INTERRACIAL MARRIAGE AND DISCRIMINATION

RACE AND MARRIAGE

As this post makes clear, my wife and I belong to an ever growing group of couples who are not marrying within their racial and cultural group, as expected by family and society. We belong to two different ethnic groups but do not even notice the difference as we married for love and not for colour. However, there are many in our society who hate the idea that such unions as my wife and I exist. S. and I have had to face a lot of discrimination, prejudice and stares over the years and I want to take some time here to say something about it. The problem does not just exist externally but internally with family members expressing their views on why we should not be together.

As a child, my parents never really discussed race or even the fact that there were other people who were not the same colour as I, probably because they thought I would not understand. Whatever the reason, I just took it that God made everyone different and that made them even more special. In fact I never thought of it as strange, or a threat, as most racists do. The people I mixed with belonged to a range of ethnic and religious groups and it was never a problem or an issue. I must admit a lot of this had to do with my dad, who did not confine us to one section of the ethnic population but took us all over to meet his friends who were of different races and religions.

Yet, as I got older I did hear some comments from my mother that made me cringe. For example, I remember her telling me that she did not want us coming home telling her that we were getting married to an African person since she could not comb cane-row. This comment shocked me since I had always come to believe that my mother did not have a racist bone in her body. Then other comments followed including the one that African people were prone to ignorance and violence, you could be friends with them, even bring them home but you could not marry them. I began to realize that the family I belonged to was not only racist but they were very sly about it.

In the process of reasoning I came to understand that my grandmother did not like East Indian people and my great-grandmother favoured lighter skinned family members. I tended to ignore these pieces of information since I knew I was not like that. By the time I was 17 years old I was dating girls of all different races and I never once thought that it was a problem. I grew to appreciate everyone and saw the diversity and mix as very important in advancing and understanding togetherness.

It was when I began to study for my first degree at University that I learned that there was a tradition in my family to whiten and this really was something new to me. I come from a very mixed ancestry and about 5 generations ago a plan was set in motion that members of the family who were dark should try as best as possible to marry people of lighter skin, understandably back then my ancestor obviously felt life would be better for her descendants the lighter they were. This would result in each generation becoming whiter. When I found this out I was taken aback a bit, but the more I thought about it I realized that it was true. My grandmother had encouraged her children not only to marry lighter skinned people but also into the most prominent families. The thing is, I know they did not expect my dad to do the opposite with tradition.

When I meet my future wife S. her race was not an issue. I found her to be the most beautiful woman, every thing about her was fantastic, and today she is even better than ever. But back then the only fear I had was the acceptance from my family. I would admit that I did listen to them a lot and was controlled by what they said. Strangely enough when I brought S. to meet my grandmother she liked her, but I must add we were not planning to get married yet. I was a bit relieved when she died, because if I got married my grandmother would not have approved, not that I was happy she died. It was only when S. and I declared our intention of getting married that all the racist comments came out.

At first I observed that when we went to family gatherings we were literally ignored or shunned and family members even looked down on us. But the worst came from my aunt. One day she dropped me to pick up my car at the mechanic and on the way she tried to use quiet persuasion to try and prevent me getting married. She noted that the two of us were from different backgrounds and cultures and we should realize that just did not work. I could not believe it. Here I was sitting in a car with my aunt, hearing the most racist statment of my life and what made it worse was the fact that it was directed towards me. I loved S. and nothing they said would deter me from marrying the one I loved. Even my mother tried to make comments about the marriage to be and this could also be seen on their very sour faces at the reception, I just knew they did not approve of the match. I did not care.

The pressures inside the family circle were bad enough but added to it were the pressures from within the society. The first dose of racism came from a University lecturer. On a particular day, S. and I were walking past his office when he stood in the doorway of his office and stated that we were a corruption and an abomination since we were intermixing the races by our being together. I really could not understand this prejudiced statement until I learned later that he was an Indian Nationalist and did not like Indians mixing on any level. He died a few months ago and I am not sorry that such people have left the earth, they breed more hate and evil by the things they say and do.

After my wife and I got married we were bombarded with such comments as, "Where did you meet your husband, certainly he is not a Trinidadian?" Or they might just say, "So what part of the States or England are you from?" You see, no self respecting caucasian man from Trinidad would marry someone of East Indian ancestry. In this it was made quite clear that stereotypes existed which I never encountered before. Also, people would say S. married a white guy for money or position when that was not the case. Of course, many of these statements were made behind our back, no one was brave enough to say it to our face.

It was even worse when we went to England. There the Pakistanis and Sikhs looked down on us for daring to even be together. I remember one time we were on the subway when some Sikhs were watching us. Now, it is not the watching that bothered me, it was the look of disgust and murder in their eyes that struck me. When my wife and I had our children, people always considerd her the nanny or the maid, because the children came out fair and looked like me a lot. When they realized that S. was the mother they looked shocked and disdainful.

These are just some of the most racist and prejudiced things I have noticed because my wife and I are together. I know a lot of it is due to jealousy and hatred that we make it work and that we love each other. I have learned that people who are usually racist are some of the most unhappy people, that they are selfish and have huge insecurities. I also know that to be racist really locks one out from entering heaven or for that matter hearing God. I am very proud of my family and what God has put together and what other people think is of no consequence.

WHO GAINS IN A MARRIAGE?

GAY HUSBAND OR STRAIGHT WIFE?

I have been reading a lot of blogs recently and I observed something that my wife and I talked about a few times in the last 3 years. A lot of people ask the question about who gains from a relationship and what does the other person get out of it. For a long time I used to think that once you got married there was a sharing of both people and it was give and take, but that's not what the world believes in when a couple gets married. This is especially so in a marriage where one of the spouses is gay. I know because for a long time while exploring my sexuality everything was about me, only me and nothing else but me.

A lot of women who have found out about their husbands have been so traumatized by the whole emotional rollercoaster ride that it leaves them numb and trying to recover. In fact I know their lives are never the same; in fact they can no longer go back to a restore point or a new point for that matter. When they seek advice there are so many people who want to give it without even trying to understand what is happening. I find it a bit sad that when wives want to stay in a marriage where the other person is gay they are ridiculed, worse, they are looked down upon. A lot of people try to dissuade them and when they can't they attack them. There is no respect for their choice and there is certainly no forthcoming advice, since they are shunned and cast out for not leaving.

Of late I have noticed that a lot of women who were once married to or still are married to a gay man are asking the question, why did they get married in the first place when they knew that they were gay? Now, this is a really good question and one that I would encourage. However, the answers that these women get really show how selfish people are. I know because when it was me I gave a bunch of answers which were really about me. Here is the list:

I wanted to get married.

I liked her and we communicated well.

She is the only one that made me feel like a real man.

She completed me.

I loved her.

She made me happy.

She was the only person I could see myself with.

These answers are good enough and I am not doubting that is what people felt, I know I did. The problem is that they are all selfish statements, its all about what that person could do for them and not what they brought to the marriage. The question that should be asked is what did the man bring to the woman? how did he complete her life? and what are you now doing to improve her life now that the situation is in the open.

I have noticed that a lot of gay husbands become very self absorbed, the focus is all about their needs and their wants. Their wife is second place even though they say she is first. I have also realized that the guy's obsession with his new found sexuality is so important that anything the wife does and says is a hindrance to him pursuing what he wants. This selfish attitude leads to him saying that she should understand his suffering and pain as though his pain is far worse and that her own is insignificant. It's as though these men lash out at the wife for marrying them, for not allowing them the freedom to abuse her, to put her love in a dusty cupboard.

I observed this because I behaved like this for a long time. It was only when I truly submitted to God and the scales were taken off my eyes that I really saw how immature and childish I was behaving, how much I was hurting the one who loved me unconditionally. So why did you get married and who gains and who loses?

SCHOOL OR HELL ?

EDUCATION OR CONCENTRATION CAMP

As an adult I look back at my schooling and realize that it has done nothing for me, in fact the School System as it is set up in my country really retards a child from truly learning. Children like me who were well advanced for their age or were hyper-active just fell through the cracks since no teacher is trained or even has the patience to deal with us. Today it is even worse. We as parents seem to be raising thorough-bred racehorses. We force them to learn all the subjects in Primary School at such a rate even sending them for extra lessons to sit an exam that children end up never truly having childhood time. Even by the time they leave University we have no clue who they are.

I have watched so many children literally crash, and what is worse, they rebel so ultimately that the opposite of education occurs, the children prefer to stay dumb. Parents live out their lives through their children, hoping they could mold them so they would not make their past mistakes and embarrass them. There is such a push that if the child does embarrass them they feel ashamed and want to distance themselves from the child. Where is the love, the compassion, the upliftment from a parent that says that you will make mistakes in life but I will always love you and I encourage you to pick yourself up and try again?

Parents today forsake their responsibility as parents; they forget that God gave them special gifts as caretakers, one day they will be called to account. No, they give up their rights to the state and to the school; they don't want to take the responsibility for their child going astray. They prefer to blame the teacher, the school, the society, no one takes a good look at themselves. It's sad when I hear parents say that they had their time and they went through hell, but now their children have to feel what it was like to struggle. It is these statements that make my blood boil.

There are parents who do the opposite, those who spoil their children and don't even correct them. They are setting their children up for a great fall. The fact is there is need for a balance which is not being met at home or in the school. Teachers are not really paid well for all they have to do, especially the psychological problems children come to school with. These children use the school as a punching bag for all their frustrations. Yes, I would admit that there are many teachers who are delinquent, but those who work are punished, not rewarded, for helping.

Education is a trap, a game where to me crazy people, Frankenstein type people, experiment and in the process destroy children's lives. Here in Trinidad we have so called experts who read up on the latest model of education and then implement only part of what is read. Worse yet, when a policy is deemed a failure in the country they took it from, we are just now implementing it.

As for the officials, teachers quarrel about how badly behaved parents and children are, parents blame teachers for all sorts of problems in their children's life and of course the society blames the teacher for even the political mess and crime situation. How can any child do well in this system?

As for me, well the system said I was a problem and told my parents that I would never go anywhere. I was beaten by so many teachers that I had horrible nightmares for years. I was bounced from school to school and no one took an interest in me, except the occasional teacher who knew my parents. I finally settled down and began to improve when I was about 17 years old and since then I have proven all the skeptics wrong, since I went on to University.

The fact remains that no one really cares for what is best for a child, not even some parents. My wife and I have recently experienced so much uncaring in the system, which has left our children so traumatized that we have decided to Home School. I just want to say it was the best decision we ever made.

"ALPHA AND OMEGA"

"A NEW
BEGINNING
HAS BEGUN"

Daniel Gethyn has completed a journey in about 27 posts and whether people believe it or not is of no consequence, the story is true and is a testimony to what I have gone through and come out of. Now a new journey has begun and like the phoenix that rises from the ashes, only Almighty God could have done such a work in me. Now I know the world we live in will read these posts and scoff, laugh and even write to tell me to go and see a shrink, but then I did not really write this for anyone but myself, my personal diary.

It is really a good feeling to go back, read what you have written, and ponder the journey that began as a child and now is poised in a new direction. I am surprised because I never thought in a million years that I could write like this, but then it was not really I who was writing but God who guided and directed me. Through these posts, I have come to understand who I am and who God wants me to be. I know I am a man and a child of God, that I have been liberated from a whole set of chains that were pulling me down into the depths of despair and hell. I also know that I am alive and free to explore a true love, one that is God given with my wife.

Tonight I had a discussion with my wife, which was focused upon our relationship as it stands. What I have learnt is that we are not the same people as of a few years ago, heck a few months ago and our focus revolves around what God has for us. We know we love each other and are suited for each other but we also know that a lot of damage has been done and there will always be a difference in the love we have. This has to be so and what develops from here is good in itself, what God has created out of the ashes is something he alone is guiding and we are willing servants moving forward with Him. Many people would say, "Well, would it not be better to find someone else, to start over?", but for both of us there is no one else and even if we were to separate which I don't believe God has in mind, we would live our lives alone.

I know each day is a new day and it is worth it once God is in charge. The Holidays officially start today and I officially start a new life. There are still many posts to write but I will write when God directs. I don't expect anyone to believe in my beliefs or my convictions, as I said this was a journey for me and my wife to heal, to open up and to express myself where I was unable to before. Maybe my posts can help someone, maybe it will not but at least I know I am satisfied, no, contented with it.

I really want to say that the support I have gotten from my wife is beyond what words can say. I love S. and she is such a special gift, her dedication and undying devotion, trust and faith in God is also beyond explanation. Her Obedience to God is an inspiration and really breaks down walls and moves mountains. My children are also there for me and as we speak they are around giving the support and love as children do, they are so worth it.

Therefore, my friends, it's time to write in the present - what I mean is my posts from now on deal with new things and new events. Each day is an adventure and a new experience, but I am not alone because I have God.

Thus I close this book which was entitled, "ONCE UPON A TIME DANIEL WAS GAY"

PAIN AND SUFFERING

"WHAT I DID TO MYSELF"

The title of this post is an odd one but I am only writing this because it came to me while I was in my yard today. I was remembering all the pain, physical and emotional I have felt in the last few years. It is hard enough to write about all the things that caused my wife to be hurt especially since I was the one that did it. What I felt I should write is the pain that was within me and which caused so much suffering. Nevertheless, one thing I must say, and that is, I am not writing a post about torture, or one to make people depressed. I feel it is necessary, in order for me to move on, to confront all those things that occurred that made me feel bad and even sick.

Now in so many posts I have spoken about the pain my mother inflicted upon me, how the licks she rained down on me I can still hear at times and feel. That pain has left marks and I still have an image of my mother turning into a monster and trying to eat me raw. I still have physical marks from her, especially from her hands, which picked up anything in its path to make contact with my skin. However, what is worse is the emotional and psychological pain and damage she did to me. The number of horrible words that spewed out her mouth and how retarding they were on my development. The number of times she would literally say that I was good for nothing, a waste and even worse - that I should not have been born - are things that people go to shrinks for. I still remember her telling me I was her punching bag and she did this with so much pleasure that it seemed so unnatural and perverse. Then there was the pain of not knowing if she loved me or, for that matter, if any family member loved me.

I began to build a wall against pain and suffering, to become numb to it. I remember being the outsider in school and not having too many friends because I did not want them in my life - children could be cruel and the people I grew up with were. I always felt and still do that I did not belong to this generation, that I spoke about things, interests and feelings that no one else spoke about. Then I felt as though I did not belong, that I needed to leave this planet, that no one would or could understand me. I once loved a lot and expressed my feelings a lot but when family and friends make fun of you for this you learn to become hard and lose focus on what love was and is. These are the pains I grew up with and they were compounded by my father not being there and a brother who loved ridiculing me and finding me strange.

Betraying oneself is the worst thing and abusing oneself is loathsome. I did this to myself so many times and continued to do it after I got married. Putting myself down to make myself feel better was a way of life and it really made my life miserable. Pain and suffering came with my gay feelings and suppressing it made them worse. I know I never wanted to accept it and I know for me it was something that had to be expelled, not embraced. The hiding and the searching for answers were suffering enough but when I broke my marital vows and experienced gay sex, the result was even more pain. I betrayed the one I loved and in so doing destroyed many things that S. had dreamed and thought about. It really was killing her, what I was doing, and looking back at it now, I still see the pain on her face and the history that has been left behind by it. There is nothing good about it and I will never be proud of it. In fact, it still pains me in that I cringe when I think of what I did. I would also add here that anal sex and everything to do with sex between men is painful and really not good, for me that is.

Then there is the physical side to this as well as the spiritual. The more I hid the fact that I was gay and the secrecy of not ever wanting anyone to find out began to build in myself and I was suffering on the inside. This translated into stress and this began to physically affect me. I began to get headaches and acid reflux, I put on weight fast and lost it fast and the result was that I got sick all the time as my body could not take the stress. I added to the problem by committing adultery and the combination of hiding both my sexuality and my affair was too much for my body. One night I had an anxiety attack, which nearly became a heart attack and I was rushed to the hospital. Nevertheless, I still continued to hurt myself by ignoring the doctor and I added eating badly to the list.

I also had a new problem, my body was not getting rid of protein fast enough and it was settling in my kidneys. It resulted in kidney stones, which hurt me for long periods and when I passed them caused considerable pain. This pain is considered by many to be worse than a woman giving birth. I probably passed a stone at least once a year, but the pain that I got cannot be compared, I believe that this is as a result of stress, so the tests suggest.

So here I am relating about pain and I am sure there are many other people who could write about pain, whose stories are much worse. Pain also is what I was dishing out to my children, my wife and even my dogs; in my frustration and anger I took it out on them, in my distancing myself from God - I know was grieving Him and I know it spiritually disconnected me from his love for a while. I know the devil wanted me to feel pain and he inflicted it on me because I allowed him to, too. I know he had a good laugh at my expense and I do feel ashamed for my actions. I also believe that all my sickness is, in one way or the other, the result of evil and I know the devil would love to take me out of the picture to torment my soul in hell.

The thing is I could go on all night about pain and how unhappy I was and how unhappy I made people feel around me, but I have said a lot already. I know that I am no longer unhappy and I do feel contented, I am much healthier than I used to be because I no longer have that stress that hangs over me. In releasing my mother and dealing with being gay God has really healed me. I know there will probably be painful things in my future but that pales in comparison to what my wife and I have gone through . So out of pain comes health and we do have to remember we have the greatest physician in God and his son, Jesus Christ. I know now that I do not belong to this world but then I am here so I have to make the best of it and of what God wants me to do. I can no longer focus on the negative but what is good and right, which means what God wants, which is always the best for me.

OBSERVATIONS ON BEING GAY

"PERCEPTIONS OF HOMOSEXUALITY "

I have written a lot about my struggle with gay feelings and this post is just some observations from my experiences talking and interacting with gay men in Trinidad and Tobago. I am not passing judgment but relating some troubling things that I have observed. I know that God does not make a person gay nor does he want a person to struggle with it as though he enjoys the suffering of the person he created. I know too that God loves us all and he is not condemning me, as so many people are quick to do. As He is love, it is this love that overwhelms and destroys not only the gay spirits but once we surrender to Him, he removes every part of those feelings from our lives. I know many are skeptical about this and for a long time I wondered if he really did take away these feelings since I struggled with it for a long time. I had grown to believe that it was my struggle and my cross to bear in life and it was my duty to resist the devil and, as they say, "he would flee from you". However, it does not work like that and the way God works is very different from how our logical brain thinks.

I know many like me would like these feelings to go right away but I found it is a process and God really dealt with me by peeling away layer by layer all that was built up over the years. By and By, as I am sure you have read, he got rid of one thing after the other. It was only then that I could really understand how it was he worked and you know something, it was the only way that these feelings could go. Nevertheless, at the time all I could think about was my selfish desire for it to go now, and like any child who could not see the results right away I threw a tantrum, blamed God and got angry with him. The result was that like any child I wanted to teach Him a lesson for not giving me what I wanted, when the way He dealt with it meant that I would have no lingering feelings. I took every which way of dealing with it except surrendering to God and He allowed me to do everything before He said, "Okay, now are you ready to try it my way?".

Currently people look for all the answers elsewhere and really forget that we have a great physician in God. We no longer want to believe that God can do it; then there are those who want a quick fix and if it is too long in coming, we tend to give up and look for another cure or physical person to help us. The quick fix or immediate cure is what we want and we would sell our soul to the highest bidder to get it. Also when it takes too long we tend to generally move towards accepting it and then embrace it as normal, even saying that this is how it should be when it is not. We tend to silence, even kill that quiet voice inside of us that is saying, no, hold up, this it is not normal and we should not accept it. I can write this since I have gone through all these stages in my search for a way out.

Now, for a long time I could not accept that homosexuality was a spirit/ demon. I believed that it was just a temptation that you accepted and gave into, I for one never heard anyone especially Christian people ever mention that it could be demonic or that it could be that a person really listened to a spirit and accepted it. I did a lot of reading about being gay and all I read was that it was a vice or a biological/genetic anomaly. Yet, I always felt growing up that it had to be more than that, God did not make mistakes and to think that would mean that God was not all powerful and infallible. I know that he is a great God and that my anger and frustration at him was more out of him not taking it away than thinking he could not. I had read the Bible over and over especially about the destruction of Sodom and I just could not believe that it was just about homosexuality that he destroyed the city for. It was not until I really began to surrender to God that my eyes were opened to the fact that being gay is just a symptom of a deeper spiritual problem and that it is giving yourself over to evil and truly turning your back on God that really leads you to hell.

A lot of people would not even know when a Spirit is influencing them far less believe that demons exist, but the same way there are angels there are demons. Also this is not a physical war we are fighting but a spiritual one and every means necessary is being used, so why not a corrupting spirit, one that twists what God has created and gets a person to believe that he is really gay and interested in the same sex? But, let's go one step further, the person has to convince himself that it is from him and in him that these feelings are happening, he must get confused and think logically that this is normal that God must have made you that way. This grand design results in a person first resisting then giving in to the voice he/she thinks is their logical brain thinking. Once hooked and the decision is made to go ahead and try it you then convince yourself that this is what you want even though your whole being is crying out for you to stop. Like me. I resisted and then was weak enough to give in to that voice that said go ahead, test God, get him angry with you, dare him to fix it or stop you, which I did.

That was the day I really accepted that Spirit in and from that day my personality changed. The change was very noticeable to my wife since the lovable man she knew became cold and dark. I became an abusive and depressive person, one who was selfish and did not care for others. I noticed it myself and could not understand for the life of me when I became so uncaring and hurtful. Being selfish, to me saying I wanted everything and people must understand the suffering I am going through, that I should be allowed to go out and experiment, that my wife should put aside her feelings for me and that everyone should hear me, I accept the new me, like it or not. I wanted people to approve of what I was doing and looked to those who would agree while I blocked out those who showed concern or told me how destructive it was. I can write this now because I saw what I was becoming and all the time the true Daniel way slowly disappearing and what remained was a manipulative, self-seeking and dangerous person. The acceptance of my generational spirits, ones placed there in my life as a sacrifice for a family bent on power and wealth, was supposed to kill me in the end. But, my example is one way a spirit may affect the picture. I have come to realize that these spirits were sent to attach themselves to the most spiritually gifted, most talented people who had a lot to offer once they gave their lives to God, but then that was the devil's mission, to convince the world that homosexuality was a normal part of life and that people should curse God for making them feel conflicted.

Since I have been free of these spirits I have been trying to piece together a lot of what I have done and said and if it were not for God and my wife telling me, I would not believe that I had done such nasty things. In fact, I at one point came close to totally turning my back on God and being lost. Now these are some observations I saw in myself, but I have noticed some other things about homosexuality that I want to mention.

Now, while I was online chatting with gay men in Trinidad and Tobago there were many troubling things that played on my mind. There were many guys including myself who lied about who they were and I wondered how you could really start a relationship with anyone when it is based upon deception. This deception went way beyond the meeting point and I could not see how this could be good. Many guys who were chatting were not looking for a relationship but what they call "sex buddies" many of whom were happy just to have sex and move on to the next guy. There were no strings attached and no connections, it felt so inhuman and emotionless, unreal and scary. I wondered how anyone could be so cold and what about the dangers of STD's or AIDS. Then there were those who just wanted a notch on their belt, who believed in domination and control. These did not care about the feelings of others but wanted to hurt others in sex for physical and I suppose emotional satisfaction. It was scary what I was finding out and a world I really did not fit into, except that my new personality and the way I was becoming really did.

There were many men who liked to rope in guys and then use them to get money, or if they could blackmail them, into giving them things. Some guys, I was told, were dangerous. As for those who were emotionally involved, in that they were looking for that soul mate or long term relationship, well, in all the cases they spoke about how betrayed they were by guys who used them and moved on. I chatted with many of these guys who would give up all control of their lives to find that one person and in doing so opened themselves to being abused. The result was that they were emotionally scared and became reclusive and even suicidal. In some cases they became so obsessed that they stalked the person who broke up with them. This is what I observed and it was something not very positive or good. Yes, there might have been some nice people but overall looking back at this I saw nothing good about it and I should know since I was in the midst of it.

ADULTERY

"BETRAYING & REBUILDING"

I would admit that writing this particular post is not as easy as I thought it might be. In fact, I have put this off so many times, because the hurts and pains of betraying the person I love are still fresh. S. and I are still in the process of overcoming the most fundamental destruction of trust and a whole string of vows I made when we got married, including truth and love. I never though in a million years that I would betray my wife and in the worst ways, neither did I think I would ever betray the vows I committed to when I got married. However, I did break them and during that period of my life hurt the only one after God who cared for me the most. The pain and betrayal felt by S. went to the core of trust, comfort and love she had for me and it really shattered the ideal she saw in me. It also showed that a man who had the potential to be a great man of God could really reach rock bottom and come close to destroying the great gift I received in S. and my children. Yet, in one decision, I was willing, no, choosing to throw the gift of happiness away.

Now I am not writing this post to defend my actions nor to give an explanation or reason for what I did. I am writing this as a continuation of my life story and as a process of healing for both S. and I. I believe in some small way that writing this not only brings closure but also brings S. and I closer together.

When I was a teenager, I used to hear my mother and her friends talk about so many husbands who had mistresses, or what we call "deputies". I wondered why it was that these men married and then broke the vows they made to their wives. I heard about the pain and hurt it caused not only for the wife but also for the children involved. In school, it seemed to me that every other person in class had parents who had split up and I wondered if this was a new trend in life. I still believed that since my parents were together that neither my brother and I would become one of those statistics. I know I was a little too proud that "we were not like other people", but I believe that it was unfair to look down or to feel superior because of this. I did not wait long before it happened to me.

I know in a past post I related how I came to be the one who found out about my father's infidelity. The revelation really did not affect me right away as dad was never around that much and I never felt close to him. I did understand that he had betrayed my mother and like it or not he went out side of marriage, lied to mom and us and caused a lot of hurt to mom. Well, this is what I thought way back then, especially when my mother would cry about it or really lash out at us and speak about dad with a lot of hurt and pain in her voice. No one deserves to be betrayed like that and putting aside that my mother was not really a nice person, dad should not have done what he did if he was not happy, but then who am I to judge since what I did was worse. My dad left us for a year and visited occasionally, but before he left I always remember him coming into our room and lying about why it was he was leaving. I felt then that he should have told the whole truth including the piece that he and mom just could not get along, and his affair. I am surprised by the fact that I felt no emotion about it and all I said to myself was that when I got married I would never do that to my wife. I made a vow never to do this because I saw how devastating it was.

It was devastating since from then until I got married, I saw and felt the backlash from my mother. C. was constantly bitter and constantly saying that men were worthless, untrustworthy and were good for nothing. Dad bore the brunt of her anger and hurt which was understandable, but as the years rolled by she got even more bitter and she began to take it out on me, since in her mind I looked like my dad and I was her punching bag. I could say this since C. told me so many times. I remember mummy telling me that men could not commit and they were destined to be unfaithful, I really took this to heart since she constantly mentioned that I looked like my dad and his family and I would one day do the same thing. I made a conscious decision to prove this wrong; I believed that I could be more than faithful and that not all men committed adultery. After a year of dad being away he started to court my mother again and really pour out how much he regretted what he did to her. He bought her expensive jewelry and gifts, which was a way he showed how much he loved her. However, my mother's reply was that he needed to be punished and she would take him for every thing he could give her. Up to this day, and it has been more than 20 years, she still keeps him far away from her emotionally and they both sleep in separate beds. In fact, because she has never forgiven him she constantly reminds him of the infidelity he committed which I know plays on his guilt.

This is what I saw adultery as being and I really wondered if I was not destined, since I was a man, to do what my mom said men did. Now, the cult of "Machismo" really plays a major role in Trinidad and many men feel it is their duty to prove that they are virile and they do this by having many women. It is something they boast and brag about, so much so, that it is inculcated in every generation. I had made a vow not to have other women on the side; I always believed that if you could deceive your girlfriend and have another woman when you said you did not also meant you could continue this practice after you were married. Many guys found it fun to play this dangerous game of keeping the 3 or 4 girlfriends they had from knowing or catching them, "the player" or "horner man". I was very disgusted by this growing up and I could not understand if it was natural for a guy to do this or if it wwas peer pressure. Deep down inside I wondered again, was it normal to break one of God's major 10 Commandments, was I going to do such a thing to my wife? I thought to myself that I was a devoted guy and when I was with a girl I never looked at another woman, however I did look at guys but I told myself that it was not straying but resisting the cross I bore.

A few years after my mom and dad got back together, one of my uncles was caught by my aunt with another woman. My Aunt R. had been married to P. for many years and I really did not like him because he was one to flaunt money in your face and really look down on you. He treated my aunt as though she did not have a brain - berating her in public or when family was around. To show off, he would speak badly of people and there were many times the whole atmosphere would be tense. When he was not around, the family would talk about how annoying he was or how badly he was treating my aunt. There were many times we would spend time over by my aunt and my brother and I would find stashes of porn magazines and movies. They would be just right there in the open and later when he got internet, well you could just imagine what was on it. My mom once confronted him about it telling him to at least hide it from his children and hers. I remember everyone saying that with his obsession with sex, magazines and videos that he was going to be looking outside for excitement soon. They said this since he was no longer paying attention to my aunt. To make a long story short a few years later my aunt caught him with a woman and she told him to get out. However, he begged to be let back in and promised that he would change and not do it again. This did not last long since within a few months she drove to the woman’s home and caught him red handed. That was the end of their marriage, but what struck me the most was how devastating it was to my cousins who up to now have not gotten over it. In fact, many of their problems in maturity and socialization stem from the trauma. I really did not want to put my children if I had any through that and I really felt that I would not be capable of such deception, lies and hurt, but deep down inside I wondered if it weren't impossible for all men not to be weak to this flaw.

So when I got married in 1997 I was very proud of the fact that I had never "horned" anyone I dated, especially my wife. This was to change and I feel like such a hypocrite for saying that I would never do that. The decision to commit adultery and to hurt my wife was not one that I can explain with one word but I can say that my selfish nature had a lot to do with it. I know that my not talking or communicating my problems and allowing them to fester was also part of it because I had caused a distance to grow between my wife and me that resulted in me detaching my feelings from her. Also my concept of life was really messed up and I really can say that because I did not understand or care to understand what love was I was not prepared to share that love with anyone. This resulted in a cold and heartless individual who, when the pressure over his gay feelings could not be held in check anymore, snapped. I also know that I felt unworthy of S. and felt sure that she could do better; this made me want to do anything to push her away. Pushing her away in my mind meant doing the one thing I said I would not do and that was to commit adultery. Nevertheless, it's not as easy as that. I really had reached that point that my selfish childish feelings, ones I had suppressed for years, I allowed to be free. I did not want to share and I certainly did not want to care for anyone else except me. Every decision I made was done without including my wife - nor did I want to. I wanted my own way and S. was an obstacle to me being happy. I did also feel a loss, an emptiness, that something was missing, something that S. I felt could not fulfill.

For so long I had been a good boy, allowing myself to follow God without really submitting. My selfishness and my stubbornness developed into a rebellious and very angry person who really resented God and his love. I wanted as much as possible to rid myself of all the love and caring that he offered since my problems were not being taken care of. S. represented what God had to offer and I wanted out of my life because I really was on a destructive path, one that would lead me to hell - which mind you I felt I was heading towards anyway. So all these pieces came together in a lethal cocktail and I went against every vow and promise I made never to hurt, deceive or horn my wife. Deep down inside, that inner voice cried out for me to stop, telling me that the repercussions were disastrous, but I did not listen, I was hurting and I wanted to lash out and who better to do that to but my wife, the one who loved me the most. In my effort to tear myself down I tore S. down with me. I destroyed her trust in me and made her to some extent doubt God. I did what no other demon, family member, friend and enemy could do and that was to betray and hurt her. I felt guilty, very guilty and I hated myself even more. I told myself that my mother was right, that I was destined to do this, that I always was, and I would always do it again. What was worse in my mind, I did it with a guy, to make myself feel better I tried to make S. look like the enemy, and I did everything possible to get her so angry that she would lash out at me and do things that would justify my hating her. What added to this was my perception of women, it was my reasoning from seeing my mother in action, that women were all the same - that they would be cruel and unforgiving as my mother was. I really felt that S, could turn into my mother and I too was transferring all my anger and hatred I had about my mother on to S. as though she were my mother.

I know I said a lot of hurtful things and did a lot of selfish things. I could fill up two or three posts on what I did, but much of it can be found on the posts I wrote about my gay experience. I hurt S. so much that I destroyed everything she loved about me. How could she love someone who did not even know what love was, who could betray her and lie to her like that. I was a spiteful individual, one who said very nasty things to make her hate me. What husband, or for that matter, man, would do that to the person they are suppose to love. In doing this, I made her cry, I made her ache in her heart and I made her come to the point of hating me. What really was the buffer was God and his promise that we were meant to be together, but I would not take up my mantle of authority and become the man God said I would become. I had given into fear, fear that I could not be a good husband, fear that I was such a sinner that I could not be forgiven and fear that I could not become what God wanted me to become. I had made the decisions and the thoughts were all mine; being selfish became very overpowering and S. became a combatant and collateral damage.

I know deep down in my heart, even after all the hurt that I caused, that I loved S. and it was the only thing I held on to while I was confronting my demons in the last three years. I did want her but how after all of this could she love me again? I know I was truly sorry for all that I had done but how could I prove it, the fact that my track record did not prove this out was an obstacle that I felt could not be overcome. I first tried to do it out of myself, to really try to prove to her that I could be trustworthy and to prove my love. I had to know love, to feel love and to truly share love and I had to first start with myself. It was only at the beginning of 2006 that I truly surrendered myself to God and that wall I had built up to protect myself from being vulnerable began to tear down. I gave myself to God and I opened up to S. in a way that I had not done in my life. By doing so that spark and warmth I felt in my heart grew. Yet, my expectations and wants for my wife were unrealistic in the sense that I wanted her and loved her and, in a way, wanted to show her all of this and wipe away what I had done. S, needed to heal to really trust again, I understood that I was not the model of respect nor did I have trust down to a science. I really trusted God on this and listened to S. and really understood, whereas before I would not and could not. Once upon a time, we were so in sync with each other and then it was lost, now S. is getting to know a new man, and I a new woman.

I know how devastating what I did was and I do take responsibility for it, for a long time I felt sorry for myself and was always telling S. sorry. It did not change the fact that I committed adultery or that I hurt her in ways that I still am finding out from her. I do regret it but somehow I know that God is making a miracle out of the two of us, I know that our story is important and that our love is rising out of the ashes. I know in the deep core of my being that I love my wife, S. is not the enemy but a part of me and I love her. There is a lot of growing to go and every day is a new experience, a new exploration of our love. I know S. makes me feel again and I know God is building her up and creating in her a new love for that man of God he is creating. A lot of pain, suffering and torture occurred, all by my hands and yet somehow I know God would have it no other way in bringing his children together. One thing I can tell you and S. could as well, is that all through this, even when I refused to hear God, one thing that came through clear was that he had joined us together and we could not separate ourselves except through him.

TO BE GAY (PART 3)

"EMBRACING MY VALLEY OF DARKNESS"

My story is nearly at an end but it is far from over. The last of this is Daniel Gethyn embracing his fears and hurts and becoming a man. I must say that for many including me facing your darkest fears is something that we would prefer to run from. However, taking them on with God is so much more of a relief and you become bold and fearless in the face of the adversary. I could not come out of this without God nor could S. and I be one again without Him. I am ever in debt to my wife for being so obedient to God and sticking by my side through all the hurt I put her through, I can never repay her in this life time but I could only be her true and honest mate.

When I went back on the internet for a second time, I was really devastated especially since I swore to myself I would never do this again. I wondered how many chances God gave a person and if I could be forgiven for this a second time. One thing I knew was I did not want a relationship because I had a great one with S. Therefore, I again joined Outpersonals, Face-Pic, Gaydar and some new ones like Metrodate and Adultfriendfinder. I first met a guy called S. C., who I hit it off with and he sounded very attractive. I was very deceptive and lied very good, I was able to convince him that I was interested in more than just a hok up and I talked about how much I wanted him even though at this point I was only thinking of having sex. It seemed so easy to play to peoples emotions and I had realized from early, including in me, that a lot of gay guys are desperate for the love and attention, to the point that they could be easily minipulated by other men. I had told S. C. about being married and having children and this was O.K. with him, but i started to recognise that he was a bit demanding and obsessive. Even before my wife caught me a second time I was getting warning signs that S. C. was a bit "Stalkish" and I was looking for ways to get out of the chating with him.

I had begun to approach being gay very differently than before, I was obsessed with how I looked and I kept trying to lose weight. My obsession with weight led to me losing it very fast and S. noticed it right off. I did not have to wait long before S. caught me, since this time I sent her an email from one I had set up for chatting with guys. I know deep down inside God had me make that mistake. I remember S. sitting me down in the Computer room and asking me about it and I as usual being a fool denying it when she had the evidence. S. was again betrayed and again I was lying and fooling her, she wanted me to explain the e-mails to this S. C., which I could not because I really had no feelings about it even though the words I used sounded so true and deep. I remember S. telling me I used such words on her in love letters, but one thing I knew was those were real words and I never lied about how much I loved her. When I told S. C. that i could not meet with him or have a relationship, one he desperately wanted and which I did not want to have, he got very upset. I do understand and it really looked like I was playing him, in the end I used the excuse that my wife would not let me go and I could not leave my children. I did make my wife look very bad as though she was unfair and would use blackmail to keep me trapped. This was unfair because it was really painting my wife in the eyes of other as a manipulating and conniving woman, which was not true and showed my disrespect for her. This was an issue that really hurt her in the e-mails she found and one which I know I used to get rid of this guy but did not mean, however, I was thinking only of myself and not the feelings or reputation of my wife who had done nothing. S. C. became very abusive after that tracking me down on different sites and e-mailing me and even calling me to get together with him, in each case I said no, and after a while he stopped. Honestly, I was not being nice to anyone and was very selfish.

This time around, S. could and did not want to hear me out and I could understand that. S. noted she would only wait on God to tell her what to do. I expected the worst and prepared myself for either a marriage where we only took care of our children or a divorce. I looked to the future and saw myself in a number of gay relationships ending up with me dying of AIDS or killing myself. I did not think I had a good future especially since I had rejected God and my marriage for a second time. However, S. wanted to know as well as I on which side of the fence I stood so instead of stopping what I was doing I continued. S. did not want to know and yet she did. I met two guys after that one called E. who wanted to masturbate the first time we meet and who had found out that my brother was going around telling people that I was gay. One thing I recognized was that a lot of the guys in Trinidad are into a lot of games and many of them are into dominating other guys and getting a notch on their belt. I really did not enjoy this act and I felt very used, for one thing, I never got an erection or was able to “come” as they say. I came home disappointed and yet happy that I felt nothing and I told S. about it. There were a lot of arguments and fights as I still wanted my own way and my selfish desires were ruling my head. I was not putting S. needs first or thinking about her, as I should. I could understand now when she said then that I did not love her or care to serve God.

These are really fighting words and I went out to prove that I am Gods and I would serve him fully, but I was a stubborn guy with a one track mind, I could only think of my desires and how I could fix things. I was again aroused by naked men and gay sex acts and I desired to become a dominated guy by some man. I was surprised at what I wanted in my profile I said I was versatile yet I wanted some guy to dominate me in sex. This was very new and I did not like how it felt since I was an independent person very self-assured and who took charge of things. However here I was wanting a man to be in control of me and I did not fight this new urge, I even liked my wife S. to dominate me which she did not marry me for. I allowed guys to tell me what my body should look like, down to even shaving myself because it would be attractive to a guy. My wife recently told me that seeing me do that killed any feelings she had left for me and that she thought that our relationship was at an end. A lot of things were playing out and I was starting to backtrack from wanting to experience a sexual encounter in case I liked it and decide to be gay.

I then met a guy on Face-Pic called S. T. who I struck up a conversation with, we spoke for a few weeks and he noted that he did not want a relationship but a good sex session. I meet him and he seemed cool enough, we showed each other our dicks and felt each other up, but then I felt odd about having sex with him right there in the car. I said goodnight and took my leave, we promised to meet again one night to have sex. In the mean time, I chatted with a lot of guys but I began to really lose interest. I know that it was really me who was being a coward and not going through with it, even when the S. guy called one night for us to meet I told him I was not interested. I even started to get off some of the sites I was on, but then my wife intervened and God used her to really show me how I was sabotaging myself and what God was asking me to do. I really wanted to be free of this once and for all and I contacted S. T. again and a week later he called and I meet him in a car park. I got into his car and we took off our clothes, now I did not feel good about having sex in a car since there have been many cases in this country of the police arresting and charging gay men for buggery. He felt me up and he then put on a condom and lubricated my bottom, he then entered me. I had told him about how it hurt the last time but either he forgot or he did not care because it began to hurt when he tried to penetrate me and when I told him, he tried harder. The pain was so intense that my stomach began to wrench and I wanted to vomit. I then told him to stop and he seemed not to want to, luckily, I was forceful on the issue and instead I gave him a blowjob. I always wanted to know what sperm tasted like and when he came in my mouth it tasted like raw egg, I began to heave and vomit and had to use tissue to put what I brought up in it. I came home knowing two things, one that the experience was horrible and that I was not made to be gay. The experience cured me of ever wanting to have sex with a guy far less give a guy a blowjob. In every way, my wife was far superior and better and I more than appreciate and respect that, it was just very sad that I had to find out by committing adultery twice.

I told my wife what happened and how I felt and that I was really over this because I was so disgusted at how I felt and what it felt like. S. and I really sat down and talked about our future, there were a lot of hurdles to over come and it would take a long time. Even so, I continued to block out what I did and not answer questions S. would ask. I would become defensive and tell her she should not bring up what I did since it was too painful. I really was belittling her feelings and by not discussing it made it seem trivial. After we prayed about it, I recognized once again that I had a second spirit attached to me and whose main goal was to make me into a dominated and used individual. Its mission like all spirits was to destroy my relationship with God and my wife. It too had a name, and called itself “Thaddeus”. Once it was expelled, I felt lighter and more confident than I ever was before, yet I as did S. knew that it might not be over. I still was hoping that it was but only time would tell, this was the second time I was being a prodigal son.

Within a year like clock work the feelings for men returned but this time it was just curious feelings to hug a guy and to touch his chest. I still dreamed abut giving a guy a blowjob and once or twice I had urges to give it to a guy instead of him giving it to me. For most of that year I struggled to serve God and rebuild a relationship with my wife because I just would not submit to his authority. Now my wife is a spiritual woman and does not make a move without God and within that year she grew to be so strong and independent in God that she did not even need me and rightly so. God gave me so many ultimatums through her and in each case I disobeyed or did my own thing. I was just rebellious and stubborn but once I was told that I could not serve him of my own free will something snapped. I had tried every which way to get rid of my gay feelings without God and in the last attempt had to really embrace my demons to put the issue to rest. This time I was not going to allow myself to sabotage myself, I truly submitted and began to open up to God and my wife. I told her how I was feeling that I was getting thoughts of men again but that this time they seemed controllable. S. and I knew God had brought it up to be dealt with, so I went back on to the internet, but this time I had God and my wife at my side.

Every decision I made was with God, I joined about 10 personal sites including some new ones like Guyparty and Adam4Adam, and as best as possible told the truth, I even put my picture. I got a lot of mail and chatted with a lot of people but there was no one I truly felt attracted to or thought I could be with. I had a lot of dreams of guys but I never got a wet dream or felt the need to masturbate except once. I met a few of the guys, I found them attractive and I chatted with them but I never felt aroused by them or the need to be with them. One guy called D. M. came close to being the perfect image of what I wanted in a guy but he became very needy and so passive that I felt that a person could take advantage of him. In the mean time my desire for my wife and my response to her was growing overshadowing any feelings I had for guys. It reached a point that while I was chatting with a guy I would be thinking of her and wanting her. I would fantasize about her and really look out for her at home. All of this occurred since January and I must say that I desire her more and more every day. I was getting very bored with checking out men and I actually felt the few sites I paid for were a waste of money. It was in April that I truly recognized that a naked guy or two men having sexual intercourse had no effect on me and of my own free will and of course checking with God and my wife I came off each in stages. God even gave me the opportunity to tell a lot of the guys I had met and been with over the last 3 years that I was truly over this, in this way I had closure.

Today I do not have to worry or fear that I would have gay feelings again, I know that I am not interested in men, good-looking or not. I am not aroused or have a curiosity for any thing sexual for a man. In a way what God had me do was far more successful in helping me over come my torture and suffering that I had since 14. There were two more spirits in my life one called Jerome and another Roussel both of whom were very ancient and were hand me downs from many generations ago. These Spirits were passed down as a sacrifice to the devil to keep the rest of the family prosperous while the person plagued with homosexual thoughts would suffer. Now, as I said many who read this would think well he has got to be mad and if I were of this world I would think so as well. People would scoff at what I have to say or just say it was all made up, but God is my judge and I know there are a lot of people out there who know it's true, but most of all my wife knows it's true and she is more important than what others think. Therefore, this is my story and my experience do with it what you want and think what you want to think, but just know that once Daniel Gethyn was gay.

TO BE GAY (PART 2)

"DESTRUCTIVE PATH"

The path Daniel Gethyn took from the time he made that final decision to have a sexual encounter, I know was a path that would lead to the unraveling of his life, as I knew it. I had reached a point where my mind would and could not work out how to deal with my gay feelings, I still refused to ask for help from my wife and now I just wanted to be alone, to no longer care, feel guilty or remorse for things and thoughts I suppressed from 14 years old. I really decided that I would lose everything and pursue this because I could not take it any more. I wanted to do what I wanted and if God wanted me, He would have to do an intervention. I felt as though something was missing inside; that a part of me was missing and I needed to find it. My gay side I felt was not being met and maybe this was what needed fulfillment. I was not happy with my life and I was very depressed especially since I should have been happy with my wife and kids. Instead, I wanted to run away, to be left alone and to not see the faces I loved being hurt by me. The more I betrayed S. and my children the more I died inside, I suppressed the remorse and tried my best not to feel. Yet, I knew S. loved me so much and was putting up with so much indignity and abuse from me. How much I wanted to repair the damage but could not, how much I wanted to die and find her a really good man who could take care of her properly. I was actually killing all trust between us and the lies destroyed all that my marriage stood for.

I meet a guy called S. S. who lived in North Trinidad, who, I decided to meet; he was an attractive guy who I was interested in. I met him twice, telling my wife I had work related business to see about. I decided I would try out my desires on him if he asked. S. S. wanted us to show each other our dicks and compare how large they were, I found it odd and later found out he was into voyeurism. It was my first time exposing myself to a guy, especially since the only person I said I would do this with was my wife. I was very uncomfortable and could not even get an erection, when he asked me if I wanted to give him a blowjob I complied because I fantasized about this. I always wondered what a penis would feel like in my mouth and the though of it aroused me, so when I put it in my mouth and sucked I was surprised, because I did not find it very stimulating. In fact I was wondering when I would start enjoying it, in the end we were interrupted and I left. The feelings I got after ranged from confusion to remorse. I felt dirty and also sickened by my slutty behaviour, I had never been so bold in sex before and I did not know if I liked this new me at all. I hoped that the next experience would be better but deep down inside this was not making me feel happy, in fact, I tried my best to suppress all thoughts that said that this was not satisfying.

The guy S. S. did not want to meet me again and I went back on the internet and contacted and met about 3 other guys, yet in each case I was not interested or what they were looking for was not what I was looking for. I had lied on my profiles about my name and age, because in Trinidad, giving out your true identity would lead to you being blackmailed or worse losing your job; lying and deception was the name of the game. There were some who were out but when you heard what kind of horror stories they went through you preferred to be in the closet. In fact I was very fearful of my family and work finding out, so much so that I tried as best as possible to keep my identity secret. However, as I got more and more involved in the Gay world I threw caution to the wind and gave out my name and my picture to a few people. I gave my wife so many excuses and I know S. was wondering what was going on with me. I did worry about getting AIDS or some form of STD and I did not want to make love to my wife fearing she might contract it from me. I tried as much as possible to be careful but after the experience with the guy called S. S. I was worried all the time, but did I stop, the answer was no.

My strained relationship with my wife got worse and I did not even want to pray or do the shared responsibilities, more and more S. had become both father and mother to our children and even head of the household. I did nothing in the house but go out and spend my time on the internet, in fact, what I was becoming was an abusive bum taking advantage of my wife's love and devotion. I know from all the fights with S. that I was really hurting her and I was not making it any better. I was killing her slowly and I also know she cried a lot about it and yet I continued feeling pushed to see this out to the end. One way or the other I was going to be done for, death and hell. Then I met a guy called D., he was 10 years younger than me and as I got to know him, I felt we had a lot in common. D. was into having a lot of conversations and I liked his personality, I did lie to him about my not being married or having children because I decided after chatting with him over the internet that I would like to have a relationship with him.

I met him a few times in the mall close to me and after hitting it off, he told me he would not mind getting together with me. I began to compare him to my wife and I really deluded myself into thinking that they were both alike. In fact, I was starting to wonder if I was now complete, that I had my wife the female part I was comfortable with and wanted and this guy D., which completed my desire for a guy. I met and finally told him that I was married and I thought well that was it because he told me he did not want to be with a married guy. That night I really decided that I would stop and not proceed with this anymore because it really was destroying me inside and my wife. Trying to be with a guy was harder than dating a girl, more dramatic, deceptive, emotional and painful. Then D. contacted me and said he was still interested and let's make a go at it, I asked him if he was sure and he said yes. I felt happy and sad at the same time, I was pursuing this, which seemed to make me happy but deep down inside I was not.

D. and I went out on a few dates and to cover myself I told my wife that he and I were good friends and that it was about time I had male friends. I even turned it round on her and told her she was not being fair to me and she was not giving me my space. This was really not fair since S. was always tied to the house and I really did not take her anywhere anymore. When I left home in the night, my children would ask my wife if I was ever coming home. They sensed something was very wrong. In fact looking back now I can see how my selfish pursuit of a gay relationship was having a devastating effect on my two boys, they became very insecure and I caused a wedge between myself and them when it came to having a relationship. In addition, the many fights they witnessed really affected them and my not wanting to listen or hear them caused them to seek S. out instead of me. I would discuss all my frustrations to D. and I really demonized my wife trying to make myself find ways to hate her so I could push her even further away. I really know now that I wanted to push myself away in the process and in doing so, I isolated myself and her from me.

It was on my third date with D. that we kissed and it was actually not too bad, however I did compare it with my wife and found our kissing far superior that with D. D. would ask me every time if it was good and I would say yes but there was something missing and I really did not feel comfortable about what I was doing. I convinced myself that it would get better, that I had waited so long that it had to get better. I found myself with D. in his room and we took our clothes off and touched each other, felt each other and kissed each other but we never had sex. The feeling was good and I did like the physical pleasure it brought, I always wanted to know what it was like to sleep alongside a guy, to feel his chest and his crotch on me and even though it felt good, I found I again compared it with my wife. I did feel far more contented with her than what I was doing with D., but again this was a guy and I felt that it would feel different. I know that D. sensed something because he was always asking me if he was good and what was worrying me. I covered it up by saying I had a lot on my mind and that I was worried about my wife catching me and what she would do. D. and I had a lot of conversations and this was fun and I really felt that things were o.k., for the first time in my life, but yet again how could it be, having to deal with balancing a marriage and an adulterous affair.

I remember asking my wife if it were possible to love a man and a woman in the same way, I knew the answer would be no and deep down inside I knew it was not natural. I was slowly losing all sense of reality and my spiritual connection was lost at these moments, in fact, I was becoming very debased and illogical. Inside my heart was still aching and I could not understand why, I did everything to suppress my pains and concentrate on how much pleasure I was getting from a guy. I would admit making love to S. was different as my focus was elsewhere and I really felt like I was corrupting her. Yet when I did make love I was in the moment and I did not ever thing that I would prefer a man. However, there were times when I was with D. that I had to close my eyes and imagine I was with my wife. Then the night came when D. and I decided we would have anal sex, I bought the condoms and the lubricant and after we went out he carried me to his room. We took off our clothes and he put the condom on and he lubricated my bottom, then as he was sitting I got on top of him and he tried to penetrate me. The experience was painful and it was not going anywhere, in fact, he tried a number of times and in every case, he got nowhere as it was painful for me and I really made my case about the sickening feeling I was getting . We finally stopped, he never really penetrated and he said we would try another time, we ended up masturbating each other and I went home very unhappy about the whole thing. I actually sensed that this would happen and the masturbation was no better that when I went to the bathroom to do it myself. In fact, I really could say that sexual relations were so more natural with my wife and certainly not painful. I sat down wondering what the hell I was doing and when would this stop. From here, a lot of things changed, as I was desperate to prove to myself that choosing to follow up on my gay feelings was worth it and also begging God to stop me. I actually wanted S to catch me at this point and I began to get sloppy in hiding things. There were many times she would ask me if anything was going on between D. and I and I would lie and say nothing was happening. I know too, that S. was giving me the opportunity to tell her but I kept closing doors in her face since I knew it would be a painful truth I was telling her and I still wanted to protect her from the devil I had become.

The relationship with D. began to change since I found he kept talking about other things including his studies more that he talked about us. I also talked more about my life and not us. I desperately tried to hold his interest having him masturbate me while driving or parking in dangerous places and again masturbating. However, I began to feel like a slut and I also felt I was making a fool of myself and totally humiliating my wife. I also felt D. was using me for rides and money. I even did the most disgusting thing by taking my wife to help me pick a gift of a teddy for D. In my obsessed mind, I wanted to bring the two halves together and having S. pick a gift for D. was like combining the two, also my wife’s likes and choices were the best and I superimposed those on what D. would like. In the end, I convinced myself that both had the same taste. This was utter nonsense when I look at it now and it was also an attempt to hold on to a dying relationship with D. Finally I got my wish, when S. could take it no longer, God took her to an email I had sent to D. which was very devastating since I talked about my wife in the most negative and hurtful way.

It was while at work I got the call I was waiting for and knew was coming, S. just asked literally how long was this going on for and like all husbands who are caught in an affair I lied and told her it was not what it looked like and nothing was going on. I remember leaving work and heading home panicking and wondering what to do and what to say. There was nothing I could do but lie or tell the truth and yet I still wanted to lie to keep S. from fully knowing what I had done and getting hurt. However, when I got home S. was so angry but calm and I knew God was also guiding her, she was hurt and like anyone who has been betrayed they lashed out. I tried to lie and say it was not bad and I did not have sex, very stupid I know since adultery is adultery. I know I did not want to leave but I asked S. anyway, I remember everything, S. poured out all that she felt and how could I do this to her. I really felt like the devil and knew that I had destroyed the one thing I loved. S. said that if I wanted my marriage and her I had to get over my cowardly behaviour and tell my mother what I had done. Now I had feared this all along, that is, anyone knowing about me, but I knew I loved S. and I would do anything to save my marriage. So I did something S. told me later she thought I would never do and I called my mother and told her. What surprised me was how my mother wanted to know if I loved the guy and not how S. was doing. S. had called D. and spoken to him about the affair and asked him if he knew what he was doing. Now I had lied to D. and told him that I did not have children and I was again bold when S. suggested to me that if I were really serious about us I would really end the affair with D. This I did willingly since I wanted my marriage and S. It is very interesting to note that before I would have done anything to be with D. but when it came down to the crunch I knew where I belonged and that deep down inside I wanted out of the mess, all I needed was ultimatums, but then why did it have to come to this, why did I have to be forced to do the right thing. Also, in one phone call from my wife, all my gay feelings left me as though they were never there.

Now, I want to take some time in another post to talk about my adultery so what I write here is about my gay feelings and experience. At this point S. and I sat down and I talked, S. wanted to know what was it that led me to this and I really could not answer since I was at a loss. I was also deep in remorse and feeling very sorry for myself. I could not answer a lot of questions and added to which I did not want to since I felt I had to protect S. from the truth. The only thing was that God was in the picture and He really showed her in many different ways what I had done, so in the long run I just said yes to everything. A few nights later, I was really feeling hopeless and wanted out, I called S. and we talked all night, in the process and a lot of crying I felt a lot of resistance and my inner self fighting against what I really wanted to do, that was to be honest. I really began to pray about it, renouncing my gay desires and all that I was. I felt a weight lift off of me and I actually could for the first time in years feel free. At that moment, I just knew that a gay spirit had been influencing me and slowly taking over, but I also knew he had a willing partner in me. I could now explain that suppression of my real me, the way S. looked at me and said that it was not her husband, the childlike immature individual and the hurtful person I had become. There were many days that I could not explain my actions far less what I did and there were many questions I could not answer because for the life of me I did not know why I did it. But from what I have said so far you can see in so many ways the person I had become was so unnatural, unreal and not very nice. It was a person I did not like but felt controlled by. The only individual that could help and did to get rid of this spirit was God. The Spirit even had a name, which was “Hector” and this spirit was a domineering, controlling and fornicating being that was just out to hurt and cause destruction through me. It explained why there were long periods of time when I did not feel gay feelings and when I did. I understood that that spirit was there for a long time and it also explained why it was that in every generation in my family there was that one person usually the most gifted and intelligent who became gay. I recognized it as a generational spirit one passed down to the next generation. It was after really renouncing it and crying out to God that I felt free from gay feelings.

I made a promise to S. that I would tell her if it came back and I would be honest with her from now on. I did feel that I was free and that I could devote all of myself to S., I came off of all the gay personal site and S. and I told every one we knew so that the devil could not use the fear of people finding out. Many people were supportive or just could not believe that S. would stay with me and many secretly were happy that I had hurt S. In fact, I look back now and really recognize the many family members and friends who were angry and even jealous that S. and I wanted to work it out. Today they no longer speak to us and we are very happy for it. I was happy to be once again free to love S. and also to try to repair all the hurts, betrayal and mistrust I had caused. I knew also I was that Prodigal Son come back home and that God had forgiven me. I knew also it would take S. a long time to even share with me far less trust me, I knew it would be a long uphill battle to win her back. One thing I did know was I loved her and the children and I would do anything to save us, I also knew that she was the only one for me and we were really meant to be together. I remember S. asking me about this and it was the one thing I was sure about. Yet even though I was assuring S. of the fact that all my gay feelings had gone deep down inside I was still not to sure, I kept wondering if it could come back and I was really scared of allowing a spirit in and becoming a monster again. Nevertheless, I ignored this and I even did a blood test to make sure I did not contract an STD, it came back negative to the relief of S. and me.

For a full year everything seemed o.k., there were many obstacles to overcome but with God we were getting by. However, I still wanted to deal with things on my own and be the hero and man S. would be proud of. I had destroyed the image of an honest good husband and betrayed all positive things about me that she had though I was capable of. I refused to allow myself to truly surrender to God and here lay the doorway for the devil to enter. S. was quite aware that there was the possibility of me doing it again and it was S. who kept saying it could, but I refused to see it or recognize the signs. Then after a year of freedom from gay/straight conflict, I began to have erotic dreams about men. I did not know what to do since I had promised it would not come back, to tell S. now meant that I had lied or fooled her into believing I was free. I could not believe it was a spirit this time and I was really wondering if it could be truly biological, or was I fooling myself into believing I was really serving God. I made up my mind this time to have one sexual experience, one that would prove once and for all that I did not like it, that it was unnatural for me and that it was all in my head. I already knew I did not really enjoy it and I knew my wife satisfied me in so many ways that a man could not, but I had to know. I was really angry and felt God was playing with me or worse that I had given in a second time to the devil and I was damned. So many thoughts ran through my mind and I did not dare go to S. for fear that this time she would leave me for sure. I really misjudged her and it really said I did not trust her, how could I have a relationship with this wonderful woman if there was mistrust between us. I decided that once I had the sexual experience I would come home and be happy knowing I was right and I was not gay, that it was all in my head, I did not need to tell S. I said. Yet, somehow I was listening to a voice that was not mine one that was very deceptive but thought it was me and once again I accepted it and made some really terrible decisions, decisions I alone can take responsibility for. So, I went back on to the internet and joined a lot of personals, this was the second time I was committing adultery and again hurting my wife.

TO BE GAY (PART 1)

"GAY DESIRES"

I have been thinking long and hard about this post and I am really depending on God to carry me, Daniel Gethyn through to the end with this one. The reason being that a lot of pain and emotional hurt bubbles up to the forefront of my memories, especially since it has hurt the one I love the most, my wife S. I know I was gay and as I noted in a previous post came to terms with it and accepted that I was since 14 years of age. For a long time I did not want to admit and accept it, because I felt that to do so would entrench me into a category and a sexual orientation that I would not be able to escape from. I know this is not true and I am living proof that a person can overcome being gay, not by oneself but with the help of God. I also know there are many skeptics out there and many will try to say that, "it's in my head", "you can't escape it", "it's biological" and that "I was never gay in the first place" and a host of other explanations for why I was not, even the one that it "was vice and you just wanted to try something new", but my experience was real and what I write below is my experience of being gay.

One point I should clarify is that I believe and know from experience that Homosexuality is a spirit and it does affect people, I know since four particular gay spirits, each having a name, influenced my life. Yep, and now people will say I am mad, out of touch with reality and suffering with multiple personalities. The fact remains I am not here to defend myself but to relate my story and how with God's help I was able to overcome being gay.

O.K. now that that is out of the way, let's start. In a previous post I spoke about my gay feelings up to the point where my wife and I were about to get married and I touched upon the subject in my relationship with God. Here I want to proceed with my experiences from that point and relate to you each aspect of my life. The next question is where to start, I think it best to say that after I got married I did not have much of a struggle with gay feelings for about 2 to 3 years. I was very happy with knowing that my wife could satisfy me and I her, my full attention was on making my marriage work and spending time with my new wife. As I said, I always wanted to have a wonderful wife and a beautiful happy family and this was the start of a wonderful dream I had. S. was the best of the best and I found her beautiful, exciting, intelligent and fun. I did not worry about my attraction to guys because S. filled up all my mind and needs. Experiencing lovemaking was out of this world since I had waited until I got married to explore sex and it was a wonderful experience. I however, did fear that the gay feelings would rase its ugly head and mess up what I had and this made me feel at time insecure as I wondered if I would lose sexual desire for S. or worse when I least expected it, I would be totally swamped by gay attractions and desires that I would no longer be attracted to S.

Life was good for a while. Like all couples, we had our ups and downs in the first few years but what made it worse was the fact that both of us did not have any positive support from our respective families. We went through hell with them, and this is putting it very mildly. I settled down to enjoy my wife and start a family something I had always dreamed of and wished for but thought was a distant untouchable desire. Now, I know I did not rush into marriage nor did I marry S. to hide the fact that I was struggling with gay feelings. As noted in many other posts of mine there were many deep-seated issues I was not dealing with including trust issues and I did not communicate, as I should have to my wife. In so doing, I broke one of the first vows I had made to be honest and it was devastating to S. I felt responsible for being head of the household which I always grew up believing a man should be and added to this our financial situation when we got married was not the best and I was taking it on to such levels that I worried morning, noon and night about it. As noted I also was not putting my faith in God's hands, trying to take on all the responsibilities on my shoulder without involving my wife in anything.

Ideas of escape from my life started to pop into my head but I felt guilty about it and suppressed these thoughts. Things changed when our first son was born and I was really happy and looked forward to our family and really making it. It was just when I had begun to believe that everything was all right with me that I began to have dreams of being attracted to men and having sex with them. When I awoke from these dreams, I use to believe that it was the devil tempting me to see if I would give in, but I just prayed about it and left it in God's hands, never really dealing with it or talking to S. about it. These dreams began to become more regular leading to "wet dreams" which lead to me secretly going and cleaning myself and not saying anything. I felt really guilty for not being able to stop myself from having these dreams and I did not understand why after I placed the problem in God's hands that I was still being tormented by this.

I know I began to withdraw and got very depressed about it and still I would not say anything. Sometimes I would tell S. about one of the dreams and say it was probably the devil testing my faith but that was all. I know this was becoming a problem and in my frustration I lashed out at S. so much we had major fights. I felt dirty at times and this got worse as the feelings for men got stronger. When I watched a movie or a show where a man was naked or had his shirt off I would get very aroused, to the point that I would have to hide an erection, this occurred when I watched “Queer As Folk”. I felt something had to be very wrong with me since I was attracted and wanted my wife and at the same time wanted a man. I was so confused since I know I was not attracted to any other woman and did not want anyone else, yet I was being pulled in a direction that led down to a deep dark place. I cried out to God so many times about it and at the same time, I hid all this from S. hoping beyond hope I could still suppress and that one day it would go away. It did not and instead when I went out and a good-looking guy walked by I would check him out feeling all these physical attractions towards the guy. Sometimes this occurred when S. was with me and I really began to not only feel guilty but also dirty, to me it said that I was straying and committing adultery in my mind. I would begin to fantasize about men and being with them sexually, I desired to have anal sex and to give a guy a "blowjob". I wondered what it would be like to kiss a guy and to sleep with a man, and the more I suppressed this the more it would come to the forefront of my mind.

The result was I pulled away from my wife, not because I did not desire her because I was attracted to her and could have sexual intercourse without a problem but because I felt that all this was contaminating her in some way. I did not want to corrupt her because I had placed her on a pedestal, but in doing so I had made her in my mind such a untouchable subject that I was never worthy of her. I began to belittle myself, putting myself down for everything I did, this reached proportions that S. noted that I was abusing myself. Nevertheless, I actually seemed to think that if I made myself not worthy it justified my actions and feelings. I began to become so angry with myself for not resisting the temptations and I got angry at God for not taking it away, for so long I had kept it in check, I never allowed my desires to bear fruit and I really felt it was unfair since it was affecting my happiness.

Many selfish thoughts were running through my mind and I was starting to believe that I was fighting against myself and my nature. I really wondered if this was not my destiny and I should just give in since I was probably going to hell anyway. Then in 2002, I got a chance to study for 6 weeks in the United States, this offer was a scholarship and it meant I would be away from my wife who was pregnant with our second child. I really began to be selfish and give in to all those inner demons, which prodded me to think of myself and to look after number one. I began to feel numb and really hate myself and in doing so, I began to hate everything that was good around me. I wanted to push my wife away because I wanted her to leave me, I was no good to her or myself and I really thought she could do better. While away I felt liberated and free, independent and bold but not in a good way. I saw a lot of gay couples in Washington and in other parts of the United States and I really began to convince myself that it was a natural thing to be gay, maybe it was really biological. I snapped inside, I was angry with God and myself, my wife for marrying me, with the world, my parents, I wanted to be selfish for a change and I wanted to experience a sexual relationship with a man. I made up my mind that when I was back in Trinidad I would actively but secretly pursue a gay relationship and also keep my wife. I felt that I would just experience one relationship with a guy and then I could devote myself to my family, maybe then all these feelings would go away.

There was that inner voice that was crying out for me to really think about what I was doing, yes I felt guilty about it and yes I hated myself for even thinking it, but I felt I was already on a destructive path and I had to carry it out to the end. I knew deep down inside that this was unnatural, that this was not the true me, I felt like if I was being squeezed out of my body and this dominating other side of me was taking over. Once I accepted this new path I began to die inside, I felt as though a dark cloud was enveloping my heart getting rid of my love for God, my wife and everything I held as good. Yet I made the decision, I chose to do this act and I took responsibility for all my mistakes, betrayals and sufferings I caused.

In the United States, I actively went on the internet because I learned that it was here you could secretly communicate with gay men. I checked out a number of gay personal pages but never joined any. When I came back home I had it in my mind to join a few of these web sites and just chat with guys. At this point I was still fighting myself and the gay feelings but I was giving into them, I no longer wanted to fight and yet I still did not really want to give God the control in my life to really get rid of it. I also did not speak to my wife about it and in so doing separated myself from my family and home. I told God that I was going to pursue this and if He wanted to stop me to do so. I also picked further fights with my wife trying my best to push her away and for her to leave me. I did not say anything and instead got more bitter, cold and resentful. I was always turning a fight against S. trying to make her the enemy and this was emotional abuse. Its really hard to admit that I was abusive and so spiteful to the one I loved, but in a sense I was also doing it to me. I began a cycle of self-destruction and I was spinning out of control. I know my wife saw a totally different person and she noted that she did not know where the man she married had gone.

The gay feelings got ever so stronger to the point that I felt pulled to act. I secretly joined such sites as Gaydar, Outpersonals, and Face-pic and posted profiles that of course were lies. In Trinidad, a person who is gay has to be careful since our society does not openly accept gays and there are many laws against homosexuality. So an underground had developed where the gay men work from these personal sites, it gives gay men and women independence and freedom to explore there sexuality and not be caught. I took advantage of this and contacted a lot of gay men in Trinidad; in fact, I was so surprised that there were so many gay men in Trinidad. I was excited and actively chatted and checked out a lot of guys. I felt also guilty and so much unhappiness about what I was doing yet I was also suppressing my conscience and not allowing that voice that said this was wrong out. I secretly went on at night and when S. was not looking and when I was finished I would wipe everything off the computer in the hope that no evidence would show, but I also knew that one day God was going to expose me because I also knew I belonged to him. Deep down inside I knew He would stop me and what I was doing was really testing Him, in fact, I was defying Him, lashing out because I wanted it gone on my terms without giving him control over my life.

Looking back at what I did I feel very ashamed of myself, especially knowing the pain I put S. through because I wanted my way. S. did nothing to deserve this and there was no time that S. ever contributed to the slide into hell. What I did was to drag her with me, something I wanted to protect her from but in doing so, I made things worse. By trying to protect S. I lied about everything and deception became the order of the day, what was worse was the feelings of remorse that I suppressed to make myself not feel. I became a cold fish and not even human. I watched a lot of gay porn sites and got very excited and aroused by the pics of naked men and men have sex. I would get so aroused that I went to the toilet where I would masturbate to calm down. After I had done this, I would feel so guilty and berate myself for being such a fool, coward and a bad person. I would tell myself that I could not help myself and this was better than going with a man, but the fact remained I was fooling myself and it was just one step further towards my exploration of homosexuality.

Chatting with gay guys became like a hobby and I began to pay so much attention to it that my wife noted that I was not even interested in her anymore; this would lead to me trying to convince her that everything was o.k. and it was just a new experience wanting to have male friends. The arguments got worse and I really detached myself from my family and home, I wanted to get away or escape, I wanted to do what I wanted and I did not care who I hurt, not even myself. A lot of our arguments would lead to me saying I should leave but I did not want to make the move because deep down inside I preferred that S. was the one to reject me. I felt if she hated me it would be easier for me to leave because I already felt so unworthy of her love. I did deep down inside want her and my family but it seemed that that dark cloud was smothering every little that was left of my love and caring.

Every minute of my being felt tortured by this dual feeling for men and women, I wanted my wife and I could not keep away even though I was separating myself, sexual intercourse with my wife was great and I never ever felt that I wanted her less. There were times that my pushing her away was due to my not wanting to hurt her or give her a disease but even so, my desire for her would lead to intimate moments. At the same time I was driven to have a encounter with a guy and I pursued it, after a lot of talking with guys I realized I was most attracted to White and East Indian guys. I really found then good looking and was really aroused by their bodies, face and personalities. I checked out a lot on the different sites and set up e-mail and messenger sites to contact and get to know them. Finally, I made the decision what took me over the edge, my decision to meet them and see where it would lead.