of those doubting Thomases who had to experience for myself. This I did and instead of stopping when my wife caught me the second time He allowed me to experience a sexual encounter with a guy. I know this is a strange thing to write that God would actually allow me to go through with such an action and I was a bit shocked myself. I wondered if this was really God, no God I knew except the devil encouraged such an action. I wondered if I was just convincing myself that this was what I wanted and if I used God as a reason, to seal the deal so to say. I wanted to back out at that point, but my wife and I needed to know once and for all what side I stood for and where we were headed. I can only say that when I met the guy S. and went with him the experience was so horrible and uncomfortable that I really was turned off physically and emotionally. I felt used, raped and abused and I understood why it was that I had to go through this experience and knew also that I no longer wanted to have sex with a man. All the feelings, thoughts and dreams I had about being gay were all brought into perspective and I truly understood how not me it was, how unnatural I felt and how real and true what I had with my wife was. I can only say that this was something I experienced and for each person it would be different.

I came home and told my wife that I no longer wanted to have a sexual relationship with a man and that I understood what God was doing in my life. I knew that I could no longer accept the way I was, that I was sabotaging my relationship with God, my wife and my children. Having to renounce all the evil I did and the get rid of all the demons pulling my strings was necessary if I wanted a truly great relationship with God, my wife and myself. For a long time after that I still wrestled with suppressing my problems, but I needed to let it out before it destroyed me. I dealt with the issues I had with my mother, brother and family and I moved on to dealing with issues of self-confidence and self-destructive forces. My wife was instrumental in bringing out these areas I had to deal with even sacrificing her hurts, pains and the betrayal I had caused. S. only did what God wanted and by and by it broke down that wall of protection I had built to prevent people making me feel vulnerable.

By January 2006 we had come to the next stage, either we were going to be a couple or we were going our separate ways. I was still not opening up to her and really telling her how I felt, while S. for all of our marriage had opened herself to me pouring out her love and fears and everything about herself. In return I spurned that love and her feelings, really destroying every possible avenue for reconciliation and a fresh start. My relationship with God had been very limited in that I only listened to some things and not all he said, I felt guilty and detested what I had done, but I also knew that I could not go on much longer living in guilt. I had a choice put before me, either chose God and stop putting off serving him or go my own way and leave S. and my children so that God could work in their lives. My choice was God and I soon felt a weight lifted, I truly surrendered to him and gave up control of my life. I saw my wife like a new person one that was so radiant and new, which she is. The love for her in my heart and that I had for God overcame the dark black mass I had built up and which was about to take over. I began to open up and talk to S. about my hurts my pains and all the issues. I wanted to hear from her and know her, I knew that she would share her hurts, pains and betrayal with me and even though I was scared to hear it I wanted her and I loved her. I would listen to everything she said and I wanted to answer all the questions that needed to be answered so that if there was any hope of us having a relationship in the future it could start by this communication and understanding. I just knew also that God wanted no issues between us.

I would like to say that the gay feelings I had went away for good with the experience I had, but there were remnants. I still craved the touch of a man, to just feel a guy and be with a guy. I did not want to have sexual intercourse and I did not want a relationship with a guy as I enjoyed sexual relations with my wife and I only wanted a relationship with her. This time I trusted my wife and did not give in to the fear, we decided together that I should go back on and pursue this to the end, which I did. I spoke to many gay guys on many different dating sites and I meet many of them. The thing was that as I chatted and talked to guys my feelings were slowly fading away. I knew that God was doing it and at the same time my attraction to S. was also growing. The guys I met were really good looking but when I meet them I felt no attraction or feelings to be with them. In fact the whole thing left me bored and uninterested and by April of 2006 I came off of all the sites and did so because I no longer needed to experiment or explore gay feelings. Maybe this is a simplified version of what happened but one thing I knew that all the gay feelings were real and were very much part of my life.

In the last 3 months my love and devotion for my wife have increased and my desire for her has no bounds. At the same time I have had to really come to terms with what I did and the pain, hurt and betrayal that my wife feels. I know it may take forever for her to trust me fully but I have seen God really working on both of us. I was that Prodigal Son three times and I know that I am humbled by what God has done and I know I don’t deserve it. Also in a funny way the roles have changed with S. and I, God has really made us see each other from the other side and I for one have a deeper understanding of what I put S. through. I do feel guilty for what I did and I will always remember the monster I was. As I speak the process of change and transformation is ongoing. There are good days and bad days, I know that there are a lot of hurts that S. feels and questions that she has and I am there through thick and thin for her. I love her and no one man or woman can take that away. I can say I love because I truly understand what love is, it is everything from sacrifice and devotion to hurt and pain, but then everyone’s experience with love is different. As I said I once could not understand love for I saw love as a vulnerable thing. By opening myself to exploring love with God and S. my heart is alight and happiness fills me. I also know that this transformation was Gods plan and out of all we have gone through we are stronger in God for it. I know too that my wife depends solely on God and that you must not put your faith in any man, if a person does not want to change no prayer or help you give can work, you have to make the choice alone, as I did. I love God and I will always love him. My relationship with him is so much better and He is so more of a Dad than any parent could be.

Before I end I just wanted to say that this is my transformation and I did not write this to change anyone. Everyone has a different story to tell mine is real and not imaginary. I know many people would read this and say that I am fooling myself or that I was never gay, but I know, my wife knows and many of the people around me know what really happened. I know that being gay is real in the sense that it existed in me and that it is now gone only through surrendering it to God and really going through hell and back.

BRAIN OVERLOAD

"SO MANY THOUGHTS SO LITTLE TIME"

What I am writing is more for my wife, God and me than anyone else. I feel sometimes that if I don't express myself then I will explode, or just shut down. For the last few days I have been wondering about my future and if my family and I will be O.K. I say this because there were many decisions made over the last 10 years that really did a disservice to my family and me.

In every other area of our lives S. and I are doing well and on our way to being fully one again. I really love and cherish the new found joy in each other. Yet, in our financial situations we seem to be always at a loss. It is not that we over-spend or make bad decisions but life seems to be playing a cruel game with us. I say this because as I speak we are in the middle of a financial debt that seems out of control especially because all basic goods and services keep climbing in price as we face rising inflation while the income stays the same.

I believe that God is in control of our lives and I do not doubt that He will come through for us, but it is at this time I feel at my weakest. I feel vulnerable and stressed, which is playing havoc with my weight, my health and how I react to my family. There is nothing I can do but wait on God, and even if I have to live in poverty I will serve Him. This is not the problem, it is all the thoughts of how to fix it that are, especially as we have tried everything only to have another basic need unexpectedly increase in cost, affecting the entire society, including us.

I am starting to feel very overloaded and I am starting to shut down. Yet I know that by writing this, it helps in so many ways. I no longer feel good holding things in and writing helps release the oppressiveness of the worries. I blamed myself for the situation we are in; I never in a million years thought we could be in debt with no where to turn. Maybe this post is a waste of time but once I see it on a page and read it back I start to feel relaxed. Anyway, many of those people who called themselves family and friends I know now gave us some really bad financial advice, advice which was more sabotage than help. These people who would not even give the same advice to a client really messed us up and we are reaping the rewards for it because we naively trusted them because of their professional qualifications and personal relationships with us. We've learned what they say about business and family/friends don't mix, the hardest ways.

I must admit that in our excitement and exuberance we really stepped out of what God wanted for us and ended up in a further mess. I also must admit that my past mistakes have contributed to our present problem and I do regret them. I can go on all night grumbling about our situation but what really strikes me is I feel very confident that God is watching and working things out. A feeling deep down just washes over me, telling me that its not to late and its not over, that we will be O.K.

Now, this might be wishful thinking and a hope that is not there, but since God is all good and perfect, He will come through. If he does not, well it does not change my belief or my focus on Him. One thing I know, God, does not make mistakes and He never goes back on a promise. In my deepest darkest moments when I just know the devil is turning the screws that's when I focus on God even more.

One last point I wanted to say, my wife and children are truly a great help in that they make me happy and smile a lot.

IT'S BEEN 8 DAYS NOW

TIME OUT !!!!

I have not been up to writing in the last 8 days since I have been feeling a bit drained. The last few months have been really hot and humid and sitting to write takes a lot out of me. In fact, I started my second part of "My Relationship With God" and I had just finished when I accidentally wiped it off my computer. I was so upset that I really could not write after that, in fact, since then a lot has come up and I want to write when things are at a better place.

I actually was interested in World Cup Football for the last two weeks and this was because my country Trinidad and Tobago was playing. Even though we did not win I feel proud that we could hold our own in the face of some experienced world teams. I am proud of the way we played and acted.

Well, "Father's Day" is Sunday and I really enjoy my children,( N. and J. my two boys). They are really gifts sent by God and I really am humbled by their wonderful lives. They are developing so well and I feel happy and proud to be their dad. P.S. They have the most wonderful, beautiful, loving and caring mom I will ever know. I have no clue what to buy my dad, we don't speak much and asking him what he wants is like pulling teeth. I probably will just call and wish him "Happy Fathers Day".

Holidays are coming up soon, I will have more time to think and write on this Blog. That does not mean that I will leave the Blog free of my thoughts till then though. So until I have something more worthwhile to write about, see ya.

I thought I would start putting some beautiful pictures of my country while I was at it.

MY TRUE FATHER - GOD (PART 1)

"GOD AND ME"

It really struck me today that before I go any further I want to take some time out to really discuss my journey to God. God has been my guide all of my life and really there is not a single thing that I have done in the past that he was not in control of. I dedicate my life to him and I am ever in his debt, you see he has done miracles in my life on more than one occasion. My relationship with God is always ongoing and there is a lot still to go.

From an early childhood I enjoyed reading the Bible and wondered about this Almighty figure who did so many great things. I grew up in a strict Catholic family where the rosary was said every day and every weekend we were in church. I would sit and ponder all the frescos and statues in the church and just wonder what the heck I was brought into the world for. The stories of Adam and Eve, Noah, Moses, Daniel and Jesus all intrigued me and I would sit for hours just reading it over and over. My great-grandmother had this huge old Bible with pictures and I would sit staring at it. I had a lot of questions about who God was and what he wanted me to do. I really felt that since he made me that I had a special purpose or better yet he had a mission for me to do.

As I grew older I really got interested in Youth groups, going to church more, listerning to the mass and really wanting to understand my faith. Yet, the more I dug into the Bible and God I felt a contradiction with what I was hearing from the priest. The thing was I never questioned what I was being taught because to do so was to doubt God and the church, it was considered a mystery that only God could understand. This made me even more curious about God and I dived right into church. I enjoyed First Communion and Confirmation and learning about the love of God and his forgiveness was inspiring. What was even greater was the sacrifice his son Jesus made for all our sins, to me this was an humbling event and I wanted to be just like Him.

The only thing was I was beginning to feel held back by the church, when I told my parents I wanted to go to church more often they felt something wrong with me but then when I did not feel up to going to church on a weekend I was berated and literally condemned to hell. The more I looked at the church the more not like Jesus it became, the priest would fall asleep in mass, read the wrong reading and berate parishioners for their children's crying. I know Jesus would not have done that. I could not understand why I had to go to confession when no where in the Bible did anyone go to anyone else. I wondered if God was deaf, especially when we had to pray to the saints especially since Gods first two commandments contradicted this. For me it was a contradiction, but I put it down to my misunderstanding.

I use to pray every night saying the whole rosary and falling to sleep in the process, I forced myself to keep up and say it as well as to speak to God directly. When I began to have Gay feelings I literally thought I was the most evil person in the world that I had allowed myself to give in to the devil. I was so fearful of going to hell that I begged God everyday to take these feelings away. I even on two occasions went to confession for it and on both occasions the priest said it was a common temptation that we had to resist until we were strong enough spiritually that it would go. However, the feeling never went and I felt tormented, I even felt that this was my cross to bear for life and vowed to never give in to this temptation.

In the meantime I became interested in other people's religious beliefs and wondered about how God was worshipped by those people. I was intrigued by my Seven Day Adventist neighbours who spoke God and Jesus so different from The Catholic church. I was very interested on their interpretation of the Book of Revelations but then my mother came along and banded us from having any dealings with them since they would corrupt our beliefs. For me getting closer to God would mean all my problems would go away, I always felt that I was an evil child since in my mother's house I could do no right. It seemed to me when I look back at it I was the seed of Satan to her, I remember sitting at the end of my bed and asking her why it was I was so prone to doing bad things and her answer was she did not know why. In my mind my mother really made me feel like I was destined for hell, especially since the Gay feelings would not go away.

After I reached 18 I became very religious in that I focused on what the church wanted and not on what I wanted. I really moved away from the focus on God and really put my self in the hands of those who I felt understood God the best. I joined many Youth Groups, attended a Life In the spirit seminar, C.O.R.E. retreat and a host of groups that really made me feel for a time close to people who could help me understand God and myself. It also helped me keep my mind off of my mother and my Gay feelings. However the closer I got to understanding God the more I questioned the faith I was born into. I could not understand first of all why my parents felt something was wrong with me for wanting to know God and spend time with him. Another rethink was the amount of people who I had met in the church all had problems that the church were unable to help. I never openly questioned my church leaders and felt ashamed for questioning.

I decided that the best way to get closer to God was to become a priest and I started counseling sessions to prepare for this calling. I felt this was what God wanted since on two occasions at a Life in a spirit session I was told that my calling was to preach and heal. On the contrary, I really felt a strong feeling that I was destined to get married and I seriously wanted children, So in the end I chose University and never regretted it.

I have always felt that in those days God was watching me that even though I felt lost at times and confused He had a plan and that this was just part of it. I always felt that I would be a good boy if I kept myself pure, so I surrounded myself with good Christian friends and made vows to God to not do a host of things. However I understand now that this was not the best thing I could have done. It was during my university years that my whole belief system changed and I began to really focus on God and his word. I really needed a new focus to take my mind off all the problems I was facing at home and emotionally.

I studied the history of the Catholic Church and what I really learned disturbed me, especially the fact that the more understood the more aware I was that they were really not living by God's word. It really struck me that every part of the Bible was opposite to what the church I was born into represented. I found it hard to pray at night especially to Mary or the different Saints, I preferred to direct my prayers to God directly. I really found church no longer fulfilling and I actually felt happy when I did not go. However, the fear of mom finding out that I missed a few weekend services really made me feel like I was truly delinquent.

The thing was my gay feelings made me feel as though I was dammed to hell. I had read the Bible and really felt that the destruction of Sodom was as a result of Homosexuality. I really loved God but what the church said about those feelings really caused me to pull away. I could not believe that God who created us and loves us would just condemn me. I felt really good when I prayed directly to him and as I read more, especially the life of Christ I just knew inside of me that God loved me the way I was and that He would take those feelings away. I just knew also that he did not make anyone conflicted with their sexuality, God did not torture people.

When I met my wife S. I felt the needed to reacquaint myself with the Church, S. and I became the model couple at service. However the more I went the more I felt like a hypocrite and I began to feel depressed. I felt happier just talking to God, reading the Bible and confessing my wrongs to him directly. The problem was that the feelings I had for men never went away even when priest had told me it would. I continued to be a good Catholic even after I got married, but a number of events that occurred while my wife and I were at work really changed my whole spiritual outlook on life. What I know was God was ready to move both my wife out of an old system into a new.

These memories are the first experiences I had of God and my next post would contain how God transformed my life.

OBSERVING REALITY

OUTSIDE LOOKING IN ! ! !

I was sitting at my desk today thinking of my wife and wondering why I was not home all cuddled up with her in bed. I really wanted to chuck my job and look for something new to do. The people I work with really reminded me of mindless drones, running around looking as though they were doing things but in actuality they were not. I used to believe that I made a difference in my job, but here was the problem, for when I took all the responsibility for life on my shoulder I realized that I am never satisfied and I am always looking for something else to do. There is nothing constructive about my work, in fact the staff has lately degenerated into a bunch of gossipers and scandal makers. People's lives have become so robotic at work that they really become a statistic on the record books.

I know I do my job well enough and as my wife tells me I am a workaholic, which mind you I do admit 100%. Today however I was sitting at my desk listening to the people around me and I just knew I did not belong there. I use to say this on and off that I was different, but today it really struck me that there was a gulf between me and other people. The difference was that my focus was on what God wanted for me and how he wanted me to approach it. Gossiping and spending time in useless conversation really did not bring any upliftment to my life or for that matter glory to God. I did feel guilty when I got involved in destructive conversations and then God would pull me up which I am always grateful for. Today however I began to realize that I was noticing for myself the uselessness of these conversations.

O.K. so it sounds like I am rambling here but I am not. The point is today I stepped back from my present to take a good look at me and my surroundings. What did I notice, well for one thing in the scheme of things I was a spot in the world, but with God I was everything and what's more I was special and loved. The next thing that struck me was the fact that God has a plan for me and even when things looked really grim it is a part of his plan in brining us to that wonderful place. I really thanked God for bringing me out of my pit, my hell, my dungeon and what's more he loves me.

I started off my day kissing my wife before I left and burning the image of her sending me off. S. looked so beautiful standing at the gate and I really miss her when I leave for work. At work I count the time down before I leave for home to bath in her smile and her presence. I know in my being I love her and I am in love with her. Chatting with her on the phone really made me happy and helped me through the day. This was another of my looking at reality from afar. I enjoy my great love interest, hobby and day dream, that is my wife.

All these thoughts and wonderings came to me after my last post on my wife. I really found all the feelings I had for her once again and I really can express it in so many words. I know too from today's contemplation that the job I am in is not my last and that God has a greater more fulfilling one for me. The thing is I am in the place I am for a reason and one of these days God will bring me out of it, that's the realization that really made me happy today. I don't have to worry and I don't have to work towards pushing myself to be better in something that is no longer getting me anywhere.

For a long time I did things as I said on my own terms and never allowed God to be the centre of my life. I did not allow myself to submit to him fearing that if I did he would not come through, you see a lot of people including me don't want to trust someone they cannot see. The thing is when I took charge of my life I always tended to mess it up. It was only by releasing my fears, my control, my selfish nature and placing it in God's hands did everything work out, really having the guts to leap in faith. Mind you the way God works is never by conventional means or the way you think He would. Talking about God is a lot more liberating than anything in the world and He is a feature of all my posts. That fact is I would not be here today if it were not for him, because when I was in my darkest hour, my deepest pit and when I was on the verge of suicide he pulled me out.

This is what I was thinking about today especially in light of the fact that I can truly say that I was once Gay. I know I have spoken about this and plan to speak about my experience in upcoming posts but I was thinking about it today as part of my life. In fact for a long time I denied that I was Gay, instead I said to myself and my wife that it was just alternative feelings that I was dealing with. It was only recently that I accepted that Gay I was and Gay I am no longer. Sitting at my desk and while driving home this afternoon I was studying how God brought me through a journey from my struggle with being Gay to being very contented with being straight and loving my wife fully and completely and without regrets. I can truly come back to earth knowing that there is no lingering feeling for wanting a man and I am fully and completely a whole person who is not torn in two directions. Now, there are a lot of people out there who would say that I was never Gay, I was fooling myself or that it was out of vice, but they are not me and they did not go through what I went through. They were certainly not my wife, nor did they feel the hurt, pain and betrayal I put her through in my embracing being Gay.

Now I have read a lot of blogs, articles, web pages and the whole mass media on being gay and I have noticed something very important that I have found out and that no one ever mentions or even contemplates. That is that being gay is not what God wanted for people, that He does not make people gay and that it is a spiritual attack. Now I only mention it here since it was on my mind today and it was something that I was contemplating. I know because it was only when I really cried out to God and submitted to Him that He was able to liberate me from the feeling of being Gay. I want to dedicate a post to this and not confuse things more than necessary.

The thing is this is a blog about my life and I am writing about my experiences. After coming back to earth this afternoon I wanted to write what I was thinking and feeling. As it is I came home to a beautiful wife and wonderful children God gave to me as a gift. I really want to spend my time with them and enjoy what God gave me till I die.